Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue from Volume Two, as Joe Buckstop’s soup aide, young Rhett Snapper, asks the old man about his recent trip to Dearborn, MI and his test drive of an electric Ford F-150.
Electric Vehicles, Subsidies, and the Test Drive With Two Steering Wheels
Dateline May 19. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir, is it a good night for soup?”
“Oh, it’s always a good night for soup.”
“Well sir, here you go: Venison Soup with Mushrooms.”
“Really? That’s odd.”
“Why is it odd, sir?”
“I don’t know. Just seems odd to me.”
“Hmmm… maybe because it feels like a repeat, since you just had venison soup last night, sir?”
“That’s it! I was feeling dago tee for a minute there. I didn’t know why, and I didn’t want to say.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“What?”
“What were you feeling, sir?”
“Oh. Umm… dago tee.”
“Sir, you mean to say that you were feeling like a sleeveless undershirt?”
“Is that what it is?”
“Yes sir. And it’s considered a rather offensive name for them too, incidentally.”
“Oh.”
“So how were you feeling, sir?”
“Oh. Umm… Demi-tasse. That’s it. I was feeling demi-tasse.”
“That’s a cup of coffee, sir.”
“Demo model?”
“A car on the lot, sir.”
“Demi Moore?”
“An actress from the 80s, sir.”
“Oh. Right. She’s cute.”
“I suppose so, sir.”
“Demo reel?”
“Could you be thinking of deja vu, sir?”
“Deja vu?”
“Where you get a feeling that you’ve seen or done something before, sir, but you just can’t place it, sir?”
“That’s it! That’s the feeling. Do you know why?”
“Because your cook made venison vegetable yesterday, and now she made another venison dish, this time, venison and mushrooms, for tonight, sir.”
“Oh, goody! Then I’m NOT imagining things!”
“Well, now, let’s not jump to conclusions. You’re not imagining this, but that doesn’t exclude the possibility of imagining anything else, sir.”
“Huh?”
“I asked the cook when I arrived tonight, why venison two nights in a row? Was there a special reason?”
“Well, was there?”
“No, sir. Not really. She just had plenty of venison for yesterday’s soup, and wanted to use it up right away while it’s still fresh.”
“Oh.”
“So please settle in and enjoy it, sir! It’s all here, as always… soup, crackers, napkins, spoon. Interesting plastic handle on that one, sir. Wonder if there’s a story behind that soft plastic handle, sir!”
“Oh, umm, never mind.”
“So how’s your day going, sir? Anything interesting happen today, sir?”
“Mmm…. I’m eating my soup now.”
“Oh, yes, of course, sir. You go ahead and eat, sir. I was just wondering if anything happened at the capitol or anything, sir. You know, sir, if there’s anything you can tell me about, sir.
“Well, I can tell you anything I want to. If I want to. You know, I mean, if wanting was… I mean, if I could want to tell you… What were we talking about again?”
“Well, you remember that trip yesterday, sir?”
“What trip?”
“To Dearborn, sir.”
“I didn’t see any deer born, kid.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“I didn’t see that. Never saw a deer born in my life.”
“Uh, sir…”
“I saw a cat have kittens once. Saw a dog have puppies. That’s about it. Never seen a deer born.”
“No, sir, that’s not what I was asking, sir. I was talking about your trip to the city of Dearborn yesterday, sir. The Ford plant tour, sir.”
“Well, sure I can afford it. I can afford to plant flowers if I want to. What does that have to do with anything?”
“Sir, do you remember traveling to Dearborn, Michigan yesterday, sir?”
“Depends. Where is it?”
“It’s near Detroit, sir. In Michigan. Ummm… West of us, sir.”
“West, you say? Wild west?”
“No sir. Not that far west. It’s in Michigan, sir.”
“Oh, well now. Why didn’t you say so.”
“Sorry, sir.”
“Where is it again?”
“Dearborn, Michigan. Near Detroit, sir.”
“Oh. What state is that in? Could you give me a hint?”
“Michigan, sir. You know, the state of Michigan. The only state with separate upper and lower halves, sir? The only state bisected by the Great Lakes, sir? The state that’s north of Indiana and Ohio, and east of Wisconsin?”
