Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Vol III – Episode 134: The Rich, the Fair Share, and Rich Chicken Soup with Fresh Noodles

Political Satire:  Having trouble surviving these times?  You’re not alone.  Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:

Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…

Note: We are sharing approximately every other story from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, and are now sampling Volume Three’s ninety chapters. In today’s episode from the first year of his regime, his soup aide serves him an interesting soup that inspires a discussion about tax policy.

The Rich, the Fair Share, and Rich Chicken Soup with Fresh Noodles

Dateline: September 19. Begin Transcript:

“Good evening sir, how’s your vacation going?”

“What vacation?”

“Well, sir, you got of the plane in Delaware on Friday with your staff loudly declaring that it would be a vacation weekend on the beach, sir, remember?”

“They did? Oh.”

“They said you were going to spend the evening at Rehoboth Beach, sir, because you needed a vacation, sir.”

“Oh, right. I needed them to clear my schedule.”

“A lot going on, sir… All those Afghans and Haitians you keep bringing into the country, China saber-rattling in the Pacific, France losing their temper at you… most of the time, a guy in your position would’ve worked through the weekend, you know, sir?”

“I needed a nap.”

“I see, sir. Well, that budget speech the other day probably tired you out, sir, didn’t it?”

“What’s your name again?”

“We’ve been through this, sir. I’m Rocky.”

“Where do I know you from?”

“My brother, Russell – you remember him, sir, Russell Rhoades – served you your evening soup for a few weeks, sir, and then he got a real job, so the agency offered it to me, sir, remember?”

“What’s your name again?”

“Rocky, sir.”

“Right. Look, here’s the thing. I’m not talking with you unless there’s a reason to. I don’t take anyone’s questions unless there’s a reason to. So… does all this mean you have soup for me tonight?”

“Yes sir. I have a tray of soup right here, sir.”

“Mmm… smells good… what is it?”

“Rich Chicken Soup with Fresh Noodles, sir. The cook made the noodles and everything, sir.”

“Mmm… are there crackers?”

“We would never forget your crackers, sir. Soup, crackers, napkins, and children’s soup spoons. They’re all here, sir.”

“Mmm… Goody.”

“I wasn’t watching TV when you were giving that budget speech a couple days ago, and I saw it on the internet this weekend.”

“That’s nice. You want a cookie?”

“No, sir, I just had a couple of questions, sir. You were talking about how you want big business and, uh, ‘the rich’, to pay their fair share, sir.”

“Yes, of course. I’ve talked about that all my life. You’re young. You probably don’t know, but I’ve always said people should pay their fair share.”

“Yes, sir, I know. I just got to thinking, sir, as long as I was watching your speech… what is a fair share, sir?”

“Huh? Well, you know, it’s obvious. Fairness. A fair amount. Not ripping off everyone else. Look, I’m eating my soup here, kid. Leave me to eat it in peace, huh?”

“Yes, sir, certainly, sir. Just trying to understand this one thing, sir. What constitutes a fair share, sir?”

“Why do you always use big words, kid?”

“Rocky, sir.”

“You use big words because of Rocky? I saw Rocky. I think I saw a couple of sequels too. Don’t remember any big words in them…”

“No, sir, My name is Rocky, sir. Not Kid, sir.”

“Oh, okay, whatever.”

“So, could you tell me, sir, what is a fair share, sir? Is it the same amount as everybody else? The same percentage of income as everybody else? The same share of the national budget as everybody else? I’ve been thinking of going into accounting, it really looks like a good career, but I have a feeling I need to understand what the government is doing if I become a CPA, you know? I’d like to understand what my job will be like, and since a big part of that job is dealing with the tax code, I just feel like I really need a better understanding, and I don’t have it, sir.”

“Oh. Good idea. Good soup, too.”

“So, sir, what is a fair share?”

“I told you.”

“No, sir, you actually didn’t, sir. The top one percent earns about a fifth of the income in the country, but pays about two-fifths of the income tax, sir.”

“What’s your point?”

