Don Surber walks us through this week’s media roundup with his uniquely sarcastic perspective. He’ll make you think; he’ll make you laugh; and he’s far better at cutting to the heart of the matter than the legacy media.
ITEM 1: I thought I found where Alissa Heinerscheid, former VP of Marketing for Bud Light, works now.
But Grok said she went to work for PGA rival LIV Golf, which is battling for survival in bankruptcy court.
Hey, DNC, have I got the right person for you.
ITEM 2: Media-ite reported, “60 Minutes Premiere Ratings Dropped to 25-Year Low.”
The story said, “Sunday’s premiere featured correspondent Norah O’Donnell interviewing an Air Force officer shot down over Iran, Lesley Stahl investigating the presidential pardon business and Jon Wertheim profiling the Los Angeles Rams. Former New York Times conservative columnist Ross Douthat closed the broadcast with a segment about artificial intelligence and the importance of ‘journalism you can trust.’”
Journalism you can trust? I trust my Shark vacuum cleaner over 60 Minutes.
ITEM 3: President Donald John Trump tweeted:
“I am pleased to announce that the United States of America has entered into an Agreement with The Kingdom of Denmark, and Greenland, that gives the United States permanent control over security, and all other needs, in Greenland, completely addressing ALL of our many U.S. concerns. There will be NO COST to the United States! At my direction, we worked with representatives of Denmark and Greenland to guarantee that the United States will FOREVER have the complete ability to do what is necessary in Greenland in order to secure and defend the security of Greenland, and the United States of America.
“Additionally, from now on, no U.S. adversary can EVER have a base in Greenland, have a military presence in Greenland, or make sensitive investments in Greenland, without our express written approval. For over 100 years, Presidents have known the strategic importance of