Bald Eagle: From Mighty Hunter to Woke Mascot – How Critical Theory Clipped America’s Icon

Satire

Today in Cloft’s Corner, Dave lampoons the leftists, using our national bird to do the job.

In a shocking turn of events, it seems that even the mighty bald eagle, once a symbol of freedom, has fallen victim to the insidious clutches of critical theory and the rise of woke ideology. It appears that this majestic bird of prey has been stripped of its testosterone-fueled hunting prowess and transformed into a poster child for the so-called “woke” movement. What’s next? Gender-neutral nests?

Gone are the days when the bald eagle soared above the skies with its piercing gaze, instilling awe in the hearts of all who beheld its majestic flight. Now, it’s more likely to be spotted engaging in sensitivity training with other birds, discussing how to address microaggressions in the avian community.

According to sources (okay, maybe just some whispering sparrows), the once-mighty eagle has traded its sharp talons for a pen and notepad, engaging in workshops on social justice and intersectionality. Forget about hunting for its next meal – the modern bald eagle is too busy conducting diversity audits on its fellow feathered friends.

But don’t be fooled by their seemingly newfound enlightenment. These woke eagles are masters of virtue signaling. They’ve ditched their impressive aerial displays and instead gather in “safe spaces” to share stories of microaggressions they’ve encountered in the wild. Apparently, a hawk once called an eagle “a majestic vulture,” and it’s been traumatized ever since.

And let’s not forget about the bald eagle’s new vocabulary. Instead of screeching its distinctive call, it now prefers to communicate through a series of trigger warnings and hashtags. #BirdLivesMatter, anyone?

But perhaps the most distressing part of this transformation is the fact that the bald eagle’s once-piercing gaze has been replaced with a perpetual look of guilt and self-doubt. It’s as if it’s constantly questioning whether its nest is inclusive enough or if it should be hosting workshops on “flying with privilege.”

So there you have it, folks. The bald eagle, once a symbol of America’s rugged individualism and strength, has been neutered by critical theory and woke ideology. It’s a sad day indeed when even the mightiest of creatures falls victim to the allure of safe spaces and participation trophies.

But fear not, patriots. Perhaps one day, the bald (balled) eagle will regain its hunting prowess and once again soar above the skies with pride, unburdened by the shackles of woke culture. Until then, keep an eye out for eagles attending “woke-a-thons” and handing out pamphlets on bird identity politics. After all, it’s a jungle out there. Or is it a safe space? It’s so hard to keep track these days.

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