Life Isn’t Always Fair

My parents were both Christians and they raised me and my brother in a Christian home. They went to church on Sundays as long as they were physically able. They led a June and Ward Cleaver life, and I never doubted their love for me or their love for God. Were they perfect? Absolutely not—none of us, not even the Cleavers, can make that claim.

But in spite of their living righteous lives and always trying to do the right thing, they both were casualties of dementia. Dad died with Alzheimer’s disease 18 years ago at the relatively young age of 72. Mom died in 2020 just before her 86^th birthday, and while she did not have Alzheimer’s, some form of dementia definitely ruled the end of her life.

Without going into the depressing details, suffice it to say that my parents’ suffering in the final years of their previously happy lives was undeserved. And sad. And heartbreaking. And frightening. And horrific. I can’t think of one word in the English language that encompasses the despair felt by those of us who bore witness.

The focus of this essay, however, is not to depress you with the horrors of dementia, but rather to share my thoughts about why good human beings must suffer through diseases that, essentially, remove their humanity, and how those of us who must witness the suffering can navigate over a rocky road.

Actually, the previous statement is misleading. I don’t have any explanation for why my parents were afflicted with dementia. All I can offer is scriptural references to reassure us that, even in the darkest days, God is in control.

In the Bible, there were certainly individuals who suffered from forms of dementia. In the Old Testament, Job is driven to the brink of madness when he loses his family, his wealth, and his health. Throughout the New Testament, there are stories of demonic possession, and if demonic possession isn’t a form of dementia, what is?

Of course, in the Bible, Job is restored to health, happiness, and prosperity beyond his earlier state, and in the New Testament, the demons are cast out and sent on their way. But my parents didn’t have a happy ending here on earth. Are there times that I questioned if God knew what he was doing? Yes, yes there were. Is it ok for us to question God? Yes, yes it is. Most of the Old Testament prophets questioned God. Job questioned God. Even Jesus questioned God: in Matthew 27:46 and Mark 15:34, He cries out, “My God, My God! Why have You forsaken Me?”

This is the only direct quote of Jesus while he was on the cross that appears in more than one gospel, and it is actually a quote from Psalm 22:1. Did Jesus give up on God? Theologians offer various opinions, but one that resonates with me is that Jesus’ cry showed that He was fully human and He suffered as a human would suffer. Another explanation is that, by quoting from the Old Testament, Jesus showed Himself to be the very Being to whom the words referred. In other words, He demonstrated that He had fulfilled the scripture.

While I don’t have the answer to the question of why God allows us to suffer, allow me to share some passages of scripture that helped me make sense of my parents’ suffering.

Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” To me, this is God’s way of saying, “Don’t worry—I’ve got this.”

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  God reassures us that there is a plan, and from this, I infer that there’s a reason for the suffering (that I can’t yet understand—see Isaiah 55:8-9 above).

Psalm 121:1-2 “I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.” If I can remember to lift my eyes from earthly problems and set my sights on what’s to come, I can renew my strength.

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”  Again, God has a good thing in store for us.

Psalm 30:5 “Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” And one more time, God is in control and He has a plan to lead us to something wonderful.

So, since Job was restored, and the demons were cast out, and Jesus rose from the dead on Easter, does that mean that our loved ones who are never “healed” from dementia didn’t have enough faith, or that those of us who witnessed their decline didn’t pray hard enough? I don’t believe so. While my dad and my mom were not healed here on earth, and their earthly lives didn’t have happy endings, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that their faith provided them with the ultimate happy ending—they see God face to face.

“Today, you will be with Me in Paradise.”
Luke 23:43