Great Lakes Under Siege

Satire

Karen’s Call to Arms Against the Underwater Drone Menace

It was a sunny Tuesday afternoon in Michigan, but not all was calm in the land of a the Greatest Lakes. An alarming report had surfaced that Russian and Chinese underwater drones are now infiltrating the Great Lakes, threatening the very heart of America’s fresh water treasure. A group of concerned citizens, led by a formidable force of KARENS, decided that enough was enough. It was time to act.

The newly formed activist group, aptly named “Karens Against Really Evil Nautical Submersibles” (KARENS), convened in a local community center to discuss their strategy. Armed with smartphones, Facebook accounts, and a righteous fury, these Karens were ready to tackle the threat head-on.

“Do you realize,” exclaimed Karen Smith, a self-proclaimed expert on everything after watching a week-long documentary binge, “that these drones could be stealing our water? Or worse, our fish recipes! This is an outrage!”

The room buzzed with agreement. Karen Johnson, another group leader, added, “We need Great Lakes common sense laws! We need legislation to keep these foreign drones out! If we can stop them at Walmart, we can stop them in our lakes!”

With banners reading “Protect Our Lakes” and “No Drones in Our H2O,” KARENS mobilized. They staged protests at local harbors, where bewildered fishermen were asked if they’d seen any suspicious underwater activity. The answer was usually a bemused “No, ma’am,” but that didn’t deter the Karens.

“Did you know,” Karen Brown interjected during one rally, “that over 20% of the world’s fresh surface water is right here in the Great Lakes? That’s 20% too much for these sneaky foreign drones! We need action now!”

The Karens’ crusade caught the attention of local media, who were only too happy to report on the colorful demonstrations. Interviews with Karens often included dire warnings about the dangers of foreign espionage and the need to protect “our God-given American water.”

As their movement gained traction, KARENS decided to lobby the state legislature. They drafted a bill titled “Keeping Aquatic Remote Entry Nonviable Statute” (KARENS), which called for stringent measures to detect and destroy any foreign submersibles in the Great Lakes.

The bill proposed a range of solutions, from installing underwater drone detection systems (which Karen Simmons swore could be done with “the right app”) to deploying trained dolphin squads that would patrol the lakes. “Everyone knows dolphins are the best at spotting trouble,” she declared with conviction.  “We think they can live in freshwater,” she added later. 

Despite the bill’s somewhat dubious scientific grounding, it garnered attention. Legislators, perhaps swayed by the Karens’ relentless phone calls and social media campaigns, agreed to discuss it. During the legislative session, Karen Green delivered a passionate speech.

“Imagine a Great Lake full of drones, buzzing around like mechanical bees, stealing our precious water and fish! Are we going to stand by and let this happen? No! We must act! We demand action to keep our lakes pure and drone-free!”

The speech was met with a standing ovation from her fellow Karens in the gallery, and several legislators nodded, if only to make the relentless phone calls stop. The bill, while not immediately passed, was sent to committee for further discussion.

Meanwhile, the Great Lakes remained as serene as ever, blissfully unaware of the political storm brewing above. The fish swam on, oblivious to the Karen crusade to save them from an imagined drone apocalypse.

As the Karens stood on the shore, watching the sunset over Lake Michigan, Karen White sighed with satisfaction. “We did good, ladies. We did good.” And with that, they turned back to their Facebook feeds, ready to tackle the next great threat to American life.

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