Satire/Snark
In an unsurprising turn of events, President Biden’s administration has once again proven that there’s no problem too big to solve with an even bigger problem. After an intern—let’s call him Timmy—skimmed Peter Zeihan’s work and thought he’d struck geopolitical gold, the administration decided it was high time to open the borders wide enough to make Ellis Island look like a velvet rope at a nightclub.
“Timmy came running into the Oval Office waving Zeihan’s book like it was the Ten Commandments,” one anonymous White House insider revealed. “He was so excited, he hadn’t even noticed he had jam on his tie from breakfast.”
Zeihan, known for his insights on demographics and geopolitics, probably didn’t mean “hey, throw the gates open and let’s see what happens!” but that’s exactly how Timmy interpreted it. After a PowerPoint presentation consisting mostly of clip art and Comic Sans, the plan was set into motion. There was just one tiny problem: there was no plan for what to do after everyone got here.
Fast forward a few months and here we are, with 15 million new residents and absolutely no clue what to do with them. If you think managing a PTA bake sale is tough, try handling a spontaneous population boom the size of New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago combined.
“We thought about putting them in the Grand Canyon,” said one flustered cabinet member. “But then someone reminded us that it’s a national park and not a bottomless pit for our logistical blunders.”
City infrastructures are crumbling under the weight of new arrivals. Public transport? Good luck finding a seat on the bus now; you’ll have a better chance of seeing a unicorn riding a bicycle. Schools? The PTA meetings have turned into UFC matches over classroom space. Housing? If you’ve got a garage, congratulations, you’re now a landlord.
It’s not just the physical space that’s the issue. The job market is so saturated that Starbucks has more baristas than customers, and the gig economy? Forget it. You can’t even get a gig mowing lawns because they’re all booked solid for the next three years.
Naturally, this has led to some creative—if desperate—solutions. An abandoned mall in Ohio has been repurposed as a vertical farming commune. Every IKEA has turned into a labyrinthine hostel. There’s even talk of converting the nation’s golf courses into tent cities, which might actually do wonders for democratizing a traditionally elitist sport.
President Biden, ever the optimist, addressed the nation with his trademark smile, saying, “America has always been a land of opportunity. Now it’s just… a bit more crowded with opportunity.”
Meanwhile, Timmy has been promoted to Senior Advisor, proving once again that in politics, it’s not about solving problems, but about creating new ones big enough to distract from the old ones.
So, here we are, trying to navigate this mess with the grace of a drunkard on a unicycle. The next time someone comes running into the Oval Office with a “brilliant idea,” let’s hope they’ve at least read past the introduction.
In the immortal words of Forrest Gump, “Stupid is as stupid does.” And in the case of Timmy’s bright idea, stupid does indeed.
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