Here’s one for all my Infantry buddies..and a few other Military friends too. This is directed at military members, past, present and future. Marines, if you have difficulty understanding the big words, please consult your local Doggie.
And now, with apologies to the Dos Equis pitchman…The Most Interesting Colonel in the World.
When he wakes up in the morning, Putin raises Russia’s DEFCON level…just in case.
He once fed an entire Theater Army with one case of MRE’s, then carried away 7 Fast Sealift Ships full of leftovers.
If he were to tell you, “Good Brief,” you would list it on your OER Support Form.
The Council of Generals, convenes to establish consensus on issues, before briefing HIM.
He has his own entry in Jane’s Militaries of the World, #3 (because associating him with “#2” would be just…wrong).
He doesn’t need STRATAIR to self-deploy to the AOR.
He has his own designated seat in the I-Bar
His Birthday is a designated Training Holiday.
When it’s time for the Annual General Inspection, He inspects the IG.
When He runs “sick call,” troops are returned to full duty BEFORE they check in.
He is allowed to wear his headgear in the I-Bar.
On his first day of Ranger School, He wrote 3 Major Minus Spot Reports on the Ranger Instructors, who had attempted to disqualify his swim test, because he walked the length of the pool, ON TOP of the water.
He qualified, 50 out of 40 on the Rifle Qualification course…with 30 rounds.
He never has to add “Fire For Effect,” for all the Cannon Cockers know, ALL his fires, are for effect.
He once shot an azimuth, and wiped out an entire enemy battalion.
On the land nav course, True North aligns with him.
His boots glisten so well, on his first day of Jump School, the Airborne Instructors…sent themselves to the Gig Pit.
General Order #1 Doesn’t apply to him.
Wherever he is, is a Designated Smoking Area.
At the Pentagon, the Chief of Staff makes him coffee
The IG files complaints…with him.
The Chaplain cries on HIS shoulder.
He once ran the Yankee & Furman Road, Daylight Land Nav courses…with no compass, map or GPS…at Night…and found all the points.
At levels above Corps, all staff routing slips, have his name on them as final “chop” before going to next higher level.
He declined the offer of playing Colonel Kirby in, “The Green Berets.” The part was only then offered to John Wayne. Side note: If he had taken the part, the outpost wouldn’t have been overrun; PeterSan wouldn’t have died and there would be no “John Wayne Hill” at Ft Benning.
At formal functions, the men propose toasts to HIM…and the LADIES respond, “HEAR! HEAR!”
He IS…The Most Interesting Colonel in the World.
Stay Combat Ready My Friends
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Only you, good sir, would have the chutzpah to craft such an epigraph! Bravo, friend!!
Laughing so hard I peed myself.
Good stuff Mike! When shit don’t stink it needs to be celebrated!
I’m reminded of our Chief of Staff from 2Ad (FWD)-who was a bit of a maniac-you would know him-he went on to command III CORPS and do the Iraq thing-he made some commentary to the Black Book order of battle that wasn’t quite right-so our 1LT gave a gentle “might want to consider that” rejoinder. The COL (P) pulled the bayonet out of the wooden block on his desk-stuck it into the wood with a lot of enthusiasm-and jumped on his desk -on top of his desk-and thundered down at him “that was not an F’n opinion LT-that was an F’n fact” followed by enough expletives that the LT-who was kind of religious-retreated-he still maintains the COL (P) was somewhat drooling-and the LT was pretty close to filling his cammies. When he came down into our SCIF-I was like where is the Black Book–I ended up retrieving it–the COL (P) was still heated up-I clarified the Order of Battle question for him-we had like an hour discussion on GSFG Ground order of battle-I ended up drawing the formation for the Soviet GSFG units from 3d Shock Army we expected to see-particularly the Advance Guard, Main Body and our plan to ambush them-take their equipment-then ambush the Main Body-which I knew a little bit about –and he took it like a man…there is a big difference between a 1LT with 3 years in and an 2d LT with 9–we could do a whole series on these type incidents-and we should. Some of the civilians would be ompressed/aghast……
Bravo Mike! Hilarious but points well taken. Great article!