The Good News
It was late. I was leaving South Carolina, where I’d just made a speech in Columbia. I had an all-night drive ahead of me.
Sean Dietrich
Getting Funcky in Pennsylvania: Dog Spit and Deep Thoughts
We sped through Amish country on our way to meet our friend Kris at a restaurant called “Funck’s.” My wife, Jamie, was convinced the name of this restaurant was an unfortunate typo.
Dear Heaven
Dear God,
It’s me again. Actually, I don’t know what you want me to call you. For all I know, you might prefer to be called something Hebrew, Latin, or maybe you don’t want to be called anything at all.
What a Day That Will Be
Last night, the young man found himself in an old hardware store. There were a bunch of old timers, sitting around drinking coffee. Lots of laughing. The irreverent kind of laughs you hear from old men.
Back to the Future
It seems like everyone is talking about AI. It’s on the news. It’s in every newspaper. “AI is taking over the world,” the media headlines declare. “AI replaces 12 million jobs.” “AI wins Miss America Pageant.” AI might be writing this right now. There’s no way to know.
Birmingham: My Home Sweet Home
It was an average weeknight in Birmingham when I stood atop the Vulcan statue. Snow on the ground. I was looking at the city below, standing beneath Vulcan’s massive butt cheeks.
Holding Doors in Manhattan And Other Bad Ideas
We arrived in New York City and tried our best to avoid the chaotic crowds of pedestrians downtown. But this proved to be difficult inasmuch as our cab driver was driving on the sidewalks. We tried to ask him to slow down, but he was too busy on a video call.
A Little Bird
I was on the way to the shed. Walking through the yard. I saw something in the grass. It was fluttering in the weeds. I could see its wings.
Smart Phone, Dumb Author
I bought a flip phone. One without a camera or a touchscreen. Without AI, facial recognition, video chatting, GPS, or the ability to flush my toilet from the other room. It’s a “stupid” phone. A device with the same level of intelligence as a member of Congress.
A Case for Winged Creatures
Angels aren’t real. They can’t be. It just doesn’t make sense. How can a rational human with a working brain believe in invisible celestial creatures who all resemble Michael Landon?
About Us: The rigors of church marriage class
Before we got married, my wife and I had to take a mandatory church marriage class. The Baptist church would not marry anyone without this rigorous class because the church ran the real risk that unschooled young couples were engaging in premarital relations, which could lead to dancing.
Mysterious Ways: She is old, and she’s got a lot to say
I SAT IN THE OLD WOMAN’S living room. It was a gaudy block home. The walls were outdated pastel colors, á la 1986. She was smoking menthols.
She knows she shouldn’t smoke, her daughter wants her to quit. Eventually, the old woman says she will.
“Quitting smoking ain’t hard,” she said. “I’ve done it hundreds of times.”
Dear Sean
I’ll call her Rebecca. She’s from Washington D.C. Her email started off like this:
“Dear Sean, I don’t know what to do, my mother just died of brain cancer… I am only 18 years old, and she was all I have left…
“She read your Facebook posts, and I am hurting… I know you can’t help me, but I don’t know who else to tell.”
Scents and Sensibility: A Bloodhound’s Guide to the Universe
I used to write about her all the time. She was just so easy to write about.
From the first moment I met Thelma Lou, when she was an itty-bitty puppy, I knew I had found a literary muse. Then, she bit my ear with her puppy teeth. Crimson blood poured down my cheek. I held the puppy in the air and announced, “This is the one.”
Recess on the Road: A Pardon from Adulthood
I am in the backseat of our van, sitting in a tiny, hollowed-out cavern of stuff.
We are traveling to Tennessee and Kentucky this weekend where I will be performing my one-man shipwreck at theaters where, if I’m lucky, I’ll get a standing ovation like a few nights ago. Although to be fair, the ovation was moving toward the exits. Also, they weren’t clapping.
In Defense of Florida: A Florida man defends his home state
I received a seething email from a man in Baltimore, Maryland. He apparently has a political bone to pick with the state of Florida, and he read that Florida is where I’m from.
Birmingham at Breakfast: One morning in Magic City
A little breakfast joint. Birmingham, Alabama. The birth pangs of summer are in the air. Alabama feels like a Monet. Trees are pregnant with blossoms. Birds are everywhere.
On my way into the restaurant, I see a man seated on the sidewalk, weeping. A young woman sits beside him, rubbing his shoulders. I’m wondering what’s wrong. I’m probably staring, even. Which isn’t polite, but I can’t help it.
The Time I Made a Graduation Speech
It’s weird. Standing on this stage. In this arena. I’m looking at a thousand faces. Many of them are about to be college graduates. And they’re all looking back at me so hopefully, so full of wonder, so wide-eyed and eager, as if to say, “I hope this idiot’s speech isn’t too long.”
Meet Your Local Librarian
The New York Times recently published an article stating that librarians are facing a “crisis of violence and abuse.” So I just thought you’d like to meet your local librarian.
Chasing Imperfection in a Wax Covered World: The Prettiest Things Are Ugly.
The bag of vegetables magically appeared on our front porch along with beer. I looked around for angels and wisemen.
Then I turned to my wife, saying, “Ray, is this heaven?”
She looked at me flatly. “Who’s Ray?”
You have to worry about this woman.