Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We are sharing approximately every other story from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, and are now sampling Volume Three’s ninety chapters. In today’s episode from the first year of his regime, the old man is in Michigan, on an overnight trip pitching his regime’s latest bill to friendly audiences.
Mittens and Jobs and Sunchoke and Leek Soup
Dateline: October 5. Begin Transcript:
“Umm… hello? Hello? Anybody there?”
“What is it? I’m busy!”
“Oh, well, sir, sorry, sir… I’m here with your soup, sir. My dad’s a shop steward, and when my mom heard you were coming to Michigan, my mom asked him to pull some strings so we could treat you to some local soup, while you’re here, sir.”
“Oh, soup? Is there soup? Goody! Come on in!”
“Oh, playing Smash Brothers, huh? My little brother loves that game, sir. He’s always in his basement, playing Smash with his buddies. They have tournaments in the basement, day after day, sir.”
“Good for him. Great game.”
“Yes sir, I’m sure it is, sir.”
“What’s your brother’s name?”
“Henry, but the rest of the family just calls him Slacker, sir.”
“Well, what’s the soup today?”
“This is Sunchoke and Leek Soup, sir. Local Michigan soup, sir. Delicious, sir. Made with local ingredients from both the Mitten and the UP, sir.”
“The what?”
“The Mitten and the UP, sir. You know, the lower and upper peninsulas, sir?”
“Come on, man! What are you talking about?”
“Well, sir, some of the ingredients are grown locally here in the lower peninsula, and some are from the upper peninsula, sir. That’s why the ladies are proud of it, sir. It’s an all-Michigan soup, sir. Great for autumn, sir.”
“No, I mean what does Mittens have to do with it? He didn’t cook it, did he?”
“I’m sorry, sir, you lost me. What do you mean, sir?”
“Look, kid… what’s your name, kid?”
“Ford, sir. Ford Jackson, sir.”
“I’ll never remember that. Okay, look, I asked you an easy question. You brought me some soup, and said Mittens had something to do with it. Now I need to know whether I should hire a food taster or if I can trust it!”
“Well, sir, the ladies at the union hall made the soup, sir. It’s homemade, sir. Of course you can trust it!”
“Mmm. Okay then. But what did Mittens have to do with it?”
“Mittens? Wait, I said some of the ingredients are from the Mitten, sir. The lower peninsula, sir. What did you think I said?”
“Oh, well, now, that’s a relief. I thought you meant that Mittens made the soup.”
“Who? Is that a person, sir?”
“Mittens! Mitt Romney, of course!”
“Who?”
“Mitt Romney! The senator!”
“Oh, well, sir, I don’t know anything about senators, sir. Too many of them to keep track of. It’s all I can manage to do, just to make my car payments and help out my folks with my share of the rent… especially with my idiot brother spending all his time in the basement playing video games all day and all night. Sir.”
“Hmm… so what’s this soup again?”
“Sunchoke and Leek Soup, sir. A local favorite, sir. The ladies at the UAW hall make it, sir. They’re very proud of it. They say it’s very good for you, sir.”
“Mmm… Are there crackers?”
“Yes sir, they phoned ahead and said to make sure we remembered to give you crackers, sir. But who would serve soup without crackers, anyway? It’s not like we would forget it, sir. Silliness… but we did need to be told about the three children’s soup spoons, sir. One of the ladies had to go out shopping for those. We don’t have soft plastic children’s soup spoons at the union hall, sir.”
“Why not?”
“Well, you know, sir… Union hall is full of guys… you know, machinists, assemblymen, shop stewards, tuggers… you know, tough guys, sir. They wouldn’t be caught dead with one of these, umm… oh, uh… never mind… hey, you see that game the other night? Our Lions were crushed, but it was an entertaining game, anyway, you know, uhh, sir…”
“I didn’t know you had lions in Michigan. How long has that been a thing, huh?”
“Pardon, sir? The Lions, sir. You know, from Detroit, sir.”
“Oh, I know all about Detroit. Cars. Trucks. SUVs. Great city, Detroit. But I didn’t know you had wild animals, here, kid. What’s your name again?”
