ITEM 1: Cuban dictator Díaz-Canel told his nation Friday morning, Yanquis go home!
Just kidding. He said he’ll finally negotiate with Marco Rubio and company.
Díaz-Canel saw what happened to Maduro. Díaz-Canel saw what happened to Khamenei. Díaz-Canel saw what happened to his oil supply. Díaz-Canel said no mas.
You cannot be a feared dictator if you have no gasoline for your armored Mercedes-Benz SUV.
ITEM 2: CBS-12 reported, “Governor candidate says every Waffle House in Florida banned his campaign.”
Bad omen for him because Floridians only know it is safe to return after a hurricane once the Waffle Houses re-open.
ITEM 3: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: “Elon Musk is not a scientist, he’s not an engineer, he’s a billionaire conman with a lot of money”
Elon Musk: “Point of correction. It’s Trillionaire now, starts with a T not a B.”
She’s just mad because he still won’t date her.
ITEM 4: Vox reported, “Bugs were supposed to be the future of food. Now, the insect farming industry is collapsing.”
What were they thinking? No one wants to eat Bugs. He’s a beloved cartoon rabbit.
ITEM 5: The New York Times reported, “Chaos on Mamdani’s Doorstep: ‘We’ve Never Had Anything Like This Here.’”
Two of Mamdani’s Muslim men tossed an IED at pro-Iranian supporters. The attack will be the first in a series of attacks on Manhattistan.
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Police Chief Aaron Edwards jumped into action, chased the terrorist down and captured him.
ITEM 6: A member of ISIS shot and killed Lieutenant Colonel Brandon Shah while he was training ROTC cadets at Old Dominion.
FBI Special Agent in Charge Dominique Evans told reporters, “There were students that were in that room that subdued him, and rendered him no longer alive. I don’t know how else to say it.”
This is your FBI on Trump.
ITEM 7: Flashback to the waning days of Biden’s presidency when another ISIS member drove a truck into a New Year’s Parade on Bourbon Street.
FBI Assistant Special Agent in Charge Alethea Duncan said, “This is not a terrorist event.”
That was your FBI on Biden.
Any questions?
ITEM 8: State Department Official: Biden Administration Spent Money to “Make Maps More Gay.”
Trump “straitened” that out.
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ITEM 9: Josh Rogan, Washington Post’s expert on intelligence, tweeted with video, “China is the big winner of the Iran war.”
X tagged a community note on the video: “The video is misleading. The footage shows the Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport, in the U.S.A.”
Oh no! Red China has taken over Atlanta. Run for your lives!
ITEM 10: CBS reporters visited “ground zero” for hospice fraud: Los Angeles, California. One building had 89 registered hospices.”
The cable news spin: Trump forces 89 hospices to squeeze into one building.
ITEM 11: American Nathan Martin wins the closest Los Angeles Marathon in race history, beating Kenya’s Michael Kimani Kamau by just 00.01 seconds.
Police Chief Aaron Edwards was otherwise engaged.
ITEM 12: James Carville said, “I’ve got TDS. I hate the guy—and you know what? I don’t want to get rid of it. I don’t want to get better. I want it to get worse.”
Poor Agin’ Cajun. There are not enough meds in the world for him.
ITEM 13: The Bank of England plans to replace historical figures including wartime Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill on banknotes with pictures of animals.
Of course they will replace the hero who led Britain through its Finest Hour with a squirrel because England is roadkill now.
ITEM 14: Realtor reported, “Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz Quits Seattle and Moves to Florida—After ‘Spending $44 Million’ on Miami Penthouse.”
I remember when a Penthouse cost only 75 cents.
ITEM 15: ABC tweeted, “Antarctica has lost enough ice over the last 30 years to cover the City of Los Angeles area 10 times over, according to new research.”
Antarctica is 11,000 times larger than LA. It is covered by ice that averages 2 miles in thickness—or the height of seven Empire State Buildings. King Kong better put on a warm jacket and gloves before climbing all those Empire State buildings.
ITEM 16: Homarus “Homer” Gammarus served the military this week.
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A Pentagon source said, “He was delicious.”
ITEM 17: Judge Lawrence VanDyke dissented in a 9th Circuit decision to force a women’s only spa to accept men-posing-as-women. He wrote:
This is a case about swinging dicks. The Christian owners of Olympus Spa— a traditional Korean, women-only, nude spa—understandably don’t want them in their spa. Their female employees and female clients don’t want them in their spa either. But Washington State insists on them. And now so does the Ninth Circuit.
You may think that swinging dicks shouldn’t appear in a judicial opinion. You’re not wrong. But as much as you might understandably be shocked and displeased to merely encounter that phrase in this opinion, I hope we all can agree that it is far more jarring for the unsuspecting and exposed women at Olympus Spa—some as young as thirteen—to be visually assaulted by the real thing. Sometimes, it feels like the supposed adults in the room have collectively lost their minds. Woke regulators and complicit judges seem entirely willing, even eager, to ignore the consequences that their Frankenstein social experiments impose on real women and young girls.
