ITEM 1: Chris Cillizza claimed his Tesla was defaced. It wasn’t keyed, painted or set on fire. Instead, this was stuck on the car.
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Looks like he hired two Nigerian brothers to do the deed.
ITEM 2: Fox tweeted, “Celebrity chefs shred Diddy’s travesty of putting applesauce on burgers.”
Now we know the real reason he’s on trial.
ITEM 3: The Daily Mail said, “Fresh embarrassment for struggling MSNBC as new line up leads to disastrous ratings drop.”
Grandma was right. You can’t fix stupid.
ITEM 4: Rand Paul linked an NYT story and tweeted, “Big Beautiful Bill increases military/border spending over $300 billion exceeding most estimates of found DOGE cuts. The military industrial complex advocates secretly hijacked the bill to add bloat to the military budget.”
Never bring a Democrat talking point to a gunfight.
ITEM 5: The New York Post reported, “The governing body of California high school athletics adjusted eligibility rules for the upcoming track and field championship meet Tuesday, just hours after President Trump threatened to cut federal funding to the Golden State if it continues to allow transgender athletes to compete in women’s sports.”
Money talks. Besides, if he wants to be president, Newsom needs to lose T-girls like a nun getting rid of a bad habit.
ITEM 6: Eric Daugherty tweeted, “If the 2024 election were held today, Donald Trump would defeat Joe Biden by 7 points in the national popular vote—YouGov poll.”
Been there, done that and 1,200 people went to prison for protesting the 2020 steal.
ITEM 7: Memorial Day marked the beginning of summer, and you know what that means. Hey Jackass is keeping statistics of the hot fun in the summertime of Chicago.
The holiday weekend saw 5 killed and 24 wounded, the lowest gun toll in four years. They need to spend more time at the range. They hit 29 people and only 5 died? Losers.
ITEM 8: The New York Post reported, “MIT scraps DEI office, ends programs amid Trump’s fight with Harvard.”
Oh no, what will we do without highways designed by transgendered Martians who identify as kangaroos and belong to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
ITEM 9: Breitbart reported, “An appeals court on Thursday stayed the ruling of the U.S. Court of International Trade that blocked President Donald Trump’s Liberation Day tariffs, meaning the tariffs are back in effect.”
Just because a judge doesn’t like a policy doesn’t make it unconstitutional.
ITEM 10: Zero Hedge reported, Red “China Drowning In Soaring Coal Inventories Amid Sinking Power Demand, Crashing Coal Price.”
Now you know why Chairman Xi, the DNC and the Court of International Trade are so opposed to tariffs.
ITEM 11: ABC tweeted, “Berlin presents bid to re-host Olympics with 100th anniversary of 1936 Games looming.”
It’s also the 64th anniversary of the Munich Olympics. They’d be better off holding the games in Gaza.
ITEM 12: Just the News reported, “The Trump administration on Tuesday reportedly issued a blanket pause on the scheduling of student visa interviews at embassies and consulates while it mulls the implementation of social media vetting for foreign students.”
What does that Orange Man want colleges to do without foreign students? Teach Americans?
ITEM 13: The New York Post reported, “NYC prosecutor used clout with DA, NYPD to rig arrest of NYT reporter hubby in bitter custody battle: lawsuit.”
A new chapter opens in Democrats wooing the press.
ITEM 14: DC Draino reported, “The FBI is now reopening the investigation into the leak of the draft decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. If a Supreme Court Justice was involved in the coverup of the Dobbs decision leak, then that Justice should be impeached and removed from the Supreme Court.”
No we don’t. Never waste an opportunity to blackmail.
ITEM 15: The Daily Mail reported, “The sex robot you control REMOTELY: Creepy £1,400 doll can be managed via an app—with options to adjust squeezing, thrusting, and moaning.”
Julie Newmar was ahead of her time.
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But you know the robots men really could use? Robots who are loggers, fishermen or roofers. Those are the most dangerous occupations, jobs that are dominated by men. Fewer deaths equals more men which reduces women’s need for sex robots.
ITEM 16: NYT tweeted, “SpaceX’s Starship spun out of control in space before breaking apart during its ninth test flight.”
