Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We are sharing approximately every other story from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, and are now sampling Volume Three’s ninety chapters. In today’s episode from the late summer of his first year in office, President Buckstop’s soup aide, Russell Rhoades, tries to get the old man to understand the damage done by the CDC’s moratorium on evictions:
Renters, Landlords, Evictions, and Lasagne-Style Soup with Italian Sausage
Dateline: August 26. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir, it’s that time again.”
“Can’t be. I just had one!”
“Had what, sir?”
“My electro-shock therapy! Wasn’t it just, like, ten minutes ago?”
“Uhh… I wouldn’t know, sir… I, umm, I wouldn’t know about that sort of… umm… sir… I don’t think people even DO electro-shock therapy anymore. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t happen, sir.”
“Well, that’s what they called it when they were putting the wires and connectors on me!”
“Hmm…. Might it have been an EKG, sir?”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a way of checking the heart rate, I think, sir. I don’t really know anything about it, sir, it just feels more likely than electro-shock therapy, sir.”
“Oh. Well, I wouldn’t know. They’re all doctors; I don’t argue with them.”
“I see, sir.”
“They’re really smart, you know. They have all those degrees, and residency, and experience, and stuff… and briefcases. Nice briefcases. Really fancy.”
“Well, sir, don’t sell yourself short. You have two degrees, too, after all.”
“I do?”
‘Well, sure. Don’t you have both a bachelor’s and a law degree, sir?”
“Heh. Yeah. I do, don’t I? Heh. God knows how!”
“Funny, sir, that’s just what I was thinking.”
“What was?”
“Never mind, sir. The thing is, sir, I brought your soup…”
“Oh, soup? Cool!”
“That’s what I meant, sir. It’s time for soup.”
“Neat!”
“Lasagna-Style Soup with Italian Sausage, sir.”
“Wow! That sounds good!”
“Yes sir. I had a cup upstairs before I headed down. For once, I actually asked her for the recipe. She couldn’t give it to me.”
“Oh. State secret, huh?”
“No sir. She said she made it up out of her head. She was at the grocery store, and she saw a canned soup of this name, and she thought it was a good idea so she made her own, sir.”
“Are there crackers?”
“There are always crackers, sir. Soup, crackers, napkins, and spoons, sir, as always, sir.”
“Good stuff… umm… uhh… what’s your name again?”
“Russell, sir. Russell Rhoades, sir.”
“Oh, right. I’ll never remember that.”
“I realize that, sir.”
“This is good!”
“It certainly is, sir. I was supposed to have dinner with a friend before I came over, and we were a bit rushed so I didn’t get to order dinner. So i appreciated the soup when I got here.”
“Oh. Mmm… Good.”
“Yes sir. See, I was having dinner with a buddy who’s a building manager. Well, that’s not entirely true. He was a building manager, but during the last year, he lost some of his accounts, and now he has less work.”
“Huh? I don’t understand.”
“Yes, sir, I’ve surprisingly gotten used to that over the past couple of weeks, sir. Hardly bothers me at all now, sir.”
“Oh, that’s good. Wait, what?”
“So, the thing is, sir, my buddy is a property manager for people who own small apartment buildings. You know how some people have a three-flat or six-flat as an investment property, sir? Live in one apartment, rent out the others, that sort of thing?”
“No.”
“Well, a lot of people do, sir. If they own a whole bunch of them, maybe they can make a living at it, but with most people, they just own a couple or maybe a few, and the income provides them something to invest in a retirement fund, and maybe they sell one of the buildings when they retire and they can live on the proceeds. That’s usually the plan, sir.”
“Sounds like a lot of work. Why not just get a government job?”
“Well, sir, to be honest, sir, some people would rather jump into an active volcano than be a bureaucrat, sir.”
“Come on, man!”
“Let’s just say everyone prefers different careers, sir. So anyway, some people who own these small apartments can do their own repairs, and some of them can’t afford their own repairs, so they hire somebody to them for them.”
“What repairs?”
“Well, um, you know, whatever breaks. Furnace, air conditioning, plumbing… and then there’s the painting when a tenant moves out, and sometimes you need to have a closet rod repositioned, or a bedroom door replaced, or maybe the locks need to be changed. All those sorts of things, sir. The things that go wrong in any apartment, sir.”
“Mmm. This is good soup. What’s it called again?”