“Oh, right. You mean Michigan. Why the extra fuss? It’s obvious.”
“Okay, sir. Well, my friends were kind of wondering about your test drive, sir.”
“What test drive?”
“You rode around in a big electric Ford F-150, sir.”
“Oh, cool! Who makes that?”
“It was a Ford plant, sir. It’s a Ford truck, sir.”
“Oh.”
“What did you think, sir? Did have a lot of power? Did it respond? We’ve heard you were kind of a car guy when you were young. Were you impressed, sir?”
“By what?”
“The truck, sir. The test drive, sir.”
“When?”
“Yesterday, sir.”
“Oh, I’m a big fan.”
“Of the truck, sir?”
“No, of Yesterday.”
“I beg your pardon sir?”
“Yesterday. The song Yesterday. I’m a big fan. Big hit. Yesterday. All my troubles were so far away. I believe in Yesterday.”
“Sir, We were wondering how you liked the truck, sir.”
“What truck?”
“The one at the Ford plant, sir.”
“Oh. Beats me. I change trucks all the time. People drive me around in limos and trucks and SUVs. Every time I go somewhere, I travel around in a truck. They all run together.”
“I see, sir.”
“Yup.”
“So I suppose there’s no point in my asking whether it was really you driving or somebody else, sir.”
“How should I know? Aren’t there pictures?”
“Well, that’s the thing, sir. In the video, it looked like there were two of you in the front seat, and it looked like there were two steering wheels and both of you were driving, sir. Like a high school drivers’ ed car, sir.”
“Oh.”
“So everyone is wondering whether the video was photoshopped or not, sir. Were you driving the truck, or was somebody in the passenger’s seat, sir?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t know about that.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Need to know basis.”
“You can’t tell me because of a need to know basis, sir?”
“No, I don’t remember if I was driving or not, and they wouldn’t tell me because I don’t need to know.”
“I see, sir.”
“This is good soup.”
“So basically, sir, I don’t even get any good trivia out of our conversations. I have what ought to be a prestigious job, but I can’t trust what I hear here, and that sure is depressing.”
“Oh, it’s okay. I worked on capitol hill for years, and nobody trusts anything or anyone.”
“Well, that’s a relief.”
“This is good soup, though.”
“I’m so glad sir. Um, sir, a question…”
“Mmm.”
“Do you remember what you talked about in Dearborn, sir?”
“When?”
“Yesterday, sir.”
“Oh, yeah, sure. Yesterday. Speech. Ummm cars and trucks.”
“Well, yes, sir. but you also said you wanted to spend $174 billion on them, sir.”
“Well, that’s awfully generous of me, isn’t it?”
“No, sir, that’s not what I meant, sir.”
“Oh.”
“The country doesn’t have that kind of money, sir. It doesn’t have anything close to that, sir. How on earth do you hope to be able to afford $174 billion in subsidies, so that people can buy much bigger and more expensive vehicles than they need or can afford, sir?”
“Oh, I don’t know.”
“But then, how can you call for a ton of money if you don’t know where it’s coming from, sir?”
“Oh, it doesn’t matter. We can always raise some taxes or cut out some candles, to help fund it.”
“The press says the American people will never stand for another tax increase, sir, of any kind.”
“Oh, sure they will. They won’t even know what hit’em.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“The die was cast a long time ago. Nothing’s stopping it. This is the future.”
“What is, sir? Electric pickup trucks and government-run charging stations in the middle of nowhere, or tax hikes and penury as far as the eye can see, sir?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I’m busy thinking about next week’s chores. I’m a busy man. Gotta concentrate on the next big thing.”
“And what’s that, sir, dare I ask?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Probably my next soup.”
“You’re concentrating on where your next bowl of soup is coming from, sir?”
“Oh no. I know that much. You’re bringing it down! But what’s in it? That’s the real question!”
“Yes sir. Whatever you say sir.”
“Hey, kid, how much does car insurance cost these days, anyway?”
“Why do you need to know, sir?”
“Oh, not a big deal. I was just thinking, there are times when reporters get on my nerves, and it would be so handy…”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
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