“Well, sir, if you go by population, the top one percent pays forty times their fair share. But if you go by income, the top one percent pays double their fair share. And there’s no scenario I can think of where the amount the top one percent pays is fair to them. To actually have them pay their fair share, sir, would be to give them a huge cut, not a tax increase, sir. That is, you know, if you really did want them to pay their fair share, sir.”

“Come on, man. I’m trying to eat my soup, here.”

“Yes sir. I know, sir. But I’m just trying to understand this. You kept saying you just want the rich to pay their fair share, but all you talk about is robbing them even more. I don’t understand the goal, sir. The end game. And I’m sure I’m not alone, sir. Nobody understands what you guys are hoping to accomplish, here, sir.’

“Look, kid, here’s the thing. We just want fairness. We want the greedy people and companies to settle back and let us be fair about it. That’s all, man.”

“You keep saying that, sir. But you don’t have anything to back up a platitude that more and more Americans now realize is a lie, sir.”

“A what?”

“A lie, sir.”

“No, before that. Look, kid, I’m trying to figure out what the heck you’re talking about, but you keep making up words. What did you say again?”

“Just that you don’t seem to be able to back up a platitude that…”

“That’s it! What the heck is that?”

“A platitude, sir? Umm… A pompous statement, sir, a statement that’s not helpful to your argument because it’s either untrue or unsupportable or outright meaningless, sir.”

“Well then don’t use the word. I’ve told you before about using big words.”

“Yes, sir, I’m sorry, sir. I keep forgetting about your little experience in third grade.”

“Huh? What’s that?”

“Nothing, sir. I’m sorry I used a big word, sir.”

“This is good soup. What’s it called again?”

“Rich Chicken Soup with Fresh Noodles, sir. The cook made the noodles by hand, herself, sir, just this afternoon, sir. That’s what the recipe called for, sir.”

“Well, it’s good. And rich. Good name for it.”

“So as long as we’re talking about the rich, sir.”

“Huh? No, we’re not… I wasn’t talking about the rich…”

“You just did, sir. So anyway, what I’m trying to understand, sir, is what you view as a fair share of taxes, sir. I mean, look at the bottom half of taxpayers, sir. The bottom half, by population, earns about a tenth of the income in the country, but they pay under three percent of federal taxes, sir. Is that fair, sir?”

“Is what fair?”

“For the poorer half of Americans to pay so much less than their fair share, sir.”

“Less than who? Come on, man! I’m trying to enjoy my soup here…”

“Well, sir, by one way of looking at it, the bottom half of people by population could be demanded to pay half the federal income taxes, but they don’t. Or maybe because they earn a little over ten percent of the income… I think the stat was eleven or twelve percent… then we could make them pay eleven or twelve percent of the income taxes. Which of those would be fairer, sir?”

“Well, I don’t know… you’re springing these numbers on me when I’m sitting here in my basement, without a calculator or anything…”

“Your computer has a calculator, sir.”

“It does?”

“And your cellphone there has a calculator, sir.”

“It does?”

“And look at the left end of your desk, sir. You do have a calculator there too, sir!”

“Oh. Well, but… umm… I don’t have any of my budget aides here; they answer that kind of question for me, young man.”

“Oh. So you can’t even wing an answer, sir?”

“Where did you get those numbers, anyway? They don’t sound right at all.”

“From the IRS, sir. Larry Kudlow reported those figures on his show, after your speech, sir. Straight from the IRS, sir.”

“Well… I never trust those think tanks. They make up numbers.”

“I didn’t mention a think tank, sir.”

“You did! Where did you say Kudlow got those stats?”

“The IRS, sir.”

“See!!!”

“The IRS is the Internal Revenue Service, sir. It’s a branch of the federal government, sir. The IRS, sir.”

“Oh. Darn.”

“Yes sir, IRS numbers, sir. I think it’s hard to deny that – whatever your position on taxes, sir – the fairness thing just doesn’t hold water. The current tax structure is totally unfair to the wealthy, sir. It’s like they actually WANTED to drive our business sector out of the country or out of business, sir.”

“No comment. Hey, can I have some more soup?”

Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo

Excerpted from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.

John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant.  President of the Ethnic American Council in the 1980s and Chairman of the Milwaukee County Republican Party in the 1990s, his book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes III, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.

His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.

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