Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue reprinting roughly every other chapter from Volume Two. In today’s episode, Joe Buckstop learns that his own appointees are trying to ban a key ingredient in his precious soups…
Beef, Leather, Russians, and Rassolnik Soup
Dateline: July 2. Begin Transcript:
“Hey boss, you awake down there?”
“Of course I’m awake! This is a basement, not a bedroom! Who’s asking?”
“It’s the NKVD, they’re here to see if your papers are in order!”
“Huh? Who’s that? Nothing’s in order… This office isn’t clean enough for an audit! I need time to prepare! Where’s my staff? Why wasn’t I told about this? Man, you’d think I’d have a little warning for a thing like that… what papers are they looking for?”
“Oh, boss, come on… I’m just kidding! Just killing time as I hobble down the stairs with your soup.”
“Soup? There’s soup?”
“Sure, there’s soup! I’m a cook, aren’t I? What else would I bring down here… an ashtray I made in craft class?”
“You take craft class?”
“No, boss. Oh, I don’t know about you. Can’t even kid ya. You take everything so seriously…”
“So where are these inspectors?”
“There aren’t any inspectors. I was joking. It was on my mind today, that’s all, boss.”
“Oh.”
“So here you go, sir. Here’s your soup. Soup, big bowl of crackers, couple of those new soft plastic-handled spoons you like, and a bunch of napkins.”
“I don’t like those spoons. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t use them. But the Doctor said I had to from now on.”
“Well, sir, you know, she has a point. You did hurt yourself that time.”
“I did?”
“Yes sir. So anyway, here’s your soup. Enjoy.”
“What is it?”
“It’s called Rassolnik, sir.”
“What does that mean?”
“It’s a Russian soup, sir. Beef, barley, pickles, carrots, garlic. You’ll probably want a lot of crackers with this one. It’s a bit stronger than I expected. Just found the recipe today, sir.”
“Oh.”
“It’s a very old, traditional Russian recipe. Used to be called kalya, sir. Been around for five hundred years, sir. Nowadays I guess they call it Rassolnik, sir.”
“Oh. Kind of, umm… what’s the word…”
“Pungent, sir?”
“Yeah. That’s it.”
“Well, that would be the pickles, sir. I think the Russians wanted to make a point, when they invented this one.”
“Mmm… Needs more crackers. The beef is good, though.”
“I’m beginning to wonder if I can keep making you beef soup, sir. “
“Huh? What does that mean?”
“All these vegetarians and vegans and other nutcases we see around all the time, sir. You know you have people on your team who claim the only way to save the planet is if we stop raising cattle and eating beef, sir? On your team, sir, in your office!”
“Well, I’m sure they don’t mean all that….”
“They write it into their bills, sir. One of these days one of them will pass and they’ll make you sign it, sir.”
“Oh, i wouldn’t sign a thing like that.”
“Do you always know what you’re signing, sir?”
“Huh?”
“Exactly. So I’m going to keep on making beef soup and pork soup and chicken soup and everything else those nutcases disapprove of, because I have a feeling, one of these days they won’t allow us to have it anymore, boss!”
“Mmm… You keep cooking.”
“Boss, do you know what I’m talking about? You are aware, aren’t you, that this is a real thing in your regime sir, right? All this crazy green stuff calls for an end to meat, an end to eveything normal in life, sir!”
“Mmm. Meat is good. This beef. Tender. Little too much vinegar, but the little pieces of beef … that is good.”
“Well, I hope you enjoy it, sir, because they’re planning on taking it away from you.”
“Who? Where? I don’t see anybody!”
“Not down here, sir… I mean in Washington, in your office!”
“Oh. That’s far away then. They can’t reach my soup from there.”
“Sir, it’s not enough that they don’t want to eat normal food themselves. I mean, who cares… somebody wants to live on cabbage and kale all day, if they can stand it, they’re welcome to… but they want to stop YOU from having real food. They mean it, boss. This isn’t just politics for them. It’s like a religion!”
“Oh, what’s the big deal. If they take away beef, I’ll just have steak. Costs a little more, but I can afford it.”
“Sir, I don’t think you understand. They’re not talking about banning a specific cut. They’re talking about banning the whole animal, sir!”
“So what? I don’t eat the whole animal! Nobody does! You really make a big deal out of nothing.”
“Sir… they want to stop us from raising animals. At all. For anything. It’s this global warming silliness. They don’t want us to have access to domesticated cattle, sir!”
“What would I do with cattle anyway? They’re too big. I like dogs. A couple of dogs is all you really need.”
“I’m not talking about pets, sir. I’m talking about raising animals for normal uses, sir!”
