ITEM 1: PJ Media reported, “FBI Announces Chinese Suspects Indicted for IED at CENTCOM Headquarters.”
Temu terrorists.
ITEM 2: Just the News reported, “General McKenzie, top commander during Afghanistan debacle in 2021, named president of The Citadel.”
He’ll also teach a course called, “Surrendering Without Dignity 201.”
ITEM 3: Volkswagen to shift from cars to missile defense in deal with Israel’s Iron Dome maker.
So Hitler’s car company is working to protect Jews in the Middle East.
ITEM 4: The Daily Caller reported, “Developers and local officials canceled a proposal for a new Muslim-based city in rural Texas, according to Republican Rep. Lance Gooden, after a Daily Caller investigation reported on the plans and subsequent meetings.”
Sharia, I just met a law named Sharia.
ITEM 5: The Guardian reported, “U.S. Supreme Court justices indicated sympathy on Tuesday toward Donald Trump’s administration in its defense of the government’s authority to turn away asylum seekers when officials deem U.S.-Mexico border crossings too overburdened to handle additional claims.”
The Supreme Court is the last bastion of sanity in the judiciary. That’s scary.
ITEM 6: The New York Times reported, “Idaho Criminalizes Transgender Use of Some Bathrooms in Private Businesses.”
Yep just like the Civil Rights Act of 1964 bans racial discrimination in private businesses. Let women pee in peace.
ITEM 7: Trump’s signature will replace the U.S. Treasurer’s on dollar bills.
OK, here’s my plan. I buy 1,000 Trump one-dollar bills. Sell them as Trump autographs for $250 each.
ITEM 8: CBS reported, “Secret Service agent assigned to Jill Biden accidentally shoots himself at Philadelphia International Airport.”
This is my weapon, this is my leg. One is for shooting, the other is ow, ow, ow.
ITEM 9: Jimmy Failla tweeted, “Pro Tip: If you want to elect a female president stop telling everyone that women are too dumb to figure out Voter ID.”
I dunno. After Kamala-la-dee-da, maybe women are too dumb to vote.
Oh wait. I forgot about Tim Walz. Maybe men shouldn’t vote either.
ITEM 10: CBS reported, “Appeals court rules Trump administration can detain large swaths of immigrants living in the country illegally, who entered the U.S. without inspection and admission, without bond.”
“Who entered the U.S. without inspection and admission” should win a Pulitzer.
ITEM 11: Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson said, “We cannot jail our way out of violent crime.”
He’s right. We need executions too. They reduce recidivism to zero.
ITEM 12: Carnac the Magnificent In-n-Out Burger employee tweeted, “The answer is: People that prefer Whataburger over In-n-Out.”
The question was “What is a sign of very low intelligence?”
ITEM 13: Clay Travis tweeted, “President Trump visited Graceland, learned Elvis had two black belts, and asked the tour guides who would have won in a fight, him or Elvis?”
I’m going with Elvis. He was MAGA when we were just called Americans.
ITEM 14: The Associated Press reported, “Kermit Gosnell, Philadelphia doctor convicted of multiple infant murders and death of a patient, dies at 85.”
Murders? Did AP finally admit the truth about abortion?
ITEM 15: Snitch of the week.
He would have gotten away with it, too, if not for that meddling tweet.
ITEM 16: Azat tweeted, “A halal butcher in Zurich, Switzerland has sold 3.1 tons of pork labeled as veal to Muslim customers, who haven’t noticed any difference for three years.”
Nothing personal. Just business. Pork shoulder costs $2 to $4 per pound—veal $8 to $20+ per pound.
ITEM 17: Jimmy Kimmel said, “Before he was elected to the Senate, Markwayne Mullin was a plumber. That’s right. We have a plumber protecting us from terrorism now.”
One man knows his shit. The other’s on TV. Neither has a college degree.
ITEM 18: Philly DA Larry Krasner vowed to jail ICE agents in airports, saying, “The president cannot pardon you!”
