Fat and Furious: The Secret Weapon in Warfare Revealed

In a groundbreaking turn of events, a government researcher, analyst, and bean counter extraordinaire has rocked the scientific community with a theory that not only defies logic but also secures a Nobel Prize and a cool $1 million. Brace yourselves for the revelation that fat dudes are the ultimate bullet-stopping champions on the battlefield!

This genius analyst, known for his unparalleled love for spreadsheets and an uncanny knack for connecting the dots, stumbled upon a revelation that would make even the most seasoned military strategist do a double-take. Through painstakingly detailed and wholly independent research (read: hours of binge-watching action movies), he discovered a correlation between body size and bullet resistance.

His in-depth analysis revealed that kinetic energy from fast-moving projectiles, approximately 62 grains in weight, is significantly more effective at penetrating body armor worn by skinny soldiers compared to their portly counterparts. Yes, you heard it right – fat dudes are bulletproof! Well, sort of.

Armed with this groundbreaking evidence, our intrepid bean counter proposes a foolproof strategy for surviving in a firefight: always get behind a fat dude! Forget about tactics, training, and strategy – the real secret to military success lies in finding the nearest chubby comrade and using them as your personal shield.

In a world where technological advancements and strategic thinking reign supreme, who would have thought that a few extra pounds could be the ultimate defense against fast-moving projectiles? This revelation has sent shockwaves through military circles, prompting a reevaluation of body composition standards and combat readiness protocols.

So, here’s to our rotund heroes, the unsung saviors of the battlefield! Let’s raise a donut in their honor and celebrate the Nobel Prize-winning theory that proves fat soldiers do indeed stop bullets better than their skinny counterparts. Who needs Kevlar when you have a layer of luscious love handles? Long live the fat and furious!

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