The media continues to provide unintended commentary on the status of Western civilization. In the course of its so-called reporting of the news, we find plenty to laugh about or groan over. Don Surber guides us through this week’s choicest examples.
ITEM 1: Let’s start the weekend with Good News. The Hill reported:
Former Vice President Kamala Harris is increasingly behaving like a candidate in waiting for the 2028 presidential election.
I can hear her cackling from Poca.
ITEM 2: Now that the crew has safely returned, I can confirm that in an attempt to unclog the Artemis II toilet, NASA almost sent Cousin Eddie to drain it.
Nobody on board is telling who is responsible but they know who the clogger was. Someone suggest opening the Windows but they were saved by Microsoft’s incompetence.
ITEM 3: BBowden tweeted, “NASA Called the Time of Splashdown to the exact second after a 495,000 mile trip around the Moon.”
The agency is running like a business: On time, under budget.
ITEM 4: CTV reported, “Toronto moving ahead with plan to ban jet skis, boats from some waterfront areas.”
Heaven help us if anyone in Toronto has fun.
ITEM 5: Keir Starmer said, “Our Armed Forces are among the best in the world.”
They’re not even the best in England.
ITEM 6: The Telegraph reported, “Sailors who track Russian warships to go on strike. Royal Fleet Auxiliary staff, the civilian support wing of Royal Navy, plan walkout in long-running dispute over pay.”
In our country, a military strike is when the missile hits a target.
ITEM 7: On Thursday, Pope Leo held an audience with David Axelrod, who is Jewish.
Maybe the pope wants the Democrat nomination for president.
ITEM 8: On Tuesday morning, Trump tweeted, “A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again. I don’t want that to happen, but it probably will. However, now that we have Complete and Total Regime Change, where different, smarter, and less radicalized minds prevail, maybe something revolutionarily wonderful can happen, WHO KNOWS? We will find out tonight, one of the most important moments in the long and complex history of the World. 47 years of extortion, corruption, and death, will finally end. God Bless the Great People of Iran!”
Democrats denounced him. Then when he agreed to a ceasefire, Democrats denounced him again for not wiping out Iran’s civilization.
ITEM 9: The United Football League announced on Thursday that it will launch an expansion team in Oklahoma City. Joe Castiglione Jr. tweeted:
My top names for Oklahoma City’s UFL mascot:
– Bison (State Animal)
– Bombers (S/O Tinker)
– Lightning (Should be obvious)
– Outlaws (Feels like 1984)
– Yard Dawgz (Remember them?)
Bombers? Really? Tim McVeigh could not be reached for comment.
ITEM 10: Breitbart reported, “A Biden-appointed federal judge blocked the Trump administration from ending temporary amnesty for thousands of Ethiopian nationals in the U.S. since 2022.”
Only in Washington does the word temporary mean permanent.
ITEM 11: Delaware’s General Assembly designated January as Muslim Heritage Month.
Let’s look at the calendar of Muslim accomplishments in the month of January in the 21st century alone.
- January 1, 2001: Hamas set off a car bomb in Israel that wounded over 50 people.
- January 4, 2015: Hezbollah detonated a large explosive device against an Israeli armored convoy near the Lebanon border.
- January 8, 2001: Hamas claimed another bombing in Israel that injured 24 people
- January 9, 2005: Hezbollah detonated an explosive device against an IDF patrol, killing one Israeli soldier and a UN officer.
- Also on January 9, 2002: Hamas carried out a gunfire and explosives attack at Kerem Shalom, killing 4 and wounding 2.
- January 13, 2005: Hamas (with Fatah’s Al-Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigades and Popular Resistance Committees) attacked the Karni border crossing, killing 6 Israeli civilians and wounding 5.
- January 14, 2004: Joint Hamas and Al-Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigade suicide bombing at the Erez Crossing in Gaza, killing 4 and wounding 10.
- January 19, 2004: Hezbollah fired an anti-tank missile at an IDF patrol, killing one Israeli soldier and wounding another.
- January 23, 2001: Hamas gunmen kidnapped and shot two Israelis in Tulkarem.
- January 28, 2015: Hezbollah attacked an Israeli military convoy along the Shebaa Farms border area, killing two soldiers and wounding seven.
- January 29, 2004: Joint Hamas and Al-Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigade suicide bombing on a bus in Jerusalem’s Gaza Street/Rehavia area, killing 11 and wounding over 50.
Every day is Jihad Day, isn’t it?
ITEM 12: Blake Neff tweeted, “Embarrassingly, I can explain the entire MMIWG2SLGBTQQIA+ acronym without looking it up, as I showed on today’s show.”
MMIWG2SLGBTQQIA+ is a Canadianism that means (takes deep breath) Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women, Girls, and Two-Spirit people, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual people and others.
Say it backward and you are sentenced to the fifth dimension for 90 days. Hope you know the words to The Age of Aquarius.
ITEM 13: Morad Vaisi, a Senior Analyst at Iran International, reported, “52 senior Iranian officials and commanders killed in US and Israeli attacks.”
52 dead. Zero funerals or there would be more dead.