“Mmm… Don’t worry about politics. Leave that to me. You just keep making good soup like this. Mmm… maybe not so much pickles next time though.”
“They’re one of the reasons the beef is so tender, sir.”
“Oh. Oh well. Good beef.”
“Enjoy it while you can, sir. One of these days, you’re going to end up banning it. And you won’t even realize it until it’s too late.”
“Mmm… Good soup. What’s this made of again?”
“Beef, sir. Chuck, to be specific, that’s what I used. Recipe said it could be any lean cut of beef.”
“Mmm…”
“You know, when they take away cattle, you won’t be able to get this anymore.”
“Oh. Well. You can make it out of some other cut, then.”
“I’m not getting through, am I, sir? You won’t be able to get ANYTHING from cattle, sir. Do you realize how much you depend on cattle for, sir?”
“Sure. Beef. Mmm…. I think I’ll have some more crackers though.”
“Steak. Hamburgers. Chili. Beef and barley soup. Spaghetti in meat sauce. Lasagne. Stuffed peppers. Every kind of steak, from strip to filet mignon. Bracciole. And then there’s everything else we get from the cow. Marrow. Gelatin. And leather. Think of the leather, from bomber jackets to belts, from shoes to purses and wallets…”
“Huh? Wallets?”
“Well, sure, sir. Wallets are almost always made of leather.”
“Calf’s leather, though. Not beef leather.”
“Sir, you are aware aren’t you, that a calf is just a young cow? That a young calf grows up to be an adult bull or cow, sir? It’s the same animal they’re trying to ban, sir!”
“Wallets and purses are made of cows?”
“Well, sure, sir! Of course they are!”
“So if AOC and her squad succeed in banning cattle, are you saying, no more wallets?”
“This is the line, sir? Wallets? Wallets are the hill you’re willing to die on, sir?”
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s a figure of speech, boss. You’re saying you didn’t care about anything else, but you care about wallets?”
“Well, wallets are where people keep their money. Without wallets, they can’t pay their taxes!”
“Oh. Right. I should’ve known, sir.”
“How do you know all this about what they’re up to, anyway?”
“I subscribe to a lot of publications. They keep us up on the news, you know… One of them was just in the news themselves. Big court case. Supreme Court just decided on it.”
“Oh.”
“Maybe you heard about it. It was about the cancel culture cases in California.”
“Huh? I didn’t hear about anything like that going to SCOTUS.”
“Well, they didn’t call it that, sir. But California instituted some outrageous rule that all nonprofits existing or fundraising in California would have to publish their major donors, so that if the lunatics didn’t like the organization, they could cause trouble for its donors, sir.”
“Well, we need to know what people are up to, you know.”
“No you don’t, sir. It’s none of your business who somebody donates to. If it’s a legitimate charity, it’s nobody’s business who’s donating to them. This was just so that people could harass big donors. That’s all it was for. Cancel culture, sir.”
“Oh, well, I’m 78 and nobody’s ever cancelled me.”
“More’s the pity, sir.”
“Huh? What’s that? You’re mumbling.”
“Sorry, sir, I’ll speak louder, sir.”
“I’m an old man, you know.”
“Really, sir? I hadn’t noticed.”
“Good soup though. Didn’t think I’d like it. But it’s pretty good.”
“Glad to hear it sir. It’s Russian, you know.”
“Really? They have soup in Russia?”
“Yes sir. They have good things and bad things there, sir. For every good thing like a hearty recipe, they have a bad thing, like the KGB.”
“I’ve heard of that. What’s that again?”
“You must remember, sir. The Soviet era official government intelligence police, sir? Like in the James Bond movies, sir?”
“Oh.”
“If they wanted to wipe you from existence… destroy your business, destroy your life, rob you of friends and family, the KGB could do it. Here, the government doesn’t quite have that power. Yet. I think they were counting on these donor disclosures to enable crooked private citizens to do that kind of harassment for them. Luckily the Court stopped it. For now, sir. For now.”
“Oh. What court is that?”
“The Supreme Court, sir. SCOTUS. Just today, sir. Six to Three against California’s crooked, unconstitutional law.”
“Oh. What law is that?”
“The one that was intended to expose donors to groups that the activists hate, so they could direct their hate directly at the private donors, sir.”
“Oh. Could you get me some more of this soup? Maybe more of the beef, less of the pickles this time?”
“Sure. Be glad to. Got nothing better to do than to hobble up and down the stairs with a bowl of soup for a man with the attention span of a gnat.”
“Huh? What’s that?”
“Never mind sir. I’ll get your soup. Sure hope that temp agency gets me somebody soon…”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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