Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue from Volume Two, as Joe Buckstop’s soup aide, young Rhett Snapper, discusses President Buckstop’s rather touch-and-go method of conducting campaign trips…
Photo Ops, Empty Rooms, and Mirliton and Shrimp Soup
Dateline, May 10. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir! I’ll bet you’ve never heard of this one before!”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of any of them, to tell you the truth…”
“Well, I’ll notify the clerks at Guinness, sir.”
“What’s that?”
“Oh, um, I’ll notify the cook of her prowess, sir. You know, in selecting unusual soups, sir.”
“Oh.”
“So tonight’s soup is called Mirliton and Shrimp Soup, sir. It’s from Louisiana, sir.”
“Why?”
“Well, she said she heard you were in Louisiana the other day, so she wanted to give you something interesting from there, since you never get a chance to stick around and sample the local fare on these trips, sir.”
“Oh. That’s true. In and out. Off the plane, give a speech, get back on the plane, and back to my basement.”
“Why, sir?”
“Can’t be too safe, you know!”
“Oh, that. I guess. Anyway, here’s your soup, sir. Mirliton and Shrimp Soup, from Louisiana. And here are your crackers, spoon and napkin, sir.”
“What did you call it?”
“Mirliton and Shrimp, sir. I asked the cook what it was and she said it’s a gourd, sir. So you could call it gourd and shrimp soup, sir, if you want to.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Suit yourself, sir.”
“Are you sure gourds are edible?”
“She wouldn’t cook it if it wasn’t, sir.”
“You wouldn’t believe how many people would like to see me out of here.”
“Oh, sure I would, sir.”
“Huh?”
“Anyway, here you go, sir. Louisiana gourd and shrimp soup. Let me know how it is!”
“Mmmm, yeah. Well, let’s see. Crackers first…”
“So how was the trip to Louisiana, sir? I’ve never been there, myself. What was it like?”
“Oh, just a quick visit. It was okay, I guess.”
“What’s that kind of thing like, sir? When you arrive for one of those things, sir?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Well, sir, do you spend lots of time shaking hands when you arrive, sir?”
“Oh, no.”
“Do you give a speech to the crowd welcoming you there, sir?
“No.”
“Is there a big rally led by local dignitaries, sir?”
“No.”
“So, what happens, do you just wave at the crowd and leave, sir?”
“What crowd?”
“Umm… when Air Force One touches down at the airport… well… there’s a big crowd of your local supporters to greet you, sir, right?”
“No. Should there be?”
“Well, I’ve always thought there’s always a big crowd at these sorts of things, sir. I’ve seen governors touch down on a tour of their states, and be mobbed by a couple hundred supporters. Isn’t that how your trips go, sir?”
“Oh no. There’s never anything like that.”
“Really, sir?”
“Oh, it’s all right. I don’t like crowds.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a successful politician who didn’t like crowds, sir.”
“No, my supporters are quiet types. They stay home.”
“Except for when they’re burning down cities, of course…”
“Huh? What’s that?”
“Umm… except you’d think they’d say you’d earned the keys to the city, of course, sir. You know, where the mayor presents you with a key to the city, before a happy crowd, sir?”
“Wouldn’t know. Never had anything like that happen.”
“Oh.”
“No, my supporters just stay home. And mind their own business.”
“And fill out stacks of ballots.”
“Huh? What’s that?”
“Oh, umm, stacks of ballads, sir. Since your last trip was Louisiana, I was imagining them sitting around the house singing ballads. You know, sir. country music.”
“Oh. Well, I wouldn’t know.”
“Naturally, sir. So what was the subject for that trip, sir?”
“Huh? Oh, umm… I knew that… we just talked about it…”
“Was it a political speech, sir? Or an issues speech, sir? Or what?”
“Oh, it was official. Posed in front of a beautiful old bridge.”
“So what did you talk about there, sir?”
“I … umm… I don’t remember…”
“Well, let’s see, sir. Was it about foreign policy, sir?”
“No, I don’t think so… I’m not really up on that…”
“The military, sir?”
“No, don’t care about them…”
“The illegals at the border, sir?”
“No, I gave that hot potato to Kamala…”
“Hmmm…. government spending, sir?”
“Yeah, that’s it! Spending. It was about spending.”
“So you went to Louisiana to call for some spending restraint, sir?”
“Come on, man! Of course not!”
“Well, then, what did you talk about in Louisiana, sir?”
“Infrastructure! Building things!”
“You went to Louisiana to tell them to support your infrastructure plan, sir?”
“Sure! That’s how it works, kid. Look, here’s the deal: You travel around, talking up your bills so the people respond.”
“Respond to what, sir?”
“To your bills, of course!”
“How, sir? By paying the bills, or by ripping them up, sir?”
“By supporting them! By calling their congressmen and senators and telling them which bills to support!”
“And do they, sir?”
“Well, no, not lately… but that’s why I’m going on the tour. I give my speeches and the support for my infrastructure plan grows!”
“Will it really, sir?”
“Sure! That’s how it works!”
“But sir, you said nobody comes to see you on these trips. You’re basically alone, sir.”
“Well, sure! Gotta stay safe!”
“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, sir….”
“Huh?”
“Well, sir, if nobody’s there to hear your speech, how do you expect the message to get out, sir?”
“It’s televised! I fly to Lousiana, I give my speech, it’s broadcast on TV, and recorded for the internet… and before you know it, everyone’s on my side!”
“That’s cool, sir. Does the polling show that it’s working, sir?”
“Funny thing, that… the pollsters said not enough people heard the last message to have an opinion on it. Well, back to the drawing board…”
“But sir, couldn’t you tell that yourself, when you saw that nobody was there, sir?”
“There doesn’t need to be. I’m there and the cameraman’s there, and then it’ll be on TV.”
“But then why go there at all, sir?”
“Huh?”
“Well, why not just film your speech from here and skip all the travel, sir?”
“But I had a bridge in the background! I needed a bridge in the background!”
“You could record it from here, and just set your camera to show a bridge in the background, sir.”
“But it has to be that one!”
“Okay, so set your camera to show that bridge in the background, sir.”
“But… that would be dishonest!”
“That’s never bothered you before, has it?”
“But I mean, couldn’t people tell?”
“People have always been able to tell when you were dishonest before, and you’re still here, right?”
“Ummm, yeah, I guess so…”
“Heck, you could even use animators, and have the picture look like it was crumbling right during your speech, sir. Have little bits of brick and stone look like they’re falling off… people plummeting to their deaths… I mean, once you’re willing to fudge it a little, why not go big, right, sir?”
“Yeah, you know, you’re right. I could do everything from here, with animators.”
“You could produce your pretend tours with a small movie crew., sir….”
“I’d never have to leave here again!”
“You could stay in your basement forever, sir.”
“Yeah! Cool!”
“You’d never miss your evening soup, sir!”
“But are you sure I could carry it off, though? I mean, I say things like how happy I am to be here in … wherever the hell I am at the time… could I do that convincingly if I’m not really moving? I mean, if I’m really here all the time?”
“Sir, there’s no reason to think anything will be any different, no matter what you do, sir. The strings are being pulled whether you’re here in your basement, or at an airstrip in Louisiana, sir.”
“That’s right. What do Barry or Xi or Mr. Soros care where I am, anyway, as long as I do what I’m told? It’s time I stood up for myself. I don’t want to be late for soup anymore.”
“That’s telling ’em, sir!”
“Yup, from now on, I’m staying put. I can still do exactly what they tell me right here, in my own basement. And I intend to!”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
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