Phone Withdrawals
My first week owning a dumb phone has been, well, dumb. In fact, it’s been so uneventful, I’m not totally sure what to do with myself.
Sean Dietrich
Why I Stopped Writing And Started Listening
I’m sure some of you have noticed I haven’t been writing as much as I used to. I get lots of emails asking why this is. Many of these emails are ultra-friendly emails, beginning with the words, “WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!!!?”
To answer this, I need to start by telling you about our trip to Spain.
Dear You, Whoever You Are
You’re going through something right now. Something bad. Something truly, inexplicably, wholly, and everlastingly crappy.
I don’t know what it is. But it’s ugly. And it’s getting the best of you.
The Rainbow Bridge
A little boy walked into the little church, unannounced. It was a weekday. A country church. Clapboards. Tin roof. The kind of church that—until a few years ago—only had window-unit A/C.
Lessons From a Goldfish
I have no children. The closest I ever came to having a child was when my wife got me a goldfish for Christmas. His name was Gary.
My New “Dumbphone”
My phone finally arrives in the mail. It’s small. Ugly. It’s “dumb.” And it looks like it was invented during the Herbert Hoover administration.
Coosa County Sunsets: Morgan Visits the Lake
Morgan arrived at the little lake cabin around lunchtime. Her sorority sister Grace was driving the car. The car wheeled into the gravel driveway. When Morgan crawled out of the passenger seat, we all rushed her and embraced.
Shaking Your Butt
How did I get here? What career path led me to this moment? Why am I onstage, before several hundred, shaking my fundaments?
The William Penn Overture
I like Pennsylvania. They’re nice here. They say “yous” and “yinz” and “soda pop.” They have Appalachian manners, a steelman’s work ethic, and potholes big enough to swallow Peterbilts.
How to be a Real Columnist
Here is how the typical morning of a columnist goes. You sit down at the computer. And before you write, you begin by asking yourself the age-old question, “Why should anyone care what I have to say?”
Amazing Grace
Morning. I am driving two-lane highways in the backcountry of Missouri. I have been sharing the highway with mostly rusty pickups and Massey Ferguson farm implements. Also deer.
Missouri. The place where the western prairie meets the southern cotton patches. It’s a foreign land to me.
You’d never know I was born in Missouri. You’d never guess my father died in Missouri.
The Optimist’s Guide to the Present: Pineapples Are Involved
The complainers speak in all caps sometimes.
“AMERICA IS FALLING APART,” they often say. “THINGS ARE WORSE NOW THAN EVER BEFORE.”
But just because something was typed in capital letters doesn’t make it true.
Questions From the Audience
Q: Sean!!! Are you going to write anything about how poorly Ingrid Andress sang our national anthem at the Home Run Derby? It’s an attack on our country!!! If you stay silent on this you are a complete wuss!!!!
A:
Ants In My Pants
“There’s a bug on my leg!” said Becca.
“There’s no bug on your leg,” I said confidently.
“Are you SURE?”
“Absotively,” I said.
The Morning Assault
Wake up. Start coffeemaker. Turn on TV. A panicky news journalist is saying America is doomed and only minutes away from exploding. And if not America, at least my house. Turn off TV.
The Good Ole Days
The news is in. Less than one third of Americans have ever written a physical letter in their lifetime.
Therefore, Consider the Turtle: He Knows Not What He Does
Jim was stuck. In the middle of the rural two-lane highway. Right there on the pavement. Not far from the solid yellow line. Tucked tightly in his shell. Scared to death.
Vehicles sped past little Jim, on both sides, shooting by with the deafening roars of F-16s.
Questions, Remarks, and You-Sucks
Sean Dietrich pithily responds to reader mail in a manner that only he can.
People Watching
I am sitting at my airline gate. I have been waiting here since the Peloponnesian Wars. I am people-watching because there is nothing else to do while I wait for my plane. The main person I am watching is a guy in the seating area. He is maybe mid-80s. With him are six children. He appears to be the sole adult in their company. There are no other grownups with him.
A Few Things I Love About America
Americans are arguing right now. And believe me, I get it. There is a lot going on. Everyone has differences of opinion.
But I wondered if we Americans couldn’t put aside our disagreements for a moment, and agree on a few things we love.