Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We are sharing approximately every other story from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, and are now sampling Volume Three’s ninety chapters. In today’s episode from the late summer of his first year in office, President Buckstop’s soup aide, Russell Rhoades, arrives downstairs to see a mess of broken dishes and spilled equipment that just keeps getting worse and worse.
The World in Disarray, and Solyanka Soup
Dateline: August 31. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir. Are you in?”
“Huh? What’s that?”
“I have your soup, sir. May I come in, sir?”
“Oh, yeah, come in. Just playing some Smash Brothers here.”
“Good heavens, sir, what happened in here, sir?”
“Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s not important.”
“But sir, the monitor’s on the floor, shattered, in pieces, sir!”
“Doesn’t matter. I can walk around it. It’s no problem. I’m just using the other monitor.”
“But sir, how did it happen? Did a dog or cat knock it down, sir? How could a 32″ flatscreen tumble down like that, sir?”
“Doesn’t matter. I was just reaching for the keyboard cable and I gave it a tug and it came crashing down, that’s all.”
“But sir, cables are always connected to the back of monitors nowadays, sir, obviously if you tug them, you’ll just pull them over, sir!”
“Damn fools shouldn’t design them so stupidly. Connections ought to be in the front.”
“Well, sir, to be fair, it’s a safety issue; they put the connections in the back so that the cables will be in the back too, and they won’t be a trip hazard, sir.”
“Well, that much worked. We won’t trip on it because we’ll be walking all around it instead now.”
“That’s not what I meant, sir. It’s just that, it’s dangerous to have a shattered computer monitor on the floor, sir.”
“They shouldn’t have put it there. When I bought this house, they had this stupid TV nook there. They shouldn’t have put it there. It’s their fault.”
“Well, sir, to be fair, this is an old house, sir.”
“So?”
“Well, sir, people didn’t put TVs in the basement when they built this house. They didn’t have Smart TVs or modems and internet connections or keyboards and game controllers for the TVs, back when this house was built. You can’t blame the builder for not anticipating the invention of the internet, decades later, sir.”
“Sure I can! I bought it! I can blame anybody I want!”
“Well, perhaps so, sir, but it wouldn’t be fair.”
“Come on, man! I decide what’s fair! You don’t! Now, do you have soup for me or what?”
“Well, yes, sir, I do… I have the tray right here, sir…”
“Well hurry up, you lying dog faced pony soldier!”
“Here you are, sir, it’s called Solyanka soup; it’s a Russian soup with various cured meats like sausages and salami, and olives and cabbage and pickles and various strong flavors like that, sir.”
“Don’t think I’ve ever had that before.”
“Haven’t you done business in Russia, sir?”
“Didn’t have to eat their food, if I did.”
“I see, sir. Well, here’s the soup, and your bowl of crackers, and napkins and spoons, sir.”
“Not enough crackers. I want more crackers!”
“This is about the same size bowl of crackers we always bring you, sir. I didn’t realize you wanted more, sir.”
“Well get ’em! Get ’em now! Or the soup’ll get cold!”
“Okay, sir… I’ll head right up, and bring back another bowl of crackers, sir. Back in a moment, sir.”
“Hmm. Stupid kid. Stupid soup. Russian soup. Who wants Russian soup, anyway? Dumb. Hmm. Hmm.. Where IS that kid? Man. You want something done…”
“Okay, sir, here you are, sir! Ahh. Ahh… Give me a minute, sir. Probably shouldn’t have flown down the stairs like that… but, umm… HEY! Good heavens, sir! What happened to your soup?”
“It jumped off the table.”
“Good heavens! Your bowl is shattered on the floor, there’s soup all over your trousers, and all over your chair, and the floor…. And that was a beautiful china bowl, sir…. what a loss…”
“No loss. It doesn’t matter. Just get me some more soup.”
“But sir, we should pick that up, sir.”
“No! Doesn’t matter. Get me some more soup. Now.”
“But sir, there are food and shards of bone china all over the floor, sir!”
“Don’t care. Doesn’t matter. it’s fine. I like it this way. Just get me another bowl.”
“How did it happen, sir?”
“Told ya. The damn fool people who built this house screwed up. The lighting’s wrong, furniture’s wrong. It’s a wonder things don’t spill all the time. Every day. I’ve done a terrific job never spilling before.”
“Well, actually, sir, you spill frequently, sir…”
“What’s your name?”
“Russell, sir. Russell Rhoades, sir.”
