Retired, Rotund, and Laughing at Uncle Sam’s Desperate Pleas

So there I am, a retired Army veteran, the living relic of three foreign civil wars, sipping on my third cup of coffee and laughing at the US Army’s futile attempts to recruit the next generation of warriors. Apparently, patriotism is on the endangered species list, and I’m here, too fat, too ornery, and too wise to be of any use.

The military, in all its glory, is scratching its head, wondering why kids these days are more interested in Fortnite victories than real-life victories. I chuckle from the comfort of my recliner, and glance at my “I love me wall” filled with photos, plaques and flags from fellow friends and warriors collected with 20+ years of memories.

Meanwhile, these poor recruiters are getting yelled at and forced to work weekends. The mandatory PowerPoint retraining classes waste their family or personal time on Saturdays and will punish them until morale and numbers radically improve. They’re out there trying to convince young folks that the thrill of serving is better than the thrill of a new iPhone release. Meanwhile, our Geriatric-in-chief tells our young men and women of military age that, “violence is NEVER a solution to our problems.” Good luck with that.

The Army’s latest strategy beyond same sex advertisements; will probably involve trading basic training for an online crash course in TikTok dance moves. I mean, who wouldn’t want to exchange a battlefield for a dance floor, right? Clearly, the recruitment masterminds at Fort Knox believe that a killer “floss” is equivalent to combat readiness. At least it looks good on paper, and that’s what really matters.

Meanwhile, recruiters are promising adventure, camaraderie, and the joy of getting yelled at by someone with more stripes than common sense. I sit here and think, “I traded all that for a remote control and a lifetime supply of snack food – I win.”

As Uncle Sam desperately searches for the next generation of warriors, I propose they start recruiting from the bingo hall. Imagine Grandpa leading the charge, armed with a cane and a lifetime of stories that would make even the most battle-hardened Soldier cringe.

So, as the nation’s youth perfects the art of avocado toast and the military struggles find enough volunteer Soldiers “to provide for common defense of our Nation, I’ll be here, embracing retirement like a boss. Because let’s face it, defending the country is all well and good, but have you ever tried napping in the middle of the day without a care in the world? Now that’s a victory worth celebrating. And as General “Mack Daddy” MacArthur once  said, “there is no substitute for victory.”

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