The Swinging Dicks were the opening act for the Drill Sergeants at the Leesville Amphitheater in 1973.
ITEM 18: Pakistani-American columnist Wajahat Ali warns that Pakistanis no longer wish to immigrate to the United States “thanks to Trump.”
Finally, someone in the media recognizes the brilliance of President Trump’s immigration policy.
ITEM 19: Deadline reported, “Kash Patel Confirms UFC Fighters Will Train FBI Agents This Week, Calling It An ‘Historic Opportunity.’”
Under Biden, FBI agents marched in the Patriot Front and blocked prosecuting its leader.
ITEM 20: Gateway Pundit reported, “Newly released financial filings reveal that there are a lot of people making an absolute fortune off the Obama Foundation.”
Valerie Jarrett gets $740,000 per year from the foundation. Not too shabby for a cross between the Muslim Brotherhood and Planet of the Apes.
Oops. ABC just canceled my show.
ITEM 21: Polls show the right-wing candidates are well ahead in the election for president of Colombia in May’s election. If that holds true, the new president will join José Antonio Kast of Chile and Laura Fernández of Costa Rica as super-duper right-wing presidents—elected since Trump euthanized US AID.
Make America Great Again applies to Latin America as well.
ITEM 22: Today’s pro-Iran headline comes from Israel: “IDF chief of staff briefed military leadership Iran war is expected to go on at least until April.”
The 60 days under the War Powers Act ends April 28. Israeli journalists are just as dumb as ours.
ITEM 23: Brit Hume tweeted, “Let’s see: US and Israeli warplanes range freely over Iran, having hit thousands of targets, and are hitting more every day. The Iranian leadership has been taken out. Its new leader cannot or will not show his face. Its air defenses have been ineffective, destroyed or both. Its navy is largely gone. So It has now effectively blocked ship traffic through the Strait of Hormuz, a waterway vital to its own economy. U.S. media would have you believe Iran has turned the tide in the war because blocking the strait never occurred to US war planners. You can choose to believe this. I don’t.”
I apologize to Israeli journalists profusely. They need to eat a bucket of lead chips to be as dumb as ours.
ITEM 24: Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman General Dan Caine told reporters, “Today, I’m going to talk about our incredible artillery force comprised of American soldiers and Marines who have been sinking ships, destroying depots, and launching Army tactical missiles. [SKIP TO THE GOOD PART] They’ve used Army ATACMS to sink multiple ships, including a submarine.”
Join the Army. Sink a sub.
ITEM 25: NBC reported, “Congressional Republicans have increasingly expressed anti-Muslim sentiment in the wake of the Iran war, with several far-right lawmakers posting Islamophobic statements on social media this week, following recent violent attacks on U.S. soil.”
You should have heard what they called the Germans and Japanese in World War II.
ITEM 26: Axios reported, “U.S. sending USS Tripoli, thousands of Marines to Middle East.”
Did the ship sail from the Halls of Montezuma?
ITEM 27: Fox reported, “Boasberg blocks subpoenas against Fed Chair Jerome Powell.”
The judge is the best criminal defender in town.
ITEM 28: President Trump tweeted, “Moments ago, at my direction, the United States Central Command executed one of the most powerful bombing raids in the History of the Middle East, and totally obliterated every MILITARY target in Iran’s crown jewel, Kharg Island. Iran has NO ability to defend anything that we want to attack. There is nothing they can do about it!”
Well, they could sue and hope to land Judge Boasberg,
ITEM 29: Andy Ngo reported, “All Members of Texas Antifa Cell Convicted in First Federal Terrorism Trial.
“Nine defendants accused of a July 4, 2025, ambush on a Texas ICE facility faced charges including providing support to terrorists and attempted murder of federal officers.”
Two of the nine are trannies. But they are mostly peaceful perverts.
ITEM 30: Bin Xie tweeted with video, “China started removing its 700 million surveillance cameras nationwide. The reason? Iranian government has been using Chinese-made surveillance cameras for years and the Israeli intelligence hacked into all of them, which resulted in the death of Khamenei. What Iranians have been using are the same as what Chinese have been using—all made by Hikvision and Dahua of China.
“Xi Jinping doesn’t want to end up like Khamenei.”
I guess I don’t have to tell him what’s in the pagers.
FINALLY, a Twitter account that tracks tankers posted facts about Kharg Island.
In 1976—the last full year under the shah—Iran produced 6.6 million barrels of oil a day.
Under the ayatollahs, it produced 1.6 Mbpd last year. The Iran-Iraq War damaged its infrastructure and capacity but one can see why investors may be rooting for Trump to take over and Make Iran Produce Again.
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This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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