Last week, in Part L, we called on the doo wop of the Del Satins to commemorate the dollywopping the daughter of Dick Cheney received from Wyoming republican primary voters. This week’s Parody as a Weapon, we leave behind a Del Satin and replace it with “Patton..
The point man for the existence of a “Deep State” conspiracy is Peter Strzok. The son of a field grade officer in the Army Corps of Engineers whose primary education was overseas, including in Tehran during the pre-Khomeini era, Strzok later attended Georgetown University in Washington, D.C. where he earned his bachelor’s and master’s degrees. Following military service as an intelligence officer, he joined the Federal Bureau of Investigation in 1996, and was among those at that agency and in the intelligence community who failed to connect the dots regarding the Al Qaeda attacks on the US on September 11, 2001.
Strzok instead appears to have been a hunter of Russians, (but appears to have been oblivious to a former Vice President’s son, Hunter and his dealings with Russians during his tenure) and by 2016 was the Deputy Assistant Director for the Counterintelligence Division and previously headed up counterespionage efforts there. He was in charge of investigating Hillary Clinton’s violation of the Espionage Act through her use of private unsecured e-mail service to transmit classified and sensitive information, and is identified as the person who changed the words “grossly negligent” to “extremely careless’ in the report of the investigation in order to shield his preferred presidential candidate from criminal liability. He has also been identified as the rogue who targeted the Trump campaign and Lt. General Michael Flynn as colluding with the Russian government in order to subject them to government surveillance and prosecution.
In addition to abusing his office in attempts to affect the outcome of elections, Strzok was also found to have been involved in an adulterous affair with an FBI colleague named Lisa Page, including during government hours and with government equipment. His political biases were clear from the thousands of text messages sent, and Strzok was later removed from the special counsel investigation that he arguably helped to fraudulently predicate, and was later fired from the FBI following his appearance at congressional hearings where his arrogance and duplicity was publicly displayed. He went on to author a book about his experiences and appears on a low rated cable network as a contributor.
Strzok recently got into a Twitter spat with Jonathan Turley, a George Washington University law school professor who contributes to a higher-rated cable news network who has also appeared before Congress, and offered academic insight that frequently supported positions put forward by advocates of President Trump and his administration. As is noted in the linked article above, Strzok characterized his abuse of office as actions in defense of Trump’s “assault on American democracy”, and invoked some of the closing lines of the iconic opening monologue of the 1970 Academy Award winning film “Patton”.
Given his sexual misconduct on the job as well as his abuse of office to attack his political enemies and provide cover to his political allies, Strzok seems to have more in common with the recently profiled Soviet secret police head Beria than the often mercurial military genius George Patton. For this week’s parody, we will examine the opening monologue as spoken by George C. Scott in his portrayal of the great general, and then put forth some suggestions for a more accurate speech from Strzok, as supported by his record of “service”.
The original lines:
Now I want you to remember that no b*stard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb b*stard die for his country.
Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of horse dung. Americans traditionally love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, big league ball players, the toughest boxers. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That’s why Americans have never lost, and will never lose a war… because the very thought of losing is hateful to Americans.
Now, an army is a team – it lives, eats, sleeps, fights as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious b*stards who wrote that stuff about individuality for the Saturday Evening Post don’t know anything more about real battle than they do about fornicating.
Now, we have the finest food and equipment, the best spirit, and the best men in the world. You know, I actually pity those poor Hun b*stards we’re going up against, by God, I do. We’re not just going to shoot the b*stards, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads on our tanks. We’re going to murder those lousy Hun b*stards by the bushel.
Now some of you boys I know are wondering if you’re going to chicken out…under fire. Don’t worry about it. I can assure you that you are all going to do your duty.
The Nazis are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill *their* blood. Shoot *them* in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what to do.
Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that “we are holding our position.” We’re not holding anything. Let the Hun do that. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy. We’re going to hold onto him by the nose and we’re going to kick him in the ass. We’re going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we’re going to go through him like crap through a goose!
Now, there’s one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home. And you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now, when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you, “What did you do in the great World War II,” you won’t have to say, “Well… I shoveled sh*t in Louisiana.”
Alright, now you sons of b*tches, you know how I feel. I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle anytime, anywhere.
The lines in bold at the end appear to be what the disgraced former military officer and bureaucrat is referring to on the deadly battlefield of Twitter. Given Strzok’s conduct on behalf of the democrat party and their support for aborting children, a reference to grandchildren might seem surprising to some. Nevertheless, a more comprehensive reference to this scene would show Strzok before a flag displayed upside down, offering these words to his assembled staff, which can be inserted before his manly Twitter quip:
Now I want you to remember that no b*stard ever served his country by dying for it. He served it by manipulating the investigative powers of the state to prevent whoever the other poor dumb b*stard elects to run his country.
All this stuff you’ve heard about America wanting to elect Donald Trump and wanting to stay out of endless wars is a lot of horse dung. Americans traditionally love political dynasties. All real Americans love being ruled by a permanent elite class of career politicians and bureaucrats, except for that brief period in history when our founding fathers revolted against them. When you were kids, you might have been taught to admired and respect the Constitution. Americans might love their Constitutional rights and might not tolerate having those rights violated, but they need to learn their limits. Americans want to win all the time, and that hurts the feelings of our allies and enemies alike. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a candidate who promises you’ll grow tired of winning. The very thought of such a candidate is hateful to me.
Now, a bureaucracy is an unelected team – it lives, eats, sleeps, fights as an unelected team. This individual candidate standing for election stuff is a bunch of crap. The smelly b*stards who live outside the D.C. beltway in places like southern Virginia and support that stuff about voting for a different candidate don’t know anything more about real democracy than they do about fornicating (and this is a topic which I know well, as least as far as the adulterous form is concerned).
Now, we have the finest surveillance equipment, the best paid informants, and the most biased journalists in the world. You know, I actually pity those poor Trump supporters we’re going up against, by Gaia, I do. We’re not just going to surveil the b*stards, we’re going to subpoena them before grand juries and special counsels and make them hire expensive attorneys by the bushel.
Now some of you agents and attorneys are worried if you’re going to spill the beans if you’re ever caught. I assure you if your role is ever revealed, we will get you book deals, fund your attorneys, and guarantee you probation if convicted.
Trump and his supporters are the enemy. Wade into them. Falsify affidavits. Alter documents and conceal facts. Leak false rumors to the media. When you see Trump put his hand on the Bible and take the oath of office, you’ll know what to do.
Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that “we are holding in our investigation.” We’re not holding anything. Let Trump and his people do that. We are leaking constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except our determination to serve as an insurance policy that if elected, Trump will be unable to enact his agenda. We’re going to create false narratives that will be circulated by our allies in the media like crap through a goose!
Now, there’s one thing that you agents will be able to say when we get a democrat back in the White House. And you may thank Gaia for it.
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