Recently, our Sunday School class touched on the “Dark Night of the Soul”. So, I shared what I wrote about my Dark Night. My night won’t be your night, but the Holy Spirit might use mine to speak to you. To serve you.
The Dark Night of the Soul is a poem and treatise written by Saint John of the Cross, a 16th century Spanish poet and mystic. “La noche oscura del alma” is about the difficult moments of doubt which may torment doubt a Christian believer. Increasingly popular, it’s less about spiritual crisis and more about personal agony. The expression, Dark Night of the Soul, captures the agony and crisis I had once – 33 years ago.
September 1993. I’m almost 43 years old. My Army career had crashed. Even though I got a powerful message about what I was supposed to do with my life – which is my most significant spiritual experience and a separate story, I grieved for what I loved doing. For what was so much of my being.
Life after Army was boring, unfulfilling, and tedious. I’d been reading the Bible daily for ten years. Even as I tried to do what was right as a Christian husband and father, all the family was mad at me, except the dog and my youngest child – still a precious, little girl. And I struggled with my sins.
The sin of pride stood out. Not the outward arrogance of the haughty look and upturned nose – so noted with disgust in the Bible. It was the inner pride of knowing what I could do and wanting the Lord God to provide supporting fires for my plan of attack – instead of submitting everything – EVERY THING in my life – to God.
There was more, but I need not paint every inch of canvas to make the picture plain.
My parents were already dead – and for years at that. Etc.
The Dark Night of the Soul was when despair and pain promised nothing but more of the same. No light of hope. Nothing.
The more I tried to trust and obey – and live righteously – the worse everything seemed to get. At work, at home, and with self. The answers to my most important prayer list were “No, no, no, and wait.”
After one Jerry Springeresque evening, I decided to drive to my cousin’s wedding alone in the middle of night. There was no point in not sleeping and just waiting for the sun. It’s September 1993. The days are gorgeously hot with bright blue skies. The evenings are cooling, but still warm. I’m driving through rural Virginia with the sun roof open, windows down and the smells of harvest time flowing through. I’m almost 43 years old and I’m screaming at God.
Screaming in anger and hurt. “What do You want?” “What am I supposed to do?” “Why?” “I’m following You and look what’s happening!” Etc. Crying in self-pity.
Then, thoughts came into my mind. No voice. But, words came clearly and I wasn’t thinking them. I pulled the car over. I wrote them down.
His Grace is Sufficient.
You can not see your way through, so that you will be broken and – obey and trust.
You can not see your way through, so that you can feel it and write it for others.
You must hate sin to not sin. Yearn to not disappoint and hurt God through sin. Seek a right relationship.
That was my Dark Night of the Soul. It may not seem like much to many folks, but for me it was the low point of a long descent into desperation. It was when I felt the anguish of David’s Psalms in my bones.
You are not alone. His Grace is Sufficient.
There will be a light in the morning. God makes all things new – every day.
There is hope. Hope is life. Life is hope.
Even if you are martyred in the next moment, succumb to the disease, lose the loved one, question your faith, or find yourself in the deepest, darkest night of despair – you will be okay. Better than okay. If you get a right relationship with one, only, true, living God – in Lord Jesus Christ, you’ll be great. No matter what. I promise.
Survive your dark night and live in the light.
God is good. All the time. No matter what. No MATTER WHAT.
Since then, there are been many challenges. Much tougher, even awful things happened, but these worse times didn’t put me in as dark a place as that night.
The mourning and grieving when my wife died two months later was different than despair, hopelessness, and the doubt of the Dark Night of the Soul.
There’s never been another Dark Night of the Soul, because when the Lord Jesus Christ spoke to me the first time, it made it the only time. And, I’m never alone. Ever. When I’m by myself, I’m not alone. He is with me always.
Because of my failings and weakness, it took me many years to learn, really and truly ,the fourfold lesson above. I finally learned by living through the truth and power of each lesson.
So I “write it for others.”
Read James Atticus Bowden at https://jatticus.wordpress.com/ and https://substack.com/@jamesatticusbowden and https://x.com/jatticusbowden
If you enjoyed this article, then please REPOST or SHARE with others; encourage them to follow AFNN. If you’d like to become a citizen contributor for AFNN, contact us at managingeditor@afnn.us Help keep us ad-free by donating here.
Substack: American Free News Network Substack
Truth Social: @AFNN_USA
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/afnnusa
Telegram: https://t.me/joinchat/2_-GAzcXmIRjODNh
Twitter: https://twitter.com/AfnnUsa
GETTR: https://gettr.com/user/AFNN_USA
CloutHub: @AFNN_USA