“Lasagna-style Soup with Italian Sausage, sir.”
“How do you know it’s Italian Sausage?”
“It says so on the package, sir.”
“I don’t see a package.”
“Well, yes, sir, umm, the cook would’ve had to take the sausage out of the package before she cooked it, sir.”
“This is good. Maybe she can make more for me to serve during my next meeting. I have another meeting. For real!”
“Yes, sir, I’m sure you have lots of meetings, sir.”
“But this one is for real!”
“As opposed to….?”
“Huh?”
“Yes, sir. Well, anyway, my friend had a good job working for several landlords as their property manager. He worked really long hours, but it worked out okay for him. He liked the variety. One day he’d be installing a door, the next day he’d be fixing a garbage disposal.”
“We have one of those in Washington. We call it the House of Representatives.”
“Excuse me, sir? Ummm… Ohhh. I get it.”
“Good one, huh?”
“If you say so, sir. So, anyway, as the people stopped paying rents last year, a couple of his clients couldn’t afford to keep him on retainer. They had to start doing the painting themselves, installing curtain rods themselves, whatever they could do by themselves, and only hire him for the jobs they couldn’t do. His income is down by about half because people aren’t paying rent.”
“Well, maybe your friend should get another job. The government’s always hiring, you know.”
“Just like you do, most of the time, I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that, sir.”
“Oh. What?”
“Eat your soup, sir. So anyway, sir, the good news tonight was while we were having dinner, one of his clients texted him that the Supreme Court finally did the right thing, and they think they can hire him back at his regular rate again soon… hope they didn’t just say that to get him to rush over and do the plumbing job they needed him for.”
“Plumbing?”
“Yes sir, it’s the sort of thing he does. Handyman stuff, plumbing, appliance repairs sometimes, painting. Whatever the place needs.”
“Oh. Sounds like a lot of work. Has he considered welfare?”
“Excuse me, sir?”
“We have a lot of programs. Maybe he could qualify for a program that would pay him enough so he doesn’t have to work. Has he been injured?”
“NO, sir. He has not been injured. He is very careful, and very good at his job, sir. He takes pride in his work, sir.”
“Too bad. Hard to find a good program for people like that.”
“He doesn’t NEED a program, sir. He needs his clients’ tenants to pay their rent, sir!”
“Well, don’t they?”
“No, sir, they don’t. Lots of tenants in lots of states have been taking advantage of that illegal moratorium on evictions ever since the virus shutdowns began over a year ago, sir.”
“Mmm… this is good soup. Did you try any?”
“Yes sir, I did. It’s good. Anyway, sir, the government has been telling people they don’t have to pay their rent. So a lot of people – I don’t know how many – hundreds of thousands? Maybe millions, for all I know – have been just living in other people’s property – in apartments or houses or townhomes or whatever – and not paying their rent… because the federal government said they don’t have to! It’s insane, sir!”
“Well, sure! The government has to help people; that’s what the government is for!”
“No it’s not, sir! It’s there to enforce the law and protect our borders from invaders and protect people from criminals!”
“And help people.”
“Sir, all over the country there are people going bankrupt because they own apartments and houses and can’t collect rent because their tenants are taking advantage of this sick rule, sir!”
“What sick rule?”
“Sir, the government is putting landlords out of business. It’s destroying the property they worked for their whole life. It’s horrible, sir.”
“Don’t make such a big deal. It’s only until the pandemic is over, after all.”
“And WHEN will it be ‘over,’ sir?”
“Oh, heh heh, it’ll never be over. You think we’re letting go of this? Heh heh.”
“Well, then Heaven the Supreme Court finally did the right thing, sir.”
“Huh? What did they do?”
“Tonight, sir, the Supreme Court finally stated the common sense fact that the CDC doesn’t have the authority to issue a ban on evictions for cause, sir. Period.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that deadbeats can be thrown out again, after months and months and months… some of these people have been living in other people’s property for a year without paying their rent, because they know the government wouldn’t let them evict anyone.”
“Wow. When did this happen?”
“What, sir?”
“Oh, when did the Supremes jump in?”
“Just tonight, sir.”
“They always were best at night. Lot of hits.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“You know, like ‘Baby Love.’ Oh, and ‘Where Did Our Love Go?’ Those were good.”
“What, are these song titles, sir?”
“Oh, they did ‘Come See About Me!'”
“I’m sorry, sir, what are we talking about?”
