By John R. “Buck” Surdu

We live in a world in which all standards of behavior are tantamount to bigotry. Leftists claim punctuality signifies “whiteness” and “oppression.” Replying to requests for RSVPs has become a forgotten courtesy. Driving selfishly is the norm. Debate has been replaced in many cases by character assassination and claims that any non-approved opinions are “hate.” I subscribe to the “broken window theory” to explain how small, unpunished crimes lead to bigger ones. The “broken window theory” also applies to manners. Little courtesies add up to a more civil society. Since April 2023, I have been mulling over a short article about manners in Reader’s Digest online.

Bottom line: good manners show respect for others as well as oneself.

Being Punctual

If punctuality is a sign of “whiteness,” as the Left contends – along with showing your work on a math problem – so, be it. Punctuality is a sign of respect for others. If showing respect is a sign of “whiteness,” I don’t see a problem. Lack of punctuality shows lack of respect the other person’s time. It is a sign of the selfishness that is endemic in our society. “My time is important, but yours doesn’t matter.” Doctors’ officers are famous for this. A month ago, I arrived on time for a medical test, but the person administering the test was 30 minutes late showing up for work. Recently, I arrived the mandated fifteen minutes early for a doctor’s appointment, but the doctor was 90 minutes late seeing me. On neither occasion did the office staff or the medical personnel acknowledge that they had wasted my time. I had to take time off, but only the doctor’s time mattered. At work, we frequently must wait ten minutes after the designated start time of meetings – whether in person or virtual – for everyone to arrive.

Sure, unexpected interruptions and delays occur, like traffic, sickness, weather, nuclear war, famine, plague, COVID hysteria, climate change, and other excuses. Today, however, lateness is the norm, not the exception. If a person knows he or she will be late, a phone call beforehand is respectful, not a text message fifteen minutes after the designated time. Lateness is so common that I frequently plan to start ten minutes late when I am the senior person at a meeting.

We should all show more respect for others’ time rather than selfishly only caring about our own time.

Responding to an RSVP

“RSVP” is an abbreviation of the French phrase, Répondez s’il vous plait, which means that the requester asks the receiver to indicate whether he or she will attend an event. Contrast this with “regrets only,” which indicates that the requester would like to know if the invitee will NOT attend. Today, responding to an RSVP request is a lost courtesy.

We are in the last 35 days of executing my daughter’s wedding, yet 30% of the invitees have not responded. Weddings are expensive, and having the right amount of food is essential – and costly.

My wife and I have hosted a large Christmas party for twenty years. Some years, the number of attendees has reached 75 guests. Planning and executing such an event is a significant undertaking – in both labor and cost. Less than 30% of the invitees respond to RSVP requests. This makes our jobs as hosts significantly more difficult.

Reader’s Digest attributes this discourtesy to the fact that many people do not know how to send a polite negative reply. That may be true, but I think two additional underlying causes exist. One is that few people entertain anymore. We have never been invited to someone else’s Christmas party in twenty years. People don’t seem to host parties anymore. Without having experienced the angst of worrying about having enough food, few people realize the practical benefit of responding.

In many cases, we have received RSVP replies many days after the requested date. My perception is that millennials and younger are waiting to see if something better pops up before they commit to our event. Whether this is the falsely legitimized fear of missing out (“FOMO”) or just omnipresent, run-of-the-mill discourtesy is uncertain. Regardless, there is no excuse.

A timely RSVP is a sign of respect and courtesy.

Writing Thank You Notes

When you attend an event or receive a gift, writing a thank you note to the giver was once common practice. This lets the person know that you appreciate their efforts. A thank you note is best when hand-written and sent through the mail. This takes ten minutes and a stamp. There are times when an Email thank you is appropriate, such as when you want to acknowledge the efforts of someone publicly, but generally, a thank you note should be handwritten. It is easy and takes much less time than executing a party or purchasing a gift. In addition, it lets the giver know that the gift was received, not lost in the mail or stolen by a “porch pirate.” Not doing so indicates a lack of respect for the other person. As with punctuality, not sending a thank you note says that your interests and time are more important than the other person’s.

Returning Phone Calls

Millennials and younger people seem puzzled by this crazy voice app on their phones, enabling them to talk to people in real-time. Yes, you can speak to another human on a smartphone. Text messages laden with bad grammar have replaced real, interpersonal interactions for many. That is why it is essential when someone takes the time to call you on the phone, you should return that call with another phone call, not a text message. One of my subcontractors is particularly good at this. If I try to call him and he can’t take the call, I get a text message indicating he is busy and will call me back. And he does call me back.

