Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We are sharing approximately every other story from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, and are now sampling Volume Three’s ninety chapters. In today’s episode, President Buckstop is asked about a recent earthquake in the small Caribbean nation of Haiti…
Haiti and Earthquakes and Soup Joumou
Dateline: August 14. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir. Are you there?”
“No! Not yet! Just a minute!”
“Beg your pardon, sir?”
“Just a minute!… let’s see… gotta get some more health… Hey, there’s a gem… Huh? Oh, Damn! Oh well…”
“Sorry, sir, I didn’t hear you… what was that, sir?”
“Nothing… Just a minute… let me shut off my computer…. Okay, come in. I was just, uh, finishing a call.”
“Well, then, good evening, sir. I have your soup, sir.”
“Oh, goody! What is it today?”
“It’s called Soup Joumou, sir.”
“What does that mean?”
“It’s a Haitian soup, sir. The cook said since Haiti was in the news, it was on her mind, sir. Kind of a beef vegetable, but with a Caribbean approach. Apparently, there’s squash in it, sir.”
“Good game.”
“Pardon?”
“Good game. Squash. When I was in college, some of the rich folks played it. Not me. I was middle class, you know. Middle Class Joe, they called me. Or Lunch Bucket Joe. I played ball. But I remember the rich kids going off to play squash. With all that gear. Those weird scoop thing… Rich… But I showed them, huh? Got a better mansion now than their daddies had! And not just one, either! Hah!”
“I’m sorry, sir, you lost me. I wasn’t, umm, I wasn’t talking about the game of squash, sir.”
“You weren’t?”
“No, sir. Just said that there’s squash in the soup, sir. The vegetable, sir.”
“Oh.”
“So anyway, sir, here you are… soup, crackers, napkins, and those children’s soup spoons you always use, sir.”
“Mmm… smells good.”
“Interesting that she’d choose a Haitian soup, sir. It’s been in the news a couple times, lately, sir, hasn’t it?”
“Guess so. Mmm… I like these crackers. Don’t even need the soup; i could just fill up on these crackers!”
“First there was that political assassination a couple weeks ago, and now an earthquake this morning… Poor folks are really getting hammered, sir.”
“Guess so. Not bad soup. Tasty. Not my favorite, but, I could get used to this.”
“I suppose you’ve had briefings and stuff on the earthquake, sir?”
“I’m on vacation.”
“Well, yes, sir, but the world doesn’t stop for a vacation, sir.”
“Does for me. I’m on vacation.”
“Have you deputized people to handle the response, then, sir?”
“What response?”
“Well, I assume the US is going to help out, right, sir? Provide assistance, and so forth, sir?”
“I’m on vacation.”
“Yes, sir, but … it was a 7.2, sir!”
“What’s that?”
“7.2, sir! On the scale, sir! A pretty serious earthquake, sir!”
“Oh, California has earthquakes all the time, they don’t even notice. Bunch of wimps.”
“California tremors aren’t the same as an earthquake that knocks buildings down, sir!”
“Whatever. I’m eating my soup now.”
“You do know that the epicenter was really close to Port au Prince, right? It’s not like it was remote, way out in the ocean, sir. This hit right near Port au Prince this time, sir.”
“I hate those damned things anyway.”
“Pardon, sir? You mean earthquakes?”
“Port aw princes. Stupid things. Hate seeing lineups of those things at outdoor things. One of the reasons I hate outdoor events. Festivals. Fairs. Rallies. Concerts. Stupid things.”
“I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand…”
“Long lines of people, long lines of blue boxes. So embarrassing. I never use ’em myself. Disgusting.”
“I’m sorry, I haven’t the slightest…”
“Just another of the many reasons I’m glad I can stay in my basement all the time now. I have my own bathroom… none of those lines of filthy commoners traipsing in and out of it…”
“What on earth…”
“Damn port aw princes…”
“Sir… umm… are you talking about ‘port a potties’, sir?”
“You’re the one who brought it up! I’m just trying to eat my soup here. Leave me alone. to eat my soup.”
“Sir, I didn’t say… uhh… I was talking about the city of Port au Prince, sir. In Haiti, sir… where the earthquake hit this morning, sir!”
“They should build real bathrooms on that stupid island. I’ll bet a real building would’ve been safer. Can’t even imagine being in one of those stupid plastic boxes during an earthquake. Foreigners. Hmmph!”
“Sir, Port au Prince is a city, sir! One of Haiti’s main cities, sir. There were thousands injured, sir. And hundreds confirmed killed, sir.”
“What do they live in Haiti for anyway? Stupid place to live. Dirt poor… no work… hit by hurricanes… hit by earthquakes. They should get out and stop begging us for help.”
“Sir, I really don’t think many people go there on purpose; the people of Haiti were born there. It’s where their families are. You can’t blame them for being born in a dangerous place, sir.”
“Well, what did they go there for, in the first place, anyway, huh?”
“You mean, their ancestors, sir?”
“I guess. If they hadn’t gone there in the first place, there wouldn’t be all these problems.”
“Umm, sir, you do know, don’t you, that a good part of the population of Haiti is actually the descendants of slaves who were brought there from Africa, hundreds of years ago, sir. You know that, right? It’s not like we can blame them for being there, sir.”
“What did they want to go there for? Stupid destination. They were better off in Africa.”
“Well, sir, you know, the American colonies – I mean, the colonies that became the USA – were not a major destination for the people brought to the Americas from Africa as slaves, sir.”
“It wasn’t?”
“No, sir. The vast majority were brought to South America and the Caribbean, sir. To work on things like sugar cane plantations, sir. They didn’t go intentionally, sir. They were usually slaves already, in Africa, and their African kings and muslim slave traders sold them to western traders, who brought them to the Americas, sir.”
“Oh.”
“So you can’t blame their descendants for being born there, and you can’t blame the ancestors for choosing it as a destinations, sir. They didn’t go to Haiti (or anywhere else), of their own free will, sir!”
“Oh. Hmm…”
“So anyway, sir… not to meddle or anything, but I’m just wondering… will the USA be sending aid, like food and medical supplies and stuff like that, sir?”
“I don’t know. I’ll look into it when I get back from vacation.”
“Did you appoint someone from the administration to run point on this right away, until you get back?”
“I’m on vacation.”
“Yes sir, but all it would take would be to appoint somebody. You could appoint someone from your cabinet to organize things, you know, while you’re on vacation, sir.”
“Let other countries do it. Why don’t other countries ever pitch in?”
“Funny thing about that, sir, is that when some of us on the other side ask that question, people always shut us up, sir.”
“Oh, shut up.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“Well, why can’t other countries help out for once? I’m on vacation!”
“Well, actually, sir, a lot of other countries are helping, of course… but since we’re the biggest and most important country in the region, I should think the world is assuming we’re doing something too, sir.”
“And maybe we are. I don’t know. It’s not like people have to wait to hear it from me. Let’em do what they do. I’m on vacation.”
“Yes sir. I just figured, in your role, sir, you’d want to speak for the country, and at least get the ball rolling from that perspective, especially since the administration’s response to that big one in 2010 went so wrong, sir. You know, during the Obama administration, sir.”
“Hillary took care of that. It didn’t go wrong. It was a big success. Raised a lot of money.”
“Well, yes, sir, but the money they raised didn’t actually get to the people of Haiti, sir. So it wasn’t really successful, sir.”
“Did they raise money?”
“Well, yes, sir, but…”
“Then it was a success.”
“Only for the Clintons, sir!”
“Good for them. Wish I could figure out how to do that sort of thing. Man, they’re geniuses…”
“Sir!”
“Huh?”
“Well, it’s just… umm… maybe… maybe you’ve appointed somebody already and i just didn’t hear. Are you pulling my leg about all this, sir? Did you have somebody appointed to manage the administration response, sir, and you’re just kidding with me, sir?”
“Mmm… I heard what’s-her-name speaking for us. She’s said she’d make sure something’s done, while I’m on vacation…”
“You mean you’re leaving it for Ms Harris to handle, sir?”
“Mmm… This soup is growing on me. I’m beginning to like it. Could use more crackers though.”
“Sir, you appointed her to be in charge of the border, and she never even went to visit it, let alone do anything about it, sir!”
“So?”
“So, if you’re appointing someone to help the Haitians, maybe it ought to be someone who’ll actually do something for them, sir?”
“Listen, kid… umm… what’s your name again?”
“Russell, sir. Russell Rhoades, sir.”
“Yeah. Right. I’ll never remember that.”
“I’m sorry, sir, but…”
“Get me some more soup. Oh, and more crackers… Umm… and a couple more spoons… maybe a stack of napkins. I’m clumsy tonight.”
“Yes sir.. I’ll do that, sir. But just a question about Haiti…”
“I’m on vacation!”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F. Di Leo
Excerpted from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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