Dear Secretary Hegseth,
I am writing to formally file hunter harassment charges against the United States Air Force. This morning, while peacefully exercising my constitutional right to sit in a tree and freeze my ass off, I had a monster buck walking directly into my field. After my hours of patience, careful preparation, and absolutely flawless hunting strategy, some hotshot Air Force pilot decided my deer stand was apparently the perfect location to demonstrate American air superiority. One low-level flyby later, my buck was headed for the next county at approximately Mach Jesus.
Mr. Secretary, as a retired Army Lieutenant Colonel, I consider this an unprovoked act of aggression against a law-abiding American hunter, a gross misuse of American airpower, and quite possibly an interservice rivalry incident requiring your immediate attention. I demand restitution. However, being a reasonable man and a firm believer in joint operations, I am willing to settle this matter without involving Congress, the Inspector General, or the International Criminal Court.
A two-hour ride in the offending aircraft, preferably involving full afterburner, several high-G maneuvers, and an opportunity to personally inspect the local deer population from 10,000 feet, would constitute sufficient compensation. I am even willing to waive all emotional damages if the pilot lets me touch something labeled WEAPONS.
Mr. Secretary, I trust you will handle this matter with the seriousness it deserves. The buck is gone, my hunt is ruined, and somewhere an Air Force pilot is probably getting a medal for successfully suppressing an Army ground target.
Thank you for your service. I look forward to resolving this unfortunate incident at Mach 2.
Respectfully,
LTC Dave Cloft, U.S. Army (Ret.)
Victim of Unprovoked Air Superiority
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