Snark

The Great Pentagon Camouflage War

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The Great Pentagon Camouflage War may go down as one of the finest examples of what happens when bureaucracy collides head-on with the laws of physics. For thousands of years, armies understood a simple concept: if you’re fighting in the desert, wear desert colors. If you’re fighting in the woods, wear woodland colors. Then someone decided we could outsmart Mother Nature with a “Universal Camouflage Pattern” that would supposedly work everywhere. It turned out to work spectacularly well… provided the enemy attacked in a gravel pit. Afghanistan quickly exposed the fantasy, and after years of testing, billions in replacement equipment, and enough PowerPoint slides to camouflage the Pentagon itself, the Army arrived at the shocking scientific discovery that brown and green actually blend into brown and green. Sometimes the most expensive lesson in military history is learning that physics doesn’t salute generals.

Customer service: ‘Please hold while I disconnect you.’

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Welcome to Unamerican Diversified Health Insurance, a division of Engulf & Devour, where we always stand behind each of our customers because we use them as human shields.

Your call is so important to us that we have an automated system to deal with you instead of a real person. We value your business about as much as we do the Iranian rial.

Living Behind Enemy Lines, Tale #106: Some Liberals Never Got Over The Sense Of Power They Got During Blue State Covid Lockdowns

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Living Behind Enemy Lines, Tale #106: Some Liberals Never Got Over The Sense Of Power They Got During Blue State Covid Lockdowns

The worst part of the unconstitutional Covid economic lock downs in Washington (32 months) and Oregon (25 months) was not the fear that the “Covid police” would arrest you and/or fine you. If you were a business, however, they would and did bankrupt you. The worst part was not knowing when a Liberal would bark at you.

News Highlights of the Week: Trannies belong in cars not women’s sports.

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The information warfare machine continues to spew out its drivel. Objective: Pit you against me, in whatever form that manifests. Man against God, man against women, man against countrymen, it matters not, so long as discord and chaos reign. If you read Don’s take on the news this week, you can skip the psyops and develop a jaundiced eye toward the psyop minions: the media.

Does the Filibuster Still Serve a Purpose?

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The Safeguard American Voter Eligibility Act (SAVE) has ripped the scab off of the festering wound we call the Senate filibuster. Requiring proof of citizenship to vote, is favored by over 80 percent of the electorate – at least of those voters who can legally vote. Its passage should be a no-brainer. But apparently the Senate lacks the brains for a no-brainer.

The Great American Lawn: Our Dumb Little Kingdoms of Grass

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For a nation founded by farmers, we sure spend a lot of time maintaining grass we can’t eat. The American lawn wasn’t born out of practicality—it was imported from European aristocrats as a symbol of wealth. Today, millions of us faithfully burn fuel, spread fertilizer, and surrender our Saturdays maintaining tiny suburban kingdoms that exist mostly to impress the neighbors. We rejected kings in 1776, then spent the next two centuries pretending to be them, one freshly mowed lawn at a time.

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE NEWS with Don Surber

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Don Surber shares his unique take on this week’s news items. Enjoy.

ITEM 1: Sam Stein whined, “SCOTUS just sided with the administration’s desire to end Temporary Protected Status for Haitians. 350k of them now at risk of immediate deportation.”

The cat “pawsed” long enough from poll-writing duties to meow a sigh of relief.

ITEM 2: AP reported:

The Supreme Court sided with the Trump administration Tuesday in an immigration case dealing with the government’s power over green card holders accused of crimes.

The 6-3 decision centers on an immigration officer’s 2012 decision to put lawful permanent resident Muk Choi Lau on immigration parole when he returned from a short trip to China because he had been accused of a counterfeiting crime.

Lau argued that overstepped the officer’s authority, and the decision wrongly allowed the Department of Homeland Security to swiftly begin deportation proceedings after he pleaded guilty to selling counterfeit clothes in New Jersey.

In the Three Stoogettes dissent, KBJ said this put Muk Choi Lau in “immigration limbo.” I agree. He shouldn’t be in immigration limbo. He should be in prison in his home country.

ITEM 3: Prices for SpaceX fell to normal after the sugar rush of its IPO. This means Elon Musk is no longer a trillionaire.

I am setting up a GoFundMe to get him back to that status. Oh, the money won’t go to him. That would be charity and he would never accept. Instead, I will use the money to buy SpaceX shares to get the price back up and Make Elon A Trillionaire Again because I’m such a swell guy.

ITEM 4: The New York Post reported, “Acting AG Todd Blanche announces 455 people charged for $6.5 billion in health care fraud schemes.”

Comment from Lucianne.com: “Pam Bondi was unavailable for comment—something about a nail parlor appointment.”

ITEM 5: JPMorgan Chase fired Angie Báez, 40, as its $350,000 Executive Director of Community and Industry Engagement for Card and Connected Commerce, for stealing a New York Knicks trash can following the team’s NBA championship victory.

Before you trash her, remember she was smart enough to snag a $350,000-a-year gig with just a two-year degree from a community college.

DEI Card. Don’t leave home without it.

ITEM 6: Liberals are upset by (spins wheel) Trump administration women are having babies.

Abortion. Anti-natalism. We haven’t had governors this opposed to childbirth since Herod.

ITEM 7: Via Power Line, “Air conditioning torn from homes under net zero clampdown.”

Hard to sell global warming to people with AC.

ITEM 8: A federal judge handed out sentences of 30 years to 100 years in prison to 8 Antifa members who attacked an ICE facility in Prairieland, Texas.

Apparently George Soros doesn’t provide legal aid to his employees.

ITEM 9: Basil the Great tweeted:

A French woman was given a six month suspended sentence and a €3,000 fine after her home was invaded by a Tunisian migrant who sexually assaulted her.