In addition, much more information is conveyed in a phone call where inflection and tone can help understand the message. How often have your Emails and text messages been misinterpreted because of missing non-verbal cues? We have created libraries of emojis to compensate for this when merely picking up the telephone can resolve many issues.

Returning Shopping Carts

It should be a common courtesy to return shopping carts rather than leave them in the parking lot where they impede parking and scratch others’ cars. But it is not.

On the topic of shopping carts, Mental Floss reported,

In a piece for Scientific American, Krystal D’Costa examined some plausible reasons shoppers avoid the cart receptacle. It might be too far from where they parked, they might have a child that makes returning it difficult, the weather might be bad, or they might have physical limitations that make returning it challenging. Alternatively, they may simply believe it’s the job of the supermarket or store employee to fetch their used cart…. Some readers wrote to D’Costa following her first piece to state that they didn’t return carts to keep store workers busy and gainfully employed, ignoring the fact that the primary function of those staff members is to get the carts from the receptacle and back to the store. It’s also rarely their primary job.

Admittedly, some stores could do a better job of having more return areas scattered throughout the parking lot to make this easier. How busy do you have to be that you can’t take thirty seconds to either push the cart to the designated corrals or at least onto a median? And are people in such a hurry that they can’t nest the carts in the corral rather than flinging them toward the corral from halfway across the lot, where they become a jumbled mess? Someone gets paid to gather the carts and return them to the store for others to use, but we don’t need to make that person’s job harder. Typically, I try to take a cart from the corral and bring it to the store for my shopping. If the timing is right, I offer to take the cart of someone who just unloaded their cart.

In our society, tips have become an expected entitlement rather than acknowledgment and appreciation for exceptional service. Self-checkout kiosks are now pimping me for gratuities! Shouldn’t we at least consider the person who has to schlep carts back to the store in the rain and heat to facilitate our shopping experience by properly parking our shopping carts? Shouldn’t we consider the inconvenience we cause fellow shoppers when they cannot park due to a discarded cart blocking a parking space? Is getting to our destination forty-five seconds sooner more critical than consideration of others?

Behaving with Decorum

I was in a restaurant a month ago. The restaurant only has ten tables. The group of six women at a nearby table was so loud that my ears were ringing by the time we left. They were still ringing the next day. There was once a time when people respected the space of others. There was no reason for them to be this loud for a prolonged period. Being unnecessarily loud is likely for attention, but for any reason, it is an example of poor etiquette that has become common in America.

Hey, snowflakes, the whole world isn’t about you. Show some respect for the dining experience of others rather than being boisterous to get attention.

Similarly, the level of profanity in public discourse has become ridiculous. I spent 30 years in the Army. Very little shocks or surprises me. I have even used that language in the proper context. Such language is now commonplace in public places, standing in line at a store, eating in restaurants, on television, and just about anywhere. Using “colorful” language in public places where children and others can overhear and be bothered exemplifies poor manners. Few seem to care if their vulgarity is overheard, and frequently, no attempt is made to use such language at a lower volume.

Today’s snowflakes are offended by just about anything they don’t like. They demand the right to do and say anything they want with no responsibility for their actions or how they may affect others around them. Have some respect for others who may not want to hear a constant stream of unnecessary profanity.

Respectful Attire

Let me start by sharing my personal bias: I think the pinnacle of men’s and women’s fashions was reached circa 1955 and has been steadily downhill since then. With that context, the way people go out in public is distasteful. Young girls (who can sometimes pull it off) and older women (who rarely can) venture into public with dirty, messy clothes full of holes and stains that are too low, too tight, and two high – sometimes all at the same time. There was a time when people looked at themselves in the mirror to make sure they were presentable before leaving the house. The definition of “presentable” is fungible these days.

The UK site Morts and More asserts that dressing well is a form of good manners.

We think the quote/statement can be translated to mean if you’ve gone to the effort of dressing your best (or well), it shows a sign of respect to whoever crosses your path or whoever you have planned to meet. Does this mean you have to wear a suit everywhere you go, everyday? Ha! if only! (*listens for cash register*). You won’t have to wear a suit everywhere you go because not every occasion calls for a suit. It means dress your best respectively to the occasion.

Let’s say for example you were invited to a nice dinner, or went on a date, or invited by the queen to Buckingham palace, what would you wear and how much thought would go into it? How about you’re just hanging around with friends, then what would the attire be and thought process? And why is it? Top guesses would say you would have on your best clothing in your wardrobe or maybe even new clothes for the first 3 accompanied by extensive thought, and perhaps the first thing you lay your hands on for the last occasion. Why dress you’re absolute best for the first 3? This can only be one thing, Respect.