“Well, get me another bowl of soup. Now!. Otherwise these crackers are pretty useless, aren’t they…. Get me more soup.”
“I hope the cook has more. She might not, actually, since this wasn’t a huge batch tonight.”
“Not acceptable! Get me a bowl of soup if she has to make a new batch from scratch! Now!”
“Yes sir. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes, sir.”
“Stupid punk kid. All these stupid soup aides. They’re always more trouble than they’re worth. Interrupt me when I’m reading a briefing… or playing a game… or surfing the web…”
“Here you are, sir, We lucked out, she made a larger batch than I thought. So here’s another bowl. It’s from the same set as the first one, so it’s irreplaceable, sir.”
“I don’t give a damn about that. Just gimme the soup.”
“I did, sir, it’s right there. I’ll go upstairs and see if I can find someone who can give me a change of clothes to bring down for you, sir.”
“None of that! Don’t you dare go ask for my clothes!”
“Well, sir, I just thought you’d want clean clothes, sir, so you don’t catch cold, sir. And what if you had a video call, an unexpected one? Well, sir, you’d need a clean suit, sir.
“Look, here’s the thing: I don’t care about you and your suits and your ideas… Maybe I should just refuse the calls if anyone calls looking for me… Yeah. You leave me alone and just tell them upstairs I’m working.”
“Can I bring you a towel, at least, sir? You’re covered in soup, sir.”
“Yeah a towel. Get a towel. That’ll work.”
“Okay, sir, I’ll go up and see about a towel for you, sir.”
“You do that. Hmmm… now I’m waiting for a towel. Soup and crackers and napkins, night after night after night…. Where IS that kid? … OH, there you are. What’s your name again?”
“Russell, sir. Russell Rhoades, sir. Here’s your towel, sir. So can throw it in when you’re finished with it… I just can’t get over this, sir. You’re surrounded by broken glass, broken china, soup all over the floor, electrical parts, sir… Doesn’t this bother you, sir?”
“What?”
“This mess, sir! Aren’t you uncomfortable?”
“Well, yeah, you shouldn’t have done this, but I’ll manage.”
“ME, sir? What are you talking about? I hadn’t arrived yet when you pulled down the monitor off the wall… And I was upstairs when you dropped that antique soup bowl and spilled soup all over yourself, sir… You made this mess all by yourself, sir.”
“That’s it. First thing tomorrow, I’m firing you … You shouldn’t have brought me soup in that fancy bowl in the first place. Never asked me for a fancy bowl like that. In the future, you can tell those people I just want a hot dog. And some ice cream…. hmmm… I’m gonna get those spoons. There are spoons on the floor.”
“Oh, did you drop your spoons, sir?”
“No! I didn’t have anything to do with it. I just turned my head to look at that other monitor, and the next thing I knew, those spoons were on the floor, and I had to bend down to get it.”
“Oh, I see, sir, so you dropped them when you turned…:”
“No, I didn’t! I didn’t drop them! I turned for a moment and when I turned back, they were on the floor under my desk, see?
“Don’t worry, sir, I’m sure I can get you a couple more spoons on my next trip upstairs, sir.”
“No, I can do this…. I can do anything. That’s why I’m here. I’ll just bend down and look around under the desk, and… OUCH!!!!”
“What happened, sir?”
“Damn. Cut my fingers on those broken pieces of the bowl. Dammit.”
“Which hand, sir?”
“The left… no, the right… oh, dammit.”
“Both your hands are covered in blood, sir.”
“Never mind that. I’m eating my soup.”
“But sir, you’re going to need to wash those hands, sir… open wounds bleeding all over the basement can’t be a good thing, sir. For one thing, you could trip over it all, sir.”
“Look, I don’t give a damn about any of that. This evening is going just fine, and I won’t let you spoil it by telling on me. This was a great evening. An extraordinary success. No matter WHAT you say.”
“The room is a shambles, there’s broken glass and broken china and soup everywhere, I hardly know where to start, sir.”
“You can start by leaving. Get out. Just get out!”
“Yes sir. If you say so, sir. I was just trying to help, sir.”
“Get out. I want you out of here before the clock chimes that August 31 is over, you understand????”
“Yes sir. Good night, sir. Best of luck, sir.”
“Don’t you go wishing things on me, you lying dog-faced pony soldier. It’s all your fault. Now get out!”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. President of the Ethnic American Council in the 1980s and Chairman of the Milwaukee County Republican Party in the 1990s, his book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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