NASA had more than 160 failures as of 2014. Its first launch reached a height of four feet.
ITEM 17: Fox reported, “MS-13 member, child sex offender nabbed amid federal immigration enforcement on Nantucket, Martha’s Vineyard.”
Put them in a rowboat 100 miles offshore and give them some oars.
ITEM 18: The New York Post tweeted, “Lions and tigers among 300 animals rescued from Oregon zoo found hiding drugs, guns and nearly $2 million in cash.”
We have enough trouble with MS-13. Now actual animals are getting in on the action.
ITEM 19: The Richmonder reported, “Harrison Ruffin Tyler, grandson of 10th U.S. president and longtime Richmonder, dies at 96.”
Grandpa was born in the 18th century. Grandson lived to the 21st. It’s genetics, diet and Christianity, folks.
It also helps that grandpa and dad didn’t have ED when they were in their 70s.
ITEM 20: Benny Johnson tweeted, “President Trump’s Crypto Czar David Sacks just exposed Elizabeth Warren aka Pocahontas as the one running Biden’s auto-pen.”
Our first Indian president!
Isn’t forgery a federal crime?
ITEM 21: ABC reported, “A team from the Department of Government Efficiency can now access a sensitive Treasury Department system that controls trillions of dollars in federal payments, a judge ruled late Tuesday.”
It was an auto-pen judge. Lizzy has some ’splain’ to do.
ITEM 22: Trump pardoned reality show millionaires Todd and Julie Chrisley like they were J6ers. Senator Warren tweeted, “This pardon is a Get Out Of Jail Free card for the rich & famous who cozy up to Trump.”
FJB’s auto-pen issued 8,604 pardons and commutations. That’s a lot of Get Out Of Jail Free cards.
ITEM 23: In response, their daughter tweeted a note to Pocahontas:
✅ My parents were never convicted of tax evasion.
✅ The IRS admitted under oath they owed nothing.
✅ A federal agent lied on the stand and admitted it on audio.
✅ Prosecutors called us “The Trumps of the South” and put my dad’s face on a dartboard.
✅ Ex parte emails prove the judge and prosecutors crossed every ethical line.
Facts are to liberals what sign language is to most hearing people.
ITEM 24: NBC tweeted, “Safety concerns, a hostile political environment and uncertainty about border policies are causing some LGBTQ travelers to rethink visits to the U.S. this summer.”
Make June Bride’s Month Again.
ITEM 25: The Daily Signal reported, “As Americans began to prepare for Memorial Day weekend, the Supreme Court quietly handed President Donald Trump a significant victory in the fight to rein in the rogue D.C. bureaucracy.
“In a short, two-page order, the court stayed a district court order that directed Trump to reinstate two federal officials whom he had fired.”
Kagan, Sotomayor and KBJ spent the weekend mourning the death of the bureaucracy.
ITEM 26: Fox reported, “The Supreme Court on Friday stayed a lower court order that blocked the Trump administration from deporting roughly 500,000 migrants from Cuba, Nicaragua, and Venezuela. The decision is a near-term victory for President Donald Trump as he moves to crack down on border security and immigration priorities in his second term.”
Trump must have threatened to send them all to John Roberts’ house.
ITEM 27: NYT whined, “Trump Administration Ends Program Critical to Search for an H.I.V. Vaccine.”
They’ve been searching for 40 years. Wile E. Coyote is closer to catching the Road Runner than we are to this vaccine.
ITEM 28: Fox tweeted, “Marine restrains man allegedly trying to open plane’s emergency exit during flight.”
Manhattan DA Alvin “Bigger Than Fort” Bragg immediately convened a grand jury to investigate the Marine.
FINALLY, having worked the U.S. Steel-Nippon Steel in favor of another $14 billion investment in the USA, Trump went to Pittsburgh to spike the ball like Rocky Bleier—who was in the audience.
The president said, “We don’t want America’s future to be built with shoddy steel from Shanghai—we want it built with the strength and the pride of Pittsburgh!”
Today we all stand behind the Pittsburgh steelers, even Cleveland Browns fans.
This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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