ITEM 14: Newsweek reported, “The arrest of four British nationals accused of crossing into America illegally through remote woods has sparked alarm online.”
The Brits were John Smythe, Nigel Remington, Lipton Tarleton, and Chapman Wellington.
Just kidding. They were Ali Mohammed Ali Abdullah, Hameed Mohammed Nagi, Ibrahim Ayyub Khan, and Mohammed Sultan Saleh.
ITEM 15: Breitbart reported, “AG Todd Blanche Authorizes Death Penalty Against MS-13 Gang Members Accused of Killing FBI Informant.”
Prosecutors should seek the execution in every first-degree murder case. Full employment for hangmen.
ITEM 16: National Review reported, “Illegal Immigrant Found Guilty of Assault After Groping Female Peers in Fairfax County School.”
He’s 18. In Virginia, as an illegal alien, he has the right to be in high school groping girls for another 4 years.
ITEM 17: Elon Musk tweeted, “If you use a gun emoji on X, Apple forces it to be a squirt gun. Then the X app turns it back into a 1911. Yes, you can actually have a 1911. We reverted Apple’s change inside the app.”
And if you hit the penguin emoji, you will get Danny DeVito.
ITEM 18: Axios reported, “Raskin demands Trump cognitive test in 25th Amendment push.”
Sure. Right after the 119 senators and congressmen 70 or older submit theirs.
ITEM 19: Trending Politics reported, “Sen. Mike Lee says the Senate is going right back at the SAVE America Act next week and he’s urging conservatives to keep the pressure on.”
Judge Boasberg awaits passage with his gavel.
ITEM 20: CBS reported, “2 more pharmaceutical companies, Abbvie and Genentech, to officially launch on TrumpRx.”
Good news. Right now Xarelto, a blood thinner (anti-coagulate), costs as much as cocaine. (I Grokked it.)
ITEM 21: Trending Politics reported, “The Supreme Court on Thursday rejected an emergency appeal from Samuel Ronan, blocking the onetime Democratic National Committee chair candidate from running in Ohio’s Republican congressional primary after state officials booted him from the ballot for allegedly masquerading as a GOP candidate.”
Hey, just because Democrats allow communists to run in their primaries does not mean Republicans must accept Democrats in theirs.
ITEM 22: The Daily Mail reported:
A California lawmaker who supports youth access to gender-affirming care was confronted by a young gay man who testified that puberty blockers and hormone therapy negatively affected his physical development.
State Senator Scott Wiener heard from 23-year-old Jonni Skinner, who said the treatments Wiener backs have left him unable to achieve orgasms.
“When I was young, I was a feminine child, and I discovered trans influencers online. They said change your body and your life gets better. Don’t and it gets worse,” Skinner said during a state Senate hearing on Tuesday.
“Or, as my doctors told my mom, I would commit suicide,” he continued. “The medical and mental health providers didn’t bother to ask why I felt the way I did. They poisoned my body with blockers and hormones, arresting my puberty and messing with my development. The result is I’m a 23-year-old gay man who’s never had an orgasm and may never experience one.”
He started puberty blockers and estrogen (cross-sex hormones) at age 13.
You cannot drive a car, buy a beer, buy smokes, get a tattoo, sign legal contracts, consent to sex, buy porn or marry at 13.
But California will let you become a sexless eunuch at 13.
ITEM 23: Good News reported, “Teen Girl Battles Jellyfish to Complete 27-mile Swim—May Soon Be Youngest to Finish the Top 7 Ocean Challenges.”
They should have put that jellyfish battle on Pay Per View.
ITEM 24: The Express reported, “Hunter Biden has quietly bolted from the US and claims he is $17 million in debt.”
Trumpenfreude never tasted as good.
ITEM 25: Politico reported, “Swalwell campaign imploding after new sexual assault allegation.”
Democrats are running their best for governor of California. One bang-banged Fang Fang. The other poured scalding water on her husband.
ITEM 26: Adam Schiff and the California Teachers Association withdrew their endorsements.
Anyone calling for his resignation from Congress or is this just a ruse to thin the Democrat herd to avoid two Republicans squaring off in the runoff?
ITEM 27: Keir Starmer.
The British Mike Dukakis.
ITEM 28: CBS Colorado tweeted, “Hundreds of Colorado business leaders call for action as nearly 100 companies leave the state.”
Looks like nearly 100 companies took action.
ITEM 29: CNBC host Joe Kernen interviewed Biden’s gay guy.
BUTTIGIEG: Joe, Joe, America is weaker, because the president launched this war.
KERNEN: Well, that’s your opinion.
BUTTIGIEG: No, no, but it’s clear. And I’ll tell you why. Because when Trump. . .
KERNEN: We had the secretary of NATO say the world is a safer place, he just said that yesterday.
Never waste time arguing with a 2-year-old or a liberal.
ITEM 30: Breanna Morello tweeted, “Washington Post journalist Thomas Pham LeGro has pleaded GUILTY to possession of child pornography in DC.”
He was awarded a Pulitzer for smearing Judge Roy Moore as a pedophile because the judge dated a 16-year-old—which is the age of consent in Alabama.
LeGro liked to watch men rape pre-teens.
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This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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