Now We Need to Worry About Zombies Too?

I think we’ve already got enough to worry about. Our politicians seem determined to experiment with world war again, to see if it turns out better this time. Our kids need remedial biology education, because the schools taught them that boys can have babies. We’ve decided that the color of our skin is way more important than the content of our character. Brownouts are the new normal, because power generation has become a lost art. Our cities are becoming unlivable, because criminals are a protected class. We’re one omnibus compromise away from total economic collapse. But that’s not enough. Now we have to worry about … zombies; and not the San Francisco sidewalk camping variety.

According to Fox News, scientists are warning that melting permafrost (caused by guess what?) could release ancient viruses capable of unimaginable calamity. According to Jean-Michel Claverie, a geneticist at the School of Medicine at Aix-Marseille University, the risk is real. His field refers to such viruses as Methuselah microbes – because they never die. They continue to live through the ages threatening humans – just like zombies. Professor Claverie claims that after 400,000 years of blessed slumber in the Siberian permafrost, global warming could release these zombie Methuselah viruses.

Is it just me, or are the climate nuts getting desperate? They tried to scare us with drowning polar bears, flooding cities, and screaming Swedish schoolgirls. But none of that created sufficient panic for us to eat bugs, ditch our muscle cars, or vote for socialism to save the planet. So, our learned betters flew their private jets to Davos, discussed their messaging problem, and came up with … zombies. That’s the ticket! That will surely scare the ignorant masses into riding the Minneapolis poop trains and investing their 401Ks in in Al Gore’s carbon offsets.

But they don’t want us to get too panicked. They only want us scared enough to follow their lead; not freaked out enough to start stockpiling guns and survival rations. The elites simply want us to trust them. They assure us they know how to handle this. Just give them the power to save us – oh … and a pile of cash to do it with.

The scientists say they’ll need open borders and a quick response team for when the flesh eating begins. They can tolerate no resistance, as they travel the world in their private jets, to figure out which wet market is ground zero for the zombie outbreak.

The scientists are also comforting us with reassurances that mRNA technology will allow them to develop a vaccine that doesn’t work, faster than ever. We just need to keep politics out of our zombie response so that men of science, like Anthony Fauci, can prevent an apocalypse.

I can pretty much predict how the next year is going to play out.

• A flesh-eating virus will be isolated in late February.
• President Gremlin will declare a zombie lockdown in March – necessitating another basement campaign.
• In June, Governor Whitmer will inform Michiganders that motor boats and vacation homes are especially vulnerable to zombie attack.
• Governor DeSantis will keep Florida’s beaches open all summer – providing nightly news coverage of beaches infested with scantily clad, flesh craving, college students zombies; with absolutely no gender confusion.
• Mandatory mail in balloting will be prescribed in September; and requirements for voter ID will be dropped – because zombies can’t be expected to make it down to the DMV.
• Joe will win in a landslide – after the obligatory early morning pause in counting to await delivery of out-of-state ballots.
• After his inauguration Joe will name his new VP, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, his zombie virus czar; with directions to implement the “Green New Deal” to prevent anymore zombie viruses from thawing.
• In February of 2025, Joe will mandate nationwide vaccination with the new zombie vaccine.
• In March of 2025, Anthony Fauci will collect his royalty check.

You know the climate kooks are losing the argument, when the debate turns to zombies. And they wonder why we’re becoming skeptical of their constant fear mongering? I have only one question for the men of science: will these be the slow moving, drunken toddler zombies of Walking Dead; or the Olympic class sprinting zombies of World War Z? I need to know so I can appropriately size the defensive perimeter around my house.

Author Bio: John Green is a political refugee from Minnesota, now residing in Idaho. He has written for American Thinker, and American Free News Network. He can be reached at greenjeg@gmail.com.

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