“Ford, sir. Ford Jackson, sir.”
“Oh. I’ll never remember that.”
“So, umm, are you enjoying your time in Michigan, sir?”
“Oh yeah. Saw a factory. Visited a union hall. That was nice. Always good to be around my union buddies!”
“Oh, glad to hear it, sir! Were you UAW too, sir, before you went into politics?”
“Huh?”
“Just wondering, sir, were you in the UAW, sir? Before your political career? Or AFL? Or something else? You’re from the east coast, sir, right?”
“Well, yeah. I’m from Delaware. But I grew up in Scranton PA. Yup, I’m a Scranton boy. Born and raised. Great union town, Scranton.”
“Oh, so were you in the mineworkers union, sir?”
“Huh?”
“What did you do before you became a politician, sir? I’m sorry, maybe I should know, but I don’t know much about politics, sir. What did you do?”
“Uh, that was a long time ago…”
“Well, sure, sir, I’m just trying to make conversation, sir… just wondering what you did before … I mean, you know, back then?”
“Well, uh, I was a lawyer.”
“That’s not a union profession… What else were you, sir?”
“I was on the town council.”
“Oh. But, that’s not a union profession either… what were you before that, sir?”
“I was a lifeguard!”
“A lifeguard, sir?”
“Yeah! And I got along great with all the little children…”
“You were a lifeguard at a kiddie pool, sir?”
“And they liked running their hands up and down my legs in the water, because, see, they liked how the little blond hairs on my legs went up and down, and up and down… and…”
“Umm.. so, umm… what did you do today, sir? What brought you to Michigan anyway, sir?”
“I was doing a campaign stop for our infrastructure bill!”
“Oh. I heard something about that, sir. The one that doesn’t have any infrastructure in it, sir?”
“Come on, man!”
“No, I’m sorry, sir, no offense, sir, I just meant, umm, that’s what I heard, sir. I’m sorry, I’m nervous, sir. Sorry, sir.”
“So I was here to campaign for my economic plan!”
“Oh, cool! I didn’t know you had one, sir!”
“Well, sure!”
“What’s in it, sir?”
“Lots of great programs! Building a network of charging stations, taking over pre-kindergarten as a national program, building more solar panels, all kinds of great stuff!”
“Oh. What about tax cuts and regulatory reductions, sir?”
“Huh? I don’t have any of that!”
“Well, sir, I don’t know anything about economics, sir, but all I know is that my folks and my uncles were all out of work five years ago, and then when President Trump came in and implemented his tax cuts and regulatory reductions, sir, and his heavy tariffs on China, sir, all of a sudden, lots and lots of companies were starting up again, and people were getting hired in what they called the great re-shoring, sir.”
“They were?”
“Well, sure, sir… Things were really going great for a couple of years, there, sir… Now everything’s gone to hell again, sir.”
“Well, don’t you worry! I’ll solve it! I’m going to raise taxes on the rich and put them in their place! It’ll be great! Happy days are here again, son!”
“You know all those start up companies that hired my Dad and Mom and my uncles and our other friends, sir?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, sir, they were all created by rich people, sir.”
“Yeah, so?”
“Well, sir, if you punish all of them, maybe they won’t start up new businesses, sir.”
“What?”
“Well, there’s a saying around here, sir. When people talk about beating up on the rich, we remind them, I never got a job from a poor person, sir.”
“You didn’t?”
“No, sir. Poor people can’t start businesses. Poor people can’t build factories. Poor people can’t hire staffers and pay them good salaries and benefits and stuff, sir. You’ve got to be rich to do that, you know, sir? So… we HAVE to have rich people, sir.”
“I was happier when I was just eating my soup.”
“Well, I don’t know.. I was supposed to chat with you, sir, and make small talk, I’m just not sure what to say, sir. Umm… how was your reception here, sir? When you got to Michigan, did you get a nice hero’s welcome, sir?”
“I’m just going to eat my soup, kid. Look, get me some more crackers, would ya? And don’t talk anymore…”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. President of the Ethnic American Council in the 1980s and Chairman of the Milwaukee County Republican Party in the 1990s, his book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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