Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We are sharing approximately every other story from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, and are now sampling Volume Three’s ninety chapters. In today’s episode from the late summer of his first year in office, President Buckstop’s soup aide, Russell Rhoades, discusses the dangers of the south and southeast with the old man:
Illegal Aliens and Louisiana Alligator Creole Stew
Dateline: August 30. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir.”
“Oh, hello. Do I know you?”
“You should, sir, I’ve been bringing you your soup every night for a couple of weeks now, sir.”
“Oh. I like soup.”
“Yes, sir, that’s been well established. I’m Russell Rhoades, sir, and I’m here with your evening soup. It’s Louisiana Alligator Creole Stew, tonight, sir.”
“Oh? What’s in it?”
“I would assume the operative word is alligator, sir. It’s a stew made with alligator, sir.”
“Real alligator?”
“I can’t imagine there’s much of a market for imitation alligators, sir.”
“Aren’t they dangerous?”
“Not once they’ve been slaughtered, butchered and cooked, sir. The food preparation process tends to remove even the most ferocious animal’s threat profile, sir.”
“Huh?”
“It’s safe to eat, sir. So here you go: soup, crackers, napkins, and your three soft plastic children’s soup spoons, sir.”
“I keep dropping them under my desk. Not worth bothering to bend down and pick them up. They’re just spoons. Not like when I was a senator.”
“Why, sir, what did you find under your desk when you were a senator, sir?”
“Envelopes. Nice, thick envelopes. Oh, those were the days.”
“Did you know where they came from, sir?”
“Well… heh heh… there wouldn’t be much point in it if I didn’t, would there now?”
“So in the campaign, sir, when they said that if elected, you could be counted on to push the envelope, they knew what they were talking about, right, sir?”
“This is good soup. Thick. Meat’s good. Alligator, you said, right?”
“Yes sir. Alligator. I suppose the cook made it because of the news about the hurricane, sir.”
“Hurricane? Quick, get in the basement!”
“We ARE in the basement, sir.”
“Oh. Well, then what should we do?”
“We don’t have to do anything, sir. The hurricane isn’t here, it’s in the gulf, sir. And it’s mostly passed now, anyway, sir. Left a lot of damage in its wake, though, sir.”
“It’s awake? I didn’t know storms sleep!”
“They don’t, sir. I said it left damage in its wake. It’s a reference to currents and waves, sir. The wake is the wave that’s left behind. I thought you grew up near the ocean, sir.”
“I’m a Scranton boy. Bet you didn’t know that. Grew up in Scranton. Just had a little river in those days. It didn’t have waves. Heck, it barely had water.”
“Sir, you moved from Scranton to Delaware when you were ten. You can’t possibly have a lot of memories of Scranton.”
“Sure I do! Working in the textile mill, sewing piece goods, day and night. Long hours. Hot. Sweatshop. Awful conditions. Finally Emma Goldman made a speech and freed us from that awful place…”
“Sir, you didn’t work in a sweatshop.”
“I didn’t?”
“You were born after that sort of exploitation was under control, sir.”
“I was?”
“You went to a normal grammar school in Scranton, sir. Remember, there was a kid in your class who flunked third grade.”
“Oh yes, I remember! He was a dunce!
“That kid was you, sir.”
“It was?”
“Yes sir. And the communist organizer Emma Goldman died before you were born, sir.
“Oh.”
“I think you’re remembering somebody else’s story, sir. Have you been watching a lot of television, sir?”
“Not really. Only when I’m not in meetings or playing games.”
“And… we have an answer.”
“I actually took some naps today… Did anything interesting happen today?”
“Well, now, sir, that’s a bit of a loaded question, sir. I suppose we finally got some closure on that awful rape and murder case in Iowa, sir. So that was some good news.”
“Iowa? I won Iowa, didn’t I?”
“Well, sir, interesting thing about that… you lost Iowa, but then they decided to do a recount, and they blamed their software for confusing the issue, and they made up a whole new way of allocating delegates, and after a week or so, they announced that you had won after all, sir.”
“Ooohhh! Lucky me, huh?!”
“You could say that, sir.”
“Lucky me, huh?!”
“So anyway, sir… back in the summer of 2018, sir, a college student named Mollie Tibbetts was raped and murdered near the University of Iowa campus. Do you remember that now, sir?”
“Nope. it was 2018.”
“What does that have to do with it, sir?”
“We only pay attention to Iowa during presidential primaries. No reason to give a damn about it any other time.”
“It’s actually a very nice state, sir. Anyway, this poor girl was jogging near the campus and this dirtbag illegal…”
“I didn’t know they had eagles out there.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“You said there was a sick eagle. Tell me more!”
“Illegal alien, sir. An illegal alien dirtbag, sir.”
“Ohhh… we call them ‘undocumented persons’ around here.”
“Well, we call them illegal alien dirtbags when they rape and kill an innocent girl, sir.”
“Maybe you didn’t hear the whole story. Did you give him a chance to tell his side?”
“His side, sir? His side is that he was a dirtbag who snuck into the country without permission… he raped an innocent college student, then murdered her. And then when they caught him, he tried the OJ Simpson defense, sir.”
“What’s that?”
“That by going after him, they’re missing out on finding ‘the real killer,’ sir. No shame, no remorse, Just a dirtbag, sir.”
“Well, why are you thinking about it today?”
“Three reasons, sir.”
“Three?”
“Yes sir. One is that certain illegal alien populations are notorious for committing crimes almost immediately upon their arrival. Not all alien populations, of course, but many. It’s one of the reasons we’re so concerned about all these thousands of Afghans that your regime is bringing here, sir; that origin in particular has a reputation, especially in Europe, for blowing up all the rape statistics; as soon as they arrive, they start attacking innocent women. It’s so common in their homeland, they have no interest in moderating their behavior, sir. Violent rapes are going to skyrocket soon, I’m afraid, sir.”
“But why today? Why is he on your mind today?”
“Oh, well, today was sentencing for that illegal alien dirtbag, sir. They did the best they could: life without even a possibility of parole. I think the nation sighed a collective sigh of relief when the sentence was reported, sir.”
“Life without possibility of parole? Doesn’t that sound cruel and unusual to you?”
“No, sir, it doesn’t. But anything less would, sir.”
“Oh, well. Umm… You said there were three reasons the show was on your mind… What was the third reason?”
“Oh, well… what with alligators being in the news about New Orleans during the storm… and the cook fixing up this great alligator stew for you, I can’t help thinking that it would be a whole lot better if they just fed dirtbags like him to the alligators. It would be over quickly, they’d get what they deserve, and the girls of our campuses would be a lot safer, sir.”
“Ummm, well, uhhh, isn’t that a bit extreme….”
“Not for anybody who has a sister, daughter, or mom in college, sir. Not for anybody who cares about the innocent in an era when too many advantages are given to the guilty, sir.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know, sir. Here, sir… eat your soup.”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. President of the Ethnic American Council in the 1980s and Chairman of the Milwaukee County Republican Party in the 1990s, his book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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