If you would dress better (or well) to see the queen or a date as a mark of respect or to impress, is it fair to say that dressing down (or thoughtlessly) to see other people is a sign of disrespect? Perhaps. Maybe you could argue that friends don’t require you to make an effort and in almost every case they don’t. So, what was the purpose of this post?

Simple..

If you’re the kind of person who cares about being well mannered then it extends from the simple bows, graces, please and thank you’s (and even clean language), it’s in the way you dress too! As there are many occasions when you’re not meeting friends or not on a date or interview. It’s those occasions in the middle, the sweet spot. Be aware of how you approach those situations in the way you dress. With that being said even friends should get the respect of seeing you’ve thought well about you attire choice (and combination) too, even if you feel they don’t expect it. [My emphasis added.]

Similarly, if you were visiting the President (leaving politics aside) or appearing in court, wouldn’t most people dress up? So why is it okay to attend church on Sunday to meet God dressed like a slob?

To emphasize a point made in the lengthy quote from Morts and More, everyone need not always wear a tuxedo or evening gown. This article in Wardrobe Oxygen guides when and how to dress up for different occasions. It is essential to distinguish between dressing up and dressing well. Dressing “well” is somewhat subjective; however, dressing “well” means dressing as if you have respect for yourself and others around you. It also means dressing to portray the impression you want others to have of you. Wearing pajamas, underwear as outerwear, or dirty clothing with holes and obscene or sarcastic sayings portrays the impression that you do not care what others think. Is that respectful?

Unless you are homeless, dressing like a homeless person is not a style choice; it is merely laziness and disrespect. Tyler Terooren recounts two anecdotes that illustrate this point. Too many young people – and increasingly older people who know better and should have taught their kids better – demand respect without the effort that goes into earning respect.

I enjoy a well-turned ankle as much as the next man, but I find it unnecessary and rude for females to prance around half-naked. This is a sign that the person has no respect for herself and feels like she must be sexually provocative to get noticed. Yet, indecent clothing has become so common that women seem compelled to push the envelope to more and more risqué outfits to be noticed. If you need to reveal your genitals, you will be noticed for the wrong things. This attire also shows little respect to others in public. If you want to know how to dress to get noticed for the right things, look to Asian women who generally look pulled-together, tasteful, and respectful.

Using Proper Grammar

My grandfather once worked for Lee Iacocca at Ford Motor Company. When Iacocca received memoranda and reports from executives, Iacocca would mark them up for grammar and spelling with a red pen and send them back with the admonishment, “If you can’t take the time to get this right for me, I don’t have time to read it.” (I used this same technique while teaching at West Point, and when the cadets resubmitted the paper, it was marked down for being late.). Iacocca’s point, I think, is that taking the time to ensure that the grammar and spelling are correct in a document is a sign of respect. No one expects everyone to be perfect all the time; however, Emails and text messages replete with poor grammar; incorrect subject-verb agreement; egregious spelling errors; sentence fragments; confusing “there,” “they’re,” “their,” “its”, and “it’s;” little or incorrect punctuation or capitalization; and run-on sentences shows that you do not have respect for the recipient of the message. I have been told by supposedly educated people that “all that grammar stuff” does not matter if you convey your message. I argue that is merely an excuse for stupidity and carelessness. Poor communication often impedes or confuses the message. I have seen a T-shirt for sale with three lines of text: “Let’s eat Grandma. Let’s eat, Grandma. Commas save lives.” This is a humorous example, but correct punctuation often provides needed clarity. Frequently, I must re-read written communications several times before I think I have captured the gist of the message.

I have met teachers and executives with degrees in English or related fields who cannot string together a coherent sentence or paragraph. (How much am I paying for that person’s degree through unforgivably forgiven student loans?!) If many teachers cannot use proper grammar, what are they teaching our kids?! Many people use emojis as replacements for communicating clearly. The problem is that emojis are imprecise and subject to interpretations. As reported in CNN Business,

“Emojis cannot be considered a universal language,” [ABI Research analyst Stephanie] Tomsett said. 

That’s especially true when you consider how symbols vary by culture. The thumbs-up gesture has been up for debate as offensive or vulgar in the Middle East, while it’s a sign of something good in other parts of the world. A smiley face emoji is taken as sarcasm in China.

Even if one buys into the canard that grammar and punctuation do not matter if one communicates the intended message, replacing proper English with a bunch of little pictures can impede the lazily constructed communication.

Summation

Good manners are waning in our culture. Manners and etiquette are a sign of respect. They show respect for both us and for others around us. Sadly, as a society, we have lost respect for one another. It would be nice to see some of that return. Let’s start mending the manners “broken windows” in the (probably vain) hope of elevating politeness as a society.