She appeared on national television to discuss her ordeal and said “the main danger for women in France is Black African and Arab immigrant men.”

The Police then charged her with “incitement to racial hatred.”

I suggest she spend another €3,000 and buy a pet pig to protect her. Name it Hal L.

ITEM 10: Pocahontas tweeted, “If Elon Musk paid my ultra-millionaire wealth tax, we could pay for child care for all three and four year olds in America.”

If federal tax and import policy supported more high-paying jobs for fathers, child care for most 3- and 4-year-olds would be called Mommy again.

ITEM 11: France played Iraq in the FIFA games.

Of course the Muslim team won. I just don’t know which one.

ITEM 12: Kevin Sorbo tweeted, “A Muslim woman in a hijab just said that ‘America deserved 9/11’ and won her primary in NY. That’s what the Democrat Party has become.”

Which is the bigger crime today: being patriotic or islamophobic?

ITEM 13: Collin Rugg tweeted:

Louisiana pastor beats up a man who allegedly threatened to r*pe and kill his wife and grandchildren.

Pastor Tony Spell of Life Tabernacle Church says he was working on a church bus when the neighbor’s son started shouting at him.

Spell said that it is his job as the natural protector to protect his church and family.

Police arrested the preacher. Should have made a whip of cords.

ITEM 14: REPORTER: “A new UK Prime Minister will be installed soon. Do you want to be the first person on his list to visit the country?”

TRUMP: “No.”

Just as well. The new prime minister undoubtedly will be more comfortable in Tehran or some other Muslim city.

Like London.

ITEM 15: From England:

We gotta stop that kid.

(Alternative) He’ll outgrow it and become a kindergartener who shoots someone each week.

ITEM 16: Patriot Pulse reported, “MLB Warned Christian Players for Writing Bible Verses and Harmeet Dhillon Just Made Them Regret It.”

If Black Lives Matter, then Bible Verses Matter too.

ITEM 17: The Washington Free Beacon reported, “‘We Could Make Prisons Obsolete’: James Talarico Called To Slash Police Budgets and Spend the Money on Social Programs.”

Good idea but executions are better and cheaper. Hang a few shoplifters, shoplifting drops.

ITEM 18: President Trump had a closed door luncheon with Senate Republicans.

Unlike Al Capone, he did not need a baseball bat to get his point across. The next day, Bill Cassidy and Rand Paul meekly changed their votes against Iran, flipping the vote on a resolution denouncing the Iranian war.

ITEM 19: Brandon Gill v. Food Stamps Advocate:

GILL: “Is your organization funded by organizations that make money from food stamps?”

WITNESS: *Silence*

GILL: “Do organizations who profit off food stamps fund your organization?”

WITNESS: “I can’t comment to that.”

GILL: “Does General Mills fund your organization?”

WITNESS: “I don’t have access to that information.”

GILL: “I do. It’s right here. They do fund your organization. Do they profit off food stamps?”

WITNESS: “Retailers are the major beneficiaries.”

GILL: “Do you think that’s a conflict of interest? They’re profiting off your advocacy. Do you think that’s a conflict of interest?”

Also a foolish federal judge ruled that the Trump administration cannot stop the use of food stamps to buy soda pop. Coca-Cola and Pepsi must be a food group alongside Cheeto’s, candy corn and bourbon.

One outa three ain’t bad.

ITEM 20: The Athletic—which serves as the sports section for the New York Times—reported, “Caitlin Clark leaves Indiana Fever game with back issue.”

The back issue was Alyssa Thomas, who knocked her down punched her in the throat while Clark was on her back.

Nearly 63 years ago, the NYT reported that JFK left a parade in Dallas after a splitting headache.

ITEM 21: Fox News tweeted:

A 6-year-old boy was found floating unconscious in a Florida pool. Seconds later, an ICE officer jumped in to save him.

ICE law enforcement officer Gregory Simmonds spotted the child in distress in Pasco County on May 16 and immediately pulled him from the water.

The child wasn’t breathing, and Simmonds began life-saving CPR at the scene until the boy regained consciousness.

Simmonds then arrested the boy’s parents and deported them. Heart-warming story.

I went too far, didn’t I? I apologize and blame the cat.

ITEM 22: John Bolton copped a plea, forfeited his pension, agreed to a $2,250,000 fine and still faces up to 5 years in prison (likely zero) because he did not want to risk losing his moustache.

The Trumpenfreude is strong with this one.

ITEM 23: Experts predicted the FIFA World Cup would be a disaster because of Trump and the tougher scrutiny of foreign visitors. The tournament just set an attendance record—breaking the record set in 1994 when the USA last hosted it.

Maybe Democcrats can throw some algae blossoms in the stadiums to distract attention.

BEST OF TWITTER:

One word.

Smart kid.

What’s the frequency, Kenneth?

Slappy Robot.

Faith.

You can subscribe to Don’s Daily Substack Here.

This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.

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Why Americans reject metric: The joke is true. The American revolution was about weights and measures.

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Comic Nate Bargatze did what was once thought impossible. By playing General Washington, he brought comedy back to SNL after a 30-year absence with two skits called Washington’s Dream in which the general shares his vision of America.

Michigan Needs a Mushroom License — And Deep Down, You Know It

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Every spring in Michigan, the forests erupt into a full-scale fungal gold rush. Pickup trucks jam two-tracks. Facebook groups trade morel coordinates like cartel smugglers swapping contraband routes. Grown adults crawl through the woods in camouflage carrying mesh bags full of mushrooms worth more per pound than some cuts of steak. And through all of it, the State of Michigan collects exactly zero dollars from one of the largest seasonal harvest activities on public land.