Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We are sharing approximately every other story from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, and are now sampling Volume Three’s ninety chapters. In today’s episode from the early autumn of his first year in office, President Buckstop’s soup aide, Russell Rhoades, tries yet again to talk about the California recall with the old fool.
Recalls and Speeches and Roasted Beef Tips with Vegetables Soup
Dateline: September 7. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir. Ready for an experiment?”
“How’s that? What do you mean?”
“Well, sir, the cook said she was in the grocery store, and she went down the soup aisle looking for ideas, and she saw a can of Roasted Beef Tips with Vegetables soup, sir.”
“You mean I’m paying her to just heat up a can of canned soup?”
“No, sir, of course not! She liked the title, and looked it up to see if she could find a recipe for it. When she couldn’t find one, she decided to wing it. So this is her own invention… her own copy of a canned soup, but made right, with fresh ingredients, you know, sir.”
“I don’t understand. Why didn’t she make something she had a recipe for?”
“She said she felt like having an excuse to roast beef tips, sir.”
“Well, is it any good?”
“I think so. What’s wrong, sir? Are you afraid to try a new recipe, sir?”
“Well, no, I wouldn’t say I’m afraid… I just don’t like to be first, that’s all.”
“You won’t be, sir. I tried a cup upstairs. Delicious, sir.”
“I don’t really like experimenting.”
“Hasn’t stopped you from mandating that federal employees try a brand new experimental vaccines that haven’t had time for proper tests, sir.”
“Come on, man! That’s entirely different!”
“Hasn’t stopped you from mandating the wearing of paper, plastic and cloth face coverings that no scientific study can find any value in other than psychological, sir.”
“That’s another issue completely.”
“And it hasn’t stopped you from propping up tyrannical governors like in California, Illinois, New York and Michigan, who’ve taken such drastic measures as shutting down restaurants, retailers, and all sorts of other businesses, as wild-eyed experiments with no proof whatsoever that such economic closures have any bearing whatsoever on the spread of sicknesses, sir.”
“Hey, you lying dog-faced pony soldier! Cut that out!”
“I’m not criticizing your choices, sir… I’m just a temp. I don’t pretend to be a politician or anything. It’s just that, well, your trusted cook came up with a recipe for a great soup on her own, it’s brand new, and you’re uncomfortable experimenting with it, sir. You got to admit, sir, that does sound more than a bit hypocritical, wouldn’t you say, sir?”
“Look, I’ve told you before, stop using such big words, kid.”
“The name’s Russell, sir. Russell Rhoades.”
“I’ll never remember that.”
“I know, sir. That’s okay. I don’t mind. It’s not like I’d expect you to be able to pick me out of the crowd at one of your rallies and greet me or anything, sir.”
“I don’t have those kinds of rallies.”
“And that’s only one of several reasons why the issue isn’t going to come up, sir.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“So anyway, sir, it’s a really good soup, and I know you’ll like it, sir. Here’s your soup, and your crackers, and your napkins, and your soft children’s soup spoons, sir.”
“How come there are more and more napkins every day?”
“Because you make bigger and bigger messes every day, sir.”
“I haven’t noticed…”
“That’s okay, sir. The rest of the world has, sir.”
“Oh. Well, anyway, hurry up because I have to eat and get ready for my vitamin shot and bedtime early tonight.”
“Why’s that, sir? Something big going on, sir?”
“Yeah. The team is thinking of flying me to California. Have to read a speech or something.”
“For the recall, sir?”
“For the what?”
“The recall, sir. The effort to replace their governor with someone who actually cares about the life, health and economic well-being of Californians, sir.”
“Where are they going to find somebody like that in Sacramento?”
“I don’t think they will, sir, but there’s a fellow from South Central L.A. running who would be perfect for the job, sir.”
“South Central? Come on, man! Nobody from South Central L.A. would have a chance at the governorship. Those people are poor!”
“Are you saying you don’t think poor people deserve a shot at public office, sir?”
“No, of course not. I mean, after all, poor kids are just as smart as white kids. It’s just that, they could never afford to run, that’s all.”
“Oh, I see, well, this one can, sir. He grew up in South Central L.A., but then went to college, and started businesses in Ohio, then moved back to California to become a talk show host and author, sir. Quite a guy, sir.”
“Well, all I know is that I have some speeches to read.”
“Don’t you mean to write, sir?”
“Oh, don’t be silly, I haven’t written anything but my signature in years.”
“I just read off the teleprompter and go back to my video game. That’s enough excitement for me. I’m 78 years old, you know. Don’t have a lot of years left for exacting tasks like writing things down and making copies of speeches and stuff like that, you know.”
“Aren’t you afraid of something going wrong, sir? Like losing the speech, sir?”
“Oh, no, They can always plug it write back into the teleprompter. Nobody’s gonna catch me without my words.”
“What if there’s a power outage, sir?”
“Oh, we thought of that already. Got an earpiece in my ear. Looks just like a hearing aid. Does the trick.”
“Well, sir, in that case, I’ll leave you to your soup, sir.”
“Mmm-hmmm…”
“And your crackers, sir…”
“Mmm-hmmm.”
“And your mess, sir.”
“Mmm-hmmm.”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. President of the Ethnic American Council in the 1980s and Chairman of the Milwaukee County Republican Party in the 1990s, his book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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