Immigration activists have gone too far with their warnings.
ITEM 1: NBC tweeted, “Gabbard’s unprecedented claim: A president led a ‘treasonous conspiracy.’ ”
How soon they forgot J6.
ITEM 2: Breitbart tweeted, “Rep. Jim Himes (D-CT) says someone will DIE because President Donald Trump accused Barack Obama of treason.”
Well, execution is one of the penalties for treason so I cannot say he is wrong.
ITEM 3: The Oversight Committee tweeted, “ICE just arrested 243 illegal aliens in Denver, Colorado.
“Among them: murderers, child rapists, human traffickers, drug dealers, thieves, and Tren de Aragua members.”
Mayor Hedley Lamarr denied recruiting these rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.
ITEM 4: Florida’s Attorney General James Uthmeier tweeted, “We recently got a tip from someone whose abusive ex overstayed a tourism visa. He is now cued up for deportation.
“If your ex is in this country illegally, please feel free to reach out to our office. We’d be happy to assist.”
Does this apply to mothers-in-law?
ITEM 5: Tesla opened a diner in LA where you can have dinner and a movie while you wait for your car to recharge. You wait and wait and wait.
At Tesla Diner, you’re the waiter.
ITEM 6: Jon Dougherty reported, “A newly declassified intelligence report claims Russia allegedly obtained information suggesting former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was taking heavy tranquilizers, a revelation that former President Barack Obama and top Democratic leaders reportedly found extraordinarily alarming.”
And we all thought it was the Chardonnay.
ITEM 7: CNBC reported, “Hunter Biden blames Ambien for President Biden’s terrible Trump debate.”
He took sleeping pills before the debate, which is what happens when your doctor is only an EdD.
ITEM 8: The New York Post reported, “President Trump signed an executive order Thursday calling on states and cities to end ‘endemic vagrancy’—and rehouse homeless people including drug addicts and those suffering from mental problems in treatment centers.”
This just isn’t Hunter Biden’s week, is it?
ITEM 9: NBC reported, “French President Macron and his wife file a defamation lawsuit in the U.S. against right-wing influencer Candace Owens, centered on her claim that France’s first lady is male.”
We won’t need the Scooby-Doo gang to solve this mystery. Just have Brigitte Macron drop her drawers.
Or better yet, have one of her three kids testify.
ITEM 10: Fox reported, “Trump secures $221 million Columbia University settlement over alleged civil rights violations.”
Sadly, the agreement did not include revoking Obama’s degree.
ITEM 11: Greg Price tweeted, “Joy Behar just announced that The View is going on hiatus.”
To be replaced by a new soap opera, As The Worm Turns.
ITEM 12: Trump said OK, we’ll ask the judge to unseal the Epstein records.
Benny Johnson tweeted, “A federal judge has rejected the Justice Department’s request to unseal grand jury transcripts tied to Jeffrey Epstein.”
Gee. Who could have seen that coming?
I mean besides Stevie Wonder.
ITEM 13: The New York Post reported, “The U.S. Olympic and Paralympic Committee is falling in line with an executive order from President Donald Trump banning transgender women from women’s sports.”
No more men beating up women in boxing.
ITEM 14: From Pat Boone, “I am stunned. I can’t believe that my former next-door neighbor and good friend has passed suddenly. When he and Sharon and the kids lived next-door to me for a couple of years, we weren’t rock stars comparing careers—we were just friends and neighbors getting along just fine. I was amazed when Sharon picked my version of Ozzy’s Crazy Train as the opening theme of their hugely successful reality TV show. Others may celebrate his incredible rocking style and hard rock music—but I’ll always remember his warm friendliness as my next-door neighbor. God bless you, Ozzy.”
Asked when he last saw Ozzy, Boone replied, “April, love.”
ITEM 15: Angel Reese No. 5 (in blue with pink shoes) is the most entertaining player in basketball.
That was in just one game.
ITEM 16: Ward Clark reported, “CNN recently trotted out a Dr. Chris Pernell, a left-wing activist who hasn’t practiced medicine since her residency, to remote-diagnose President Trump’s chronic venous insufficiency. It should come as no surprise that she immediately started crying the president’s doom.”
Oh, put a sock in it, lady. A compression sock.
ITEM 17: The New York Post reported, “A Department of Justice staffer claims she was abruptly fired after it emerged that her husband was the brains behind a controversial anti-ICE app that warns users when the feds are closing in.”
Fired? I want them arrested.
ITEM 18: Deborah Birx, the female Fauci, claimed deaths WITH covid were higher in rural America because “They used ivermectin because there wasn’t a doctor there—there was only a vet.”
False because I asked my doctor here in Poca, WV, if he is a horse doctor and he said, “Neigh.”
ITEM 19: Breitbart reported, “California’s $20 Fast Food Minimum Wage Led to 18,000 Fewer Jobs.”
Even at $20 an hour McD’s employees can no longer afford to eat there. (In Andy Rooney voice) I wonder why that is.
ITEM 20: Senator John L. Kennedy said, “Most Americans don’t think about race as much as people in Washington, D.C., do. They understand that souls don’t have a color—and that, to a bear, all of us taste like chicken.”
This is why I never carry Stove Top Stuffing for Chicken in my backpack when I am out in the woods.
ITEM 21: NBC tweeted, “Paramount announced Wednesday that the creators of South Park had agreed to produce 50 new episodes over the next five years. Hours later, South Park excoriated Paramount in the premiere episode of its 27th season.”
Cartman said, “The president of the United States canceled NPR, the funniest show ever where all the lesbians and Jews complain about stuff.”
Hit both sides, you get a $1.5 billion contract. Attack only Trump, you lose $40 million a season.
ITEM 22: NYT reported, “Donations to NPR and PBS Stations Surge After Funding Cuts.”
Whoa. Hey, with enough tote bags, we can get the National Debt paid off.
ITEM 23: Grok Surber, what’s a gentle way to announce that someone died?
Right Wing Dad tweeted, “I just hate that Hulk Hogan is gonna vote Democrat now.”
ITEM 24: Dick Sortor tweeted, “Lt. Col. Matthew Lohmeier, who Biden FIRED for exposing rampant DEI in the Pentagon, has just been confirmed by the Senate as Under Secretary of the Air Force.”
DEI—division, exclusion and inequality.
ITEM 25: Econo Times reported, “U.S. Appeals Court Overturns $5 Million Award Against Mike Lindell in Election Fraud Case.”
The appellate judges smothered the plaintiff’s case with a My Pillow.
ITEM 26: TPM reported, “Consul Warns Mexicans Must Take ‘Extreme Precautions’ in Florida as Alligator Alcatraz Leads to Diplomatic Tensions.”
Mexico should also warn them not to go to West Virginia because of Hillbilly Alcatraz. When you hear the banjos playing, vamoose.
ITEM 27: Trump and Fed Chairman Jay Powell visited the $3 billion renovation of three Federal Reserve buildings in DC.
Reporter: “As a real estate developer, what would you do with the project manager with the over budget?”
Trump: “I’d fire him.”
Powell started twitching like Hillary without her tranquilizers.
ITEM 28: Libs of TikTok tweeted, “U.S. Forces Kill Senior ISIS Leader, Dhiya’ Zawba Muslih al-Hardani, in Al Bab, Syria.”
As a reader said, the longer their name, the shorter their life.
ITEM 29: Reuters reported, “South Korea’s Kia Corp said on Friday that it suffered a hit of 786 billion won ($570 million) from U.S. tariffs in the April to June period.”
Wait a second. Jonah Goldberg assured me tariffs are a tax on consumers, not companies. And newspaper columnists know the economy way better than any mere billionaire.
ITEM 30: NYT whined, “Media Matters, a nonprofit group that has played a key role in liberal politics, is struggling to withstand months of legal assaults by President Trump’s allies, offering a glimpse of what might be in store for even well-funded targets of his retribution campaigns.
“The organization, which is funded by some of the Democratic Party’s biggest donors, has racked up about $15 million in legal fees over the past 20 months to defend itself against lawsuits by Elon Musk, in addition to investigations by Mr. Trump’s Federal Trade Commission and Republican state attorneys general.”
After calling for an advertising boycott of X, Media Matters now is fighting it in courts in the USA, Singapore, Ireland and Mars. Well, MM will be once Musk colonizes Mars.
ITEM 31: J.B. McCuskey is the attorney general of West Virginia. He wrote a column for the New York Post entitled, “Sorry, New York: West Virginia won’t clean up your climate mess.”
Welcome to Poca.
 |
It’s our coal and will mine if we want to, mine if we want to. You would mine too if it happened to you.
ITEM 32: Biz Pac Review reported, “A Chuck E. Cheese mascot in Florida was featured in a perp walk this week, after being handcuffed while still in costume.”
Old: Florida Man.
New: Florida Mouse.
Bond was set at 5,000 tickets.
ITEM 33: Gunther Eagleman tweeted with a video, “Gavin Newsom is inciting his extremist base to ‘fight fire with fire.’ ”
Didn’t they do that earlier this year in Palisades, Los Angeles?
ITEM 34: The Telegraph reported, “AOC broke ethics rules with ‘tax the rich’ Met Gala gown.”
It turns out the designer undercharged her by $2,700. The ethics committee ordered her to pay up or face a stern warning letter.
ITEM 35: Zero Hedge reported, “On Thursday, shares of American Eagle Outfitters saw a sudden and dramatic jump, rising as much as 12% during the trading session. The surprising driver of this rally wasn’t financial performance or a new product launch—it was actress Sydney Sweeney, or rather her two most prominent assets which were clearly highlighted [in new ads] over and over.”
As Benny Hill once said, you don’t get many of them per pound.
FINALLY, NASA tweeted, “Uranus is warmer than they we thought.”
You can guess the jokes online about this. We need to rename Uranus—and I don’t mean change it to Boaty McBoatyface.
This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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Re: Killary: “And we all thought it was the Chardonnay.”
A vintage comment, unlike the box wine allegedly being swilt ( olde English for swilled).