“The Supremes! You wanted to talk about the Supremes, right?”
“Oh boy. No, sir, I actually did not want to talk about the Supremes, sir. I was talking about the Supreme Court, sir.”
“The who?”
“No, sir, the Supreme Court, sir. You know, nine judges in robes, sir? Downtown Washington, sir, just off the Mall? Highest court in the land, sir?”
“Oh. Supreme Court. Why didn’t you say so?”
“Oh my. Well, sir, anyway, tonight they finally struck down the eviction moratorium, sir. So landlords can hopefully get back on their feet again.”
“Hey! Come on, man! How is this any of their business?”
“They’re the highest court in the land, sir.”
“But the CDC said it was important!”
“The CDC says a lot of things, sir. Usually contradicts itself completely day by day. Sometimes the same day, sir.”
“What’s that?”
“Sir, the CDC didn’t have the authority to create an eviction moratorium!”
“But they’re the CDC!”
“Yes sir, and that’s a bookcase over there, and that’s a computer monitor, and this is a bowl of soup, sir.”
“Huh?”
“Identifying something doesn’t magically grant it constitutional powers, sir.”
“Oh.”
“SCOTUS ruled, sir, six to three, that the CDC can’t stop landords from evicting deadbeats, sir. Thank goodness.”
“How dare they!”
“Well, they’re the Supreme Court, sir. Though they did say that maybe it could be considered if Congress passed a law about it. You know, instead of the CDC just making up powers out of thin air, sir.”
“Come on, man! The thin air is the province of the EPA, not the CDC!”
“If you say so, sir.”
“Well, did the Supreme Court say what we need to do?”
“I think they basically said you need to obey the Constitution, sir.”
“No, not about that. I mean, did they say how we could make the eviction ban stick?”
“Now, why on earth would they do that, sir?”
“Because we have to help people!”
“Sir, do you understand that there are two people here… the people who’ve sunk their life savings into a building, and the people who seem dedicated to driving those people into bankruptcy? Do you understand that, sir?”
“What?”
“Oh brother. Here, let me read the article, sir… it’s on my phone… mmm… let’s see… mmm… Huh??? Oh boy.”
“What? What is it?”
“It says the Supremes said that maybe if it was authorized by a law then it could happen. So in other words, if a bill made it through the house and senate and got signed by the president, then maybe that might authorize it, sir.”
“Well, there ya go, you lying dogfaced pony soldier! I CAN do it!”
“It didn’t say that, sir.”
“Sure it did!”
“No, sir, it said their specific reason for overturning the ban is that the CDC isn’t authorized to do such a thing, but if a law authorized it, then they might be.”
“Same thing!”
“No, sir, not at all. The issue of the CDC’s authorization is that it would require permission from Congress, sir… but that raises another question: whether or not Congress CAN issue such an authorization, sir.”
“Huh? What are you talking about?”
“Well, sir, the Constitution doesn’t allow the federal government to meddle this way. So my bet is, sir, if Congress wrote such a law, it would be unconstitutional, and would be tossed out, sir.”
“That’s not fair!”
“Of course it’s fair, sir. The Constitution limits the powers of the federal government, sir. Nowhere in the document does it say that the federal government can ban a landlord from evicting a deadbeat who’s trying to drive him into bankruptcy, sir. Nowhere, sir.”
“Well, Dammit.”
“Sir, I don’t think your realize how important apartment buildings are, sir. They’re the only way a lot of people can afford to live safely and comfortably until they can afford a house. They’re the method that millions and millions of hardworking people have used to provide for their retirements and to leave their children an inheritance, sir. Apartment buildings are a critical part of the American experience, sir.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the importance of landlords, and how outrageous it is to always attack them, sir!”
“Maybe I should just write an Executive Order…”
“GOOD HEAVENS NO SIR !!!”
“Huh? What’s that?”
“Sir, the Constitution doesn’t allow it. No matter how well-intentioned it may be, sir, you don’t have that power. Congress doesn’t have that power. The federal government doesn’t have that power, sir.”
“You’re no fun, you know that?”
“Sir, I have a pal who had a small business, and lost half his income because of this stupid illegal decree, sir. I think being fun is hardly relevant here, sir.”
“Look, now, here’s the deal. If you just get a job working for the government, you won’t have to worry about any of this stuff. Think about it!”
“I’d rather starve.”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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