The Associated Press published an article warning against the health hazards of using fireplaces.
Yes, holiday fireplaces are cozy. Yes, they’re festive. Yes, fireplaces have existed within our hominid culture ever since Adam discovered he had no belly button.
But…
“…Active fireplaces and gas appliances release tiny airborne particles that can get into the lungs and chemicals like nitrogen dioxide, a major component of smog, according to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency.”
But then, there are lots of hazardous things you’re not supposed to do anymore, thanks to deeply concerned governmental and non-federal agencies.
Take sugar. When I was a kid, shortly after the close of the Civil War, everyone ate lots of sugar. Virtually nobody in my life was overweight. Almost all grown-ups and kids were skinny even though we were all eating Little Debbies like they needed the boxes back.
Weirdly, there was no childhood obesity epidemic. Everyone’s mom was lean, everyone’s dad was built like Barney Fife.
Then came the War on Sugar.
Suddenly, we had experts working overtime to figure out the problem. And they solved the issue (EUREKA!). Sugar! That’s what caused childhood obesity!
Everywhere you looked, another federal or non-governmental agency was warning about the dangers of sugar. Consequently, sugary foods are now restricted in many schools. And in some cities, like Berkley, Philadelphia, and San Francisco, sugary foods are even taxed.
So sugar is the culprit. Sugar is what’s making our kids fat. Thank God we know this now. Because some of us thought the problem was playing on smartphones for eight hours.
There are other official warnings to heed this holiday season.
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration urges you to reduce sodium intake to prevent hypertension, heart disease, stroke, and overall happiness. The FDA advises all Americans not to exceed one teaspoon of daily salt. Non-Americans, please feel free to consume as much sodium as you like.
Even worse than sodium, is eggnog. The CDC, FDA, and USDA specifically warn against the dangers of homemade eggnog. “Everyone—especially children, or pregnant people, and people with weakened immune systems—should avoid raw or undercooked eggs…”
Pregnant people.
It’s also a good idea to avoid poultry altogether since it contains salmonella, campylobacter, clostridium perfringens, and E. coli. Also, do not eat ham, it contains microscopic parasites. Do not eat beef, just because I say so.
Do not use string lights, which cause approximately 150 annual house fires. Do not use live Christmas trees, the National Fire Protection Association says trees were involved in upwards of 200 fires last year.
Do not shake hands or hug anyone this holiday season. Government agency experts recommend using safe alternatives, such as “elbow bumps, waves, tapping shoulders, or air-high-fives.” Because nothing says “I love you Grandma,” like an air high-five.
The World Health Organization (WHO) and Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) recommend minimizing close contact in workplaces, reminding people to wash hands, use hand sanitizer, and never EVER eat your own boogers. Eat someone else’s instead.
The Associated Press article also warns against burning candles indoors. Scented candles release volatile organic compounds, such as benzene, toluene, or formaldehyde. Long-term exposure causes respiratory harm, headaches, brain damage, and in extreme cases, sudden interest in politics.
Even though candles are calming, and in some cases part of various religions, they are not recommended.
“Nobody needs candles anymore,” one expert explains. “We have LEDs now.”
Above all, it’s important to note that it is not the desire of any federal or non-governmental safety association to ruin the holidays for people, including pregnant persons. Agencies just want you to remain safe this season. Even if it means giving up cherished traditions such as, for example, eating.
Remember, it is a safer alternative to stay locked indoors, avoid human contact, stare at your flame-retardant plastic tree, your holographic fireplace, and snuggle up to your HEPA filtration system.
In a similar article, one health expert even recommends avoiding the fireplace temptation by “covering your fireplace with fun decorations and quilts, because if it’s out of sight, it’s out of mind.”
The expert is absolutely right. Someone is definitely out of their mind.
Questions: SeanDietrich@gmail.com
Visit the Sean of the South Website
Find out where you can see Sean live.
Originally published on Sean’s website. Republished here with permission.
If you enjoyed this article, then please REPOST or SHARE with others; encourage them to follow AFNN. If you’d like to become a citizen contributor for AFNN, contact us at managingeditor@afnn.us Help keep us ad-free by donating here.
Substack: American Free News Network Substack
Truth Social: @AFNN_USA
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/afnnusa
Telegram: https://t.me/joinchat/2_-GAzcXmIRjODNh
Twitter: https://twitter.com/AfnnUsa
GETTR: https://gettr.com/user/AFNN_USA
CloutHub: @AFNN_USA