Rest in Peace, Chuck Norris. As Erick Erickson said, “Kinda cool to think Chuck Norris really did beat death by putting his faith in the guy who conquered death.”
ITEM 1: Barbra Streisand paid tribute to the late Robert Redford at the Oscars. Jane Fonda sniffed, “She’s only made one movie with him.”
Even Hollywood is not fonda Jane.
ITEM 2: Tuesday was Saint Patrick’s Day. The president of Ireland gave a speech in which she called him Patrick, not Saint Patrick.
In the 5th century, Saint Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland. In the 21st century, the Irish voted the snakes back in.
ITEM 3: NBC tweeted, “A generation ago, Poland rationed sugar and flour while its citizens were paid one-tenth what West Germans earned. Today its economy has edged past Switzerland to become the world’s 20th largest with over $1 trillion in annual output.”
The Poles vaulted over most of Europe.
ITEM 4: German Chancellor Merz tweeted, “The increased gasoline prices due to the crisis surrounding Iran are causing concern for many people. For this reason, the federal government has decided that gas stations may only raise fuel prices once per day. In this way, we are providing relief to consumers.”
Oh that must be satire. I’ll Grok it. What? I don’t believe it but as Lili Von Shtupp said, “It’s twue, it’s twue.”
ITEM 5: Florida Woman of the Week.
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It was for a tribute to Manuel Noriega.
ITEM 6: Flopping Aces tweeted, “Corporate media had a collective meltdown yesterday celebrating that a federal judge blocked RFK Jr.’s overhaul of the CDC vaccine advisory committee. Headlines everywhere cheering that the ‘dangerous reforms’ were stopped.
“Small detail they forgot to mention. The judge doing the blocking—Brian Murphy—has been reversed three times in the past year on Trump cases.”
Aces called him a judicial speedbump. Murphy took office a month before Trump’s return. I call him FJB’s Revenge because Murph the Derp is a lot like Montezuma’s Revenge.
ITEM 7: Dr. Eli David tweeted, “Gholamreza Soleimani, head of Basij: ‘Israel can fight a war for at most 10 days.’ Today he was eliminated on the 18th day of the war.”
Some Surber advice: If your last name is Soleimani, change it to Smith. Immediately.
ITEM 8: Ofer Binshtok tweeted, “The new Basij commander who received the position only yesterday was eliminated today.”
Lifetime job security is not as great as I believed.
ITEM 9: Which one will be the cheese who stands alone?
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Mossad offers a better pension plan than Iran in that you live to collect it.
ITEM 10: Marc Zell tweeted, “Argentina is sending naval units to assist the U.S. in safeguarding international shipping in the Strait of Hormuz. The UK has refused. In 1982 President Reagan came to the aid of then PM Margaret Thatcher who was defending the UK colony in the Falkland Islands, claimed by Argentina which refers to them as the Malvinas Islands.”
Just as well. The British navy can’t keep Muslims in rubber boats from invading. Milei, here’s your chance.
ITEM 11: Gavin Newsom tweeted on July 29, 2016, “César Chávez + Dolores Huerta did not risk their lives so that a man who calls Mexicans rapists/criminals could become president.”
Fact-check: True. That was not what they fought for. Chávez risked his life to have sex with underage teens.
ITEM 12: Jake posted with video, “Trump just unlocked 50,000 barrels of American oil a day—enough to fuel approximately 1.7 million cars. Every single day. He invoked the Defense Production Act to restart offshore platforms off the California coast, shut down since a 2015 spill.”
That ought to Strait-en out gas prices.
ITEM 13: Greg Price tweeted, “When Pete Hegseth was going through is confirmation hearing, Elizabeth Warren wrote an entire letter about how his Deus Vult tattoo made him a right-wing extremist unfit for service. She just endorsed the guy with the Nazi tattoo.”
Nazis were socialists just like her only they wore moustaches.
ITEM 14: The New York Times reported, “U.S. Prosecutors Investigate Colombia’s President, a Onetime Trump Foe.”
The country or did they misspell the college?
ITEM 15: Members of the Congressional Black Caucus are mad at Governor Pritzker for endorsing Juliana Stratton over CBC member Robin Kelly in the Illinois Democrat primary for the Senate.
Politico reported, “CBC Chairwoman Yvette Clarke lashed out at Pritzker, saying she was ‘beyond frustrated’ with the governor for ‘tipping the scales’ a nod to his funneling of $5 million from his super PAC to help catapult Stratton into contention with Rep. Raja Krishnamoorthi, who for much of the primary was leading in the polls and started with a massive cash advantage.”
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ITEM 16: Todd Starnes reported, “The owner of a popular restaurant in Little Rock, Arkansas, ordered Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders to leave because her presence made the staff feel ‘threatened and uncomfortable’ due to her political beliefs.”
She politely left. I hope the owners enjoy their next state health inspection.
ITEM 17: Francis Turner reported, “The U.S. and Israel have full control of Iranian airspace and can hit anything they want with pretty much any weapon they want, as has been noted by the way they have drones taking out individual Basij checkpoints or buildings. Sure some U.S./Israeli drones get shot down, but that’s why you fly unmanned drones not manned planes for such missions.”
Plus drones work cheap.
ITEM 18: Pete Hegseth said, “We’ve decided to share the ocean with Iran. We gave them the bottom half.”
Disney, have I got an idea for a DEI version of The Little Mermaid for you.
ITEM 19: The Thurston (Washington) Chronicle reported, “Two people were injured in a five-vehicle pileup on northbound Interstate 5 in Tumwater on Thursday. A semi driven by Amritpal Singh, 32, of Puyallup in the far left lane reportedly rear-ended another semi in the left lane, driven by Monte R. Willueit, 64, of Spanaway.”
Put your books under your seats. Time for a pop quiz.
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ITEM 20: The Post Millennial reported, “200,000 immigrant truck drivers set to lose CDL eligibility amid safety crackdown.”
But who will do the five-car pileups that Americans won’t do?
ITEM 21: CBS reported, “New York City Council employee detained by ICE must be deported, federal judge rules.”
Does this mean he loses his driver’s license?
ITEM 22: New York Gov Kathy Hochul to Republicans in 2022: “Jump on a bus and head down to Florida, you don’t represent our values, you are not New Yorkers.”
Hochul in 2026: “Maybe the first step is to go down to Palm Beach and see who you can bring back home, our tax base has been eroded.”
Sure, move back to New York and get sued for taking out a loan and paying it back with interest.
ITEM 23: Netanyahu told reporters, “You don’t want to replace one ayatollah with another. You don’t want to replace Hitler with Hitler.”
Why don’t you just drone them? I’ll go get my drone. We’ll drone them together. It’ll be fun. Boom! Dead. Done.
ITEM 24: Axios reported, “Former FBI Director James Comey has been subpoenaed in the wide-ranging grand conspiracy case against the ex-officials who investigated and prosecuted President Trump, two sources with knowledge of the situation tell Axios.”
Trump is rick-rolling the weasel. Never gonna give you up.
ITEM 25: CNBC reported, “The Trump administration has pressed forward with roughly $23 billion in weapons sales to three Gulf nations, moving to bolster their defenses as the Middle East war continued to escalate with no sign of resolution.”
Thank you, Iran, for being jerks about Operation Epic Fury.
ITEM 26: BILL MAHER: “I want to talk about CUBA! This must be important to you, right? That’s where your family’s from? You grew up there?”
CONGRESSWOMAN ANNA PAULINA LUNA: “We’re Mexican. Not all the same, Bill.”
FINALLY, a few words from Richard Nixon:
You know, President Eisenhower, in his farewell address, wrote about and warned against the power of the military-industrial complex. I didn’t get a chance to make a farewell address, but when I get old enough and decide to retire, and I’m not planning it at the moment, but when I get that old, if I make a farewell address, I think I would warn against the media-elitist complex.
You know, the media is always talking about the imperial presidency, the power of the imperial presidency. I think we ought to hear a little bit of discussion of the imperial media and its power. You see, presidential power is limited, limited by the courts, limited by the Congress. The media’s power is unlimited.
And some would say, but what about libel suits? Forget it. After the Supreme Court’s decision in Sullivan v. New York, timed a few years ago, a public figure cannot collect in a libel suit against newspaper or television unless he can prove malice. And there’s no way that that’s going to be possible. As far as the media is concerned, all we can hope from them if they’re going to be responsible is self-analysis, self-criticism, and some of them are trying with their ombudsman and the rest.
The other thing is competition. But what we see in terms of newspapers across the country is more and more places where there’s only one paper. Take Washington, D.C. Since the star left the scene, the Washington Post is the only major newspaper being printed in the most important capital in the world.
I wouldn’t like to leave the fate of this country to the editors of the Washington Post.
Thanks to Trump and the Internet, the Post no longer has that power. Always remember that every person on Nixon’s Enemy List wanted him dead.
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This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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