Every time I believe we have run out of stupidity, I discover more.
Don Surber addresses the ridiculousness of this week’s news offerings. Your only option is to laugh otherwise the rage or sadness will consume you. Enjoy!
ITEM 1: On Wednesday, a judge said President Trump violated the First and Fifth amendments in kicking CNN, Politico and MS NOW out of the White House.
Also on Wednesday, MS NOW reported FBI Director Kash Patel was in Russia for a secret meeting. He was at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia, 5,000 miles from Moscow. Missed it by this much.
ITEM 2: Minnesota’s Lieutenant Governor Peggy Flanagan is running for the Senate. She tweeted, “My Ojibwe name is Gizhiiwewidamookwe, which means ‘Speaks in a Loud and Clear Voice Woman.’”
I can see why she shortened it to Peggy.
ITEM 3: ABC tweeted, “After years of political back-and-forth and several violent mishaps in Central Park, including one where a tourist lost their life in the summer, New York City is set to ban horse-drawn carriages in less than two years, officials announced Tuesday.”
Illegal aliens continue to kill people but New York remains a sanctuary city. Maybe we can get Jose and Mohammed to pull tourists around Central Park in rickshaws.
ITEM 4: BRICS News, “Indian High Commissioner says Canada will need 15,000,000 new immigrants over the next decade to meet growing job demand.”
Canada has 21.1 million workers. It lost 110,000 jobs in the last two months.
Maybe Sanjay and Rajesh can pull tourists in rickshaws.
ITEM 5: Kelly Clarkson tweeted, “Just drove all the way to Brooklyn to check out this store I thought looked really rad and had a few things in mind to buy and literally was looked at as if I couldn’t afford it and was told he could find something comparable for me. Wow, dude. You’re an idiot and just lost a huge sale. But y’all should go check out Art of Play in Brooklyn if you enjoy being treated like Julia Roberts character in Pretty Woman. For sure, check it out.”
The item she wanted was not for sale so it was more like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
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ITEM 6: The New York Post tweeted, “Netflix fires 1,000 workers as it struggles to keep audiences watching.”
Odd strategy because those 1,000 people no longer will afford a subscription.
ITEM 7: The Columbus Dispatch confused readers with this headline, “This career politician has failed Ohioans. That’s why The Dispatch endorses his rival for Senate.”
Did they mean Republican Jon Husted, who was first elected to office in 2000, or Democrat Sherrod Brown, who was first elected in 1974?
ITEM 8: Reuters reported, “White House press secretary Katie Zacharia was fired after less than a week on the job, two US officials said on Friday, after a rocky start as President Donald Trump’s top spokesperson.”
It’s been almost 10 years, but Trump is still looking for his next Sean Spicer.
Whale Psychiatrist recommended her:
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ITEM 9: Congresswoman Angie Craig tweeted, “Minnesota lost 32,000 jobs and $700 million in wages to Operation Metro Surge [an ICE law enforcement activity]. Let that sink in.”
BLS says Minnesota gained 34,100 jobs but why let facts get in the way of an overwrought, deranged, populist tirade?
ITEM 10: TWZ reported, “Army Wants High-Energy Laser Weapons It Can Put On Any Vehicle In The Motor Pool.”
Does the motor pool include vacuum cleaners, because I really want a laser on my fricking Shark.
ITEM 11: CNN reported, “The president of the European Central Bank played down speculation about intervention in France’s ballooning budget crisis on Wednesday.”
Look, riding in a balloon is nice but if your budget for ballooning is so high it causes a financial crisis, you need a cheaper mode of transportation.
ITEM 12: Zero Hedge reported, “‘We have A Zero-Tolerance Policy’: High School Student Punished For Expressing Support For The Cornell 7.”
Meanwhile, Palestinians raped and killed 1,200 people in Israel and it is OK to say Free Palestine.
ITEM 13: Vote Hub still gives Republicans a 16% chance of keeping the House.
Democrats need to win just 3 seats.
ITEM 14: In March, Joni Mitchell received a lifetime achievement award at the Juno awards, the Canadian Grammy. She praised Mark Carney and said Canada was lucky to have him as prime minister.
This week, she finally became an American citizen after living here 62 years. The oath of citizenship begins, “I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty, of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen.”
What happened to celebrities leaving when Trump became president? Now they are renouncing and abjuring other countries. Oh the horror.
AND NOW A MOMENT WITH ANDY ROONEY: Ever notice that the people concerned about carbon dioxide nevertheless drink carbonated drinks?
I wonder why that is.
ITEM 15: Courthouse News Service reported, “A federal judge in San Diego ordered the U.S. Department of State on Wednesday to reopen the diversity visa lottery for 2027, also known as the Green Card Lottery.
“U.S. District Judge Jinsook Ohta’s preliminary injunction will allow for up to 55,000 people from around the world to apply for permanent residence in the United States.”
She was born in Seoul.
Old and tired: Anchor babies.
Fresh and hot: Anchor judges.
ITEM 16: The Midwesterner reported, “Obama admin put Abdul El-Sayed’s sister-in-law on terror watch list—they’re going to campaign together anyway.”
Don’t worry, Secret Service. They won’t kill one of their own.
ITEM 17: The guest host of Saturday Night Live said something in his opening monologue that some people didn’t like.
This was the big breaking news on Monday. I liked it better when telling a joke wasn’t treated as news because, well, it’s not news. It’s a joke. Much like all of the news media is today.
ITEM 18: Re Mix News reported, “46% of Muslims and 44% of Jews say they would consider leaving France if Le Pen wins.”
Finally, a world leader found common ground for Muslims and Jews.
ITEM 19: The FBI raided Ilhan Omar’s place in DC. Liberals said this set a dangerous precedent of a president investigating congressmen.
Tell that to Bob “Looking For Mister Goldbar” Menendez and George Santos.
ITEM 20: President Trump nixed plans for televising the execution.
This is why people are cutting cable. They never let you see the stuff you really want.
ITEM 21: AOC said, “Public colleges should be tuition free. They [Trump administrators] are attacking women’s ability to get an education! They don’t want women to go to college!”
She said this while campaigning for Allahu Akbar El-Sayed who supports terrorists who don’t believe in sending girls to school.
ITEM 22: In sports news, the National League pennant playoffs ended.
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The World Series opponent will be the Rays (boo) or Guardians (yeah).
ITEM 23: The New York Times tweeted, “Breaking News: Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez transferred $1 million to Dr. Abdul El-Sayed, a progressive running for Senate in Michigan. The transfer represents a huge sum for a House member to give to a Senate race, especially one in a different state.”
If I gave a candidate $1 million, I’d be in prison.
ITEM 24: United Canada tweeted, “The U.S. economy is on track to take a $5 billion economic hit in 2026 alone due to the ongoing Canadian travel boycott, driven by millions of fewer visitors crossing the border.”
The USA’s economy is 6,000 times larger than $5 billion.
ITEM 25: PJ Media reported, “Ukraine Knocked Out Russia’s Biggest Data Centers, and the Internet Got 17% Better.”
No more Russian bots on Twitter. There go all my Democrat followers.
ITEM 26: The New York Post tweeted, “Too much penguin poop in Antarctica is accelerating snow melt and rising sea levels: study.”
Kill the penguins, save the planet.
TWITTER AMUSEMENTS.