Karoline Leavitt responded, “Cannot pardon you for what? He’s talking to the ICE agents who are handing out water bottles and are helping people move through lines at airports!”
Ah ha! They did not have food handler’s permits, did they?
ITEM 19: Sana Ebrahimi tweeted, “Sydney Sweeney just shared that her brother is deployed.”
It’s in his jeans.
ITEM 20: CNN asked, “ICE agents have been deployed to airports. Are the polls next?”
ITEM 21: NBC reported, “Transgender women banned from Olympics by new IOC policy.”
Wrong. They can compete as the men they are.
ITEM 22: Just the News reported, “Ballot initiatives across multiple states protecting women’s sports could prove to be a turnout driver for Republicans in November, as polling shows the issue is overwhelmingly favorable across all political stripes.”
Giving voters what they want gets you votes. What a concept!
ITEM 23: General Muhoozi Kainerugaba, Uganda’s Chief of Defense Forces, tweeted, “Israel stood with us when we were nobodys in the 1980s and 1990s. Why wouldn’t we defend her now that our GDP is $100 billion? One of the largest in Africa.”
I guess everyone in Uganda is over that Raid on Entebbe thingy.
ITEM 24: ESPN reported, “Quadruple amputee cornhole player waives hearing in murder case.”
Shot and killed by an unarmed man.
ITEM 25: AP reported, “The Justice Department has settled for roughly $1.2 million a lawsuit from Michael Flynn, the former national security adviser to President Donald Trump who pleaded guilty during the Republican’s first term to lying to the FBI about his conversations with a top Russian diplomat and was later pardoned.”
The money should be deducted from Obama’s pension.
ITEM 26: A highlight from the Cabinet meeting this week:
Interior Secretary Doug Burgum: I literally believe the Venezuelans are going to erect a statue of President Trump.
Trump: That would be a tremendous honor.(Fast-forward a few minutes…)
Burgum: And now their oil is flowing straight to our refineries.
Trump: Never mind the oil. When are they putting up that statue?
Of course, such an honor goes only so far. That is the limitations of statues.
ITEM 27: Science Alert reported, “Sharks in the Bahamas have tested positive for cocaine, a new study concludes.
“Researchers from the Bahamas, Brazil, and Chile also found traces of caffeine and painkillers in the sharks. This isn’t a shift in lifestyle from the animals, but rather something that’s being forced upon them, as marine pollution becomes ever more pervasive.”
Marine pollution! Ban cocaine!
Oh.
By the way, there are 352 quintillion gallons of water in the Caribbean alone.
ITEM 28: The Dallas Express reported, “Justice Clarence Thomas has become the fourth-longest-serving justice in U.S. Supreme Court history as of Thursday. Thomas reached 12,572 days on the bench—34 years and 153 days—moving past Chief Justice John Marshall, according to tenure calculations based on his October 23, 1991, commission date.”
I hope he brings a cushion to work because that’s a long time to sit on a bench.
ITEM 29: BBC News Africa tweeted, “The UN General Assembly has voted to recognize slave trade as ‘the gravest crime against humanity.’
“The proposal by Ghana was adopted with 123 votes in favor and three against—the United States, Israel and Argentina.”
Having sold all its slaves, Mother Africa now seeks reparations.
ITEM 30: Derrick Evans tweeted with video, “People from a big city can’t comprehend small town America where the local team wins a state championship (3rd in a row) & stops on the way home to celebrate with a fan who couldn’t make it to the game.
“This is Tug Valley High School from the coalfields of West Virginia.”
Pam Fry replied, “This is my aunt and uncle’s house. My uncle is in the wheelchair. He has always supported the team. My aunt worked at the school for many years. My cousin’s wife also went to these games. She passed away unexpectedly last week. The team put her Panthers shirt on a seat behind them.”
355 students.
FINALLY, for years the presidential debate was who will answer the call at 3 AM?
Trump makes those calls.
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This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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