Dear Secretary Hegseth,
I am writing to formally file hunter harassment charges against the United States Air Force. This morning, while peacefully exercising my constitutional right to sit in a tree and freeze my ass off, I had a monster buck walking directly into my field. After my hours of patience, careful preparation, and absolutely flawless hunting strategy, some hotshot Air Force pilot decided my deer stand was apparently the perfect location to demonstrate American air superiority. One low-level flyby later, my buck was headed for the next county at approximately, Mach Jesus.
Mr. Secretary, as a retired Army Lieutenant Colonel, I consider this an unprovoked act of aggression against a law-abiding American hunter, a gross misuse of American airpower, and quite possibly an interservice rivalry incident requiring your immediate attention. I demand restitution. However, being a reasonable man and a firm believer in joint operations, I am willing to settle this matter without involving Congress, the Inspector General, or the International Criminal Court.
A two-hour ride in the offending aircraft, preferably involving full afterburner, several high-G maneuvers, and an opportunity to personally inspect the local deer population from 10,000 feet, would constitute sufficient compensation. I am even willing to waive all emotional damages if the pilot lets me touch something labeled WEAPONS.
Mr. Secretary, I trust you will handle this matter with the seriousness it deserves. The buck is gone, my hunt is ruined, and somewhere an Air Force pilot is probably getting a medal for successfully suppressing an Army ground target.
Thank you for your service. I look forward to resolving this unfortunate incident at Mach 2.
Respectfully,
LTC Dave Cloft, U.S. Army (Ret.)
Victim of Unprovoked Air Superiority
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LOL
Then you would have hated to have been a Turkish shepherd near Incirlik. Their flocks were right in the middle of our low level route to the bombing range. Subsonic shepherding…. That’s what someone told me in Zaragoza AB, Spain which was much more civilized.
I contacted a “friend” in the DoD. Here was his take. “As an Air Force representative, I can neither confirm nor deny that the pilot in question identified your buck as a high-value mobile tactical asset. However, under Joint Publication 3-09, low-altitude game management falls squarely within our secondary close-air-support mandates. Restitution in the form of a high-G flight is currently under administrative review, pending your completion of DD Form 1775-B: Application for Compensation Due to Loss of Venison to Jet Noise.” I tend to agree!
Just think, had that pilot made such an appearance at the Bay of Pigs in 1961, Havana would have been restored as the Playground of the Caribbean 65 years ago.