Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
An aging, corrupt old fool somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Dateline, January 27. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir!”
“Who’s that?”
“Just me, sir, coming down with your soup and some messages from the committee, sir.”
“Soup?”
“Yes sir. Beef vegetable, sir.”
“Better not be that tough kind.”
“I’m … sorry, sir? What do you mean?”
“Sometimes beef vegetable can be tough. Beef is tough, carrots are tough. Even had a bowl once where the corn was tough. How the hell you can make tough corn, I don’t know… but it was.”
“Well, sir, try this. I’m sure it’s fine, sir. They wouldn’t give you anything that wasn’t good for you, sir.”
“You sure? Some people’d be happy to see me buy the farm, I can tell you that…”
“Oh, no, sir. Not at all. Everybody’s pulling for you to make it through these next two years, sir.”
“What’s that, boy? Two?”
“Err, umm… did I say two? I meant four, sir. Of course. Four years, sir. We’re all pulling for you, sir.”
“Better be. Hmm… This isn’t bad. Could use some crackers. Tell ’em I want crackers next time.”
“Yes sir. Now can we start on the messages, sir?”
“Mmm… go ahead. This is good…”
“Well sir, the first thing I was supposed to mention is this issue of the impeachment.”
“Hey! I already told them I can’t vote on it! I’m not a senator anymore!”
“Yes, we know that, sir.”
“I haven’t been a senator for twelve years! Hard to believe, huh? I still jump when people address me as something other than Senator. Hard to get used to…”
“Yes sir. It’s not about your vote, sir. It’s about the impeachment of President Trump.”
“Wait, didn’t we already do that? Now, I know I’m getting forgetful, but… I coulda sworn we did that whole impeachment thing during the primaries. Maybe before the primaries. Could’ve sworn it was over by Iowa, or maybe by New Hampshire…”
“Yes sir, it was. They’re doing it again.”
“They are? You get a do-over? I didn’t know that!”
“Yes sir. I mean, no sir. It’s not a do-over sir. These are new charges, sir.”
“So they’re really doing it all over again?”
“Yes sir, there’s nothing that says you can’t impeach a person multiple times as long as he’s in office.”
“But he’s not in office.”
“Well, umm, yes, sir, I guess they’re hoping nobody notices that.”
“Since the only purpose of an impeachment is to throw a guy out of office, and he’s already out of office, what the hell’s the point, son?”
“I don’t know, sir.”
“Huh. Well doesn’t that beat all.”
“So anyway, sir, we were thinking, I mean, the committee was thinking… since the Chief Justice isn’t willing to go along with it, maybe you might…”
“Huh? What do you mean, the Chief Justice won’t go along? What are you talking about, boy?”
“The House voted to impeach President Trump. Then they waited until he retired to Florida, and then they walked the impeachment papers over to the Senate. And now the Senate is taking it up.”
“Oh, I see. So now the Senate can’t do anything with it until the Chief Justice shows up. That makes sense. Conflicting calendars, or something, I suppose?”
“No sir. No conflicting calendars. The Chief Justice just says he doesn’t want to do it, so he won’t do it, so the Senate is starting without him.”
“Come on, Man!”
“No, really, sir. That’s where we’re at.”
“You’re telling me that they’re holding an impeachment in the Senate without the Chief Justice presiding? What, they just have an empty chair with an unused gavel sitting there?”
“No sir. They’re having Senator Leahy preside over the impeachment trial, sir.”
“You’re kidding.”
“No, sir, that’s what they’re doing, sir.”
“You’re pulling my leg.”
“No, sir.”
“You’re telling me that the US Senate is trying to impeach a man who’s not in office anymore, so they can hopefully kick him out of an office he doesn’t even hold, and instead of having the constitutionally-required impartial justice presiding, they have the most partisan guy in the Senate, who himself voted to impeach him a year ago, pretend to be the impartial judge of the trial?”
“Yes, sir, that’s about it.”
“Who dreamed this up?”
“Umm… Speaker Pelosi and Senator Schumer, I should think, sir.”
“Heh heh. And they call ME senile.”
“Well, sir, so I guess you see our problem.”
“Sure enough. Tell them to quit this malarkey right away and get me some bills to sign. This is idiotic.”
“No, sir, they were hoping you’d make a public statement about the Chief Justice, sir.”
“What do they want me to say?”
“Something about how much you respect the Chief Justice and how in the interest of Constitutional precedent you hope that he’ll come down to the Capitol and preside over the Senate trial like he’s supposed to, sir.”
“Now why the hell would I want to do that?”
“Because, well, then they’d have a better chance of the process being respected, sir. Then maybe the impeachment would have more of a chance, sir.”
“And why the hell would I want that, young man?”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“Why do you think I’d want them to be able to impeach an EX-president?”
“Um, because he’s Donald Trump, sir. Don’t you want him impeached?”
“When he was in office, sure! But now? Are you out of your mind, boy?”
“I’m not following you, sir.”
“If they can impeach an ex-president, they can impeach an ex-vice-president! Do you have any idea of the things I did when I was vice president for eight years under Barry and Michelle?”
“Ummm…. I don’t know, sir, I was in high school and college at the time, sir, I didn’t pay much attention to politics then, sir. I suppose you went to a lot of funerals and cast a couple deciding votes in the senate now and then, right, like vice presidents always do?”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”
“I’m sorry, sir, am I mistaken?”
“I spent eight years greasing the skids, son! Setting up deals… flying around the world… I had billions of dollars in US foreign aid to distribute; that’s gold, son, gold! I made things happen! I got enemies fired, I got friends jobs, it was great! It was the best!”
“I’m sorry, I still don’t follow. I still don’t see why you wouldn’t want to see former President Trump convicted in the Senate’s impeachment trial, sir.”
“If they can impeach an ex-president after he leaves office, what’s to say they won’t impeach an ex-vice-president? You think I want to risk that?”
“Oh, but sir, the Democrats control both the House and the Senate now, you’re in no danger of that!”
“Not now, sure, but this is a four year term, boy! What if we lose the House and Senate in 2022, huh? What then? If we do this now, what’s to stop the Republicans from impeaching Barry and me for everything we did from 09 to 16, huh? Just to type it up would take the whole staff…. Oh no, I don’t want any after-the-fact impeachments. No way.”
“I really don’t think you have to worry about that, sir.”
“What, you don’t think the Republicans will impeach Barry and me if they win back control in the midterms?”
“Well, I suppose they might impeach Barry, sir. But not you, sir.”
“Why not?”
“Well, sir, it’s one thing to impeach a former president who’s still on the scene, actively engaged, but… well sir… umm… I’m sure they’ll have their hands full impeaching Mr Obama, sir.”
“You really don’t think I have to worry about myself two years from now, son?”
“Umm… in a manner of speaking. Here, sir, would you like some more soup?”
“Oh, sure. And have them send down some crackers this time!! And a clean spoon!”
“Yes sir. We have to keep your strength up, sir!”
“Yup, I’ve got a busy four years coming up, don’t I?!”
“At least two, anyway…. Be back in jiffy, sir. With crackers, sir. And a clean spoon.”
“And a Yoohoo!”
“Yes sir. And a bottle of Yoohoo, sir.”
copyright 2021 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume One,” from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I and II) are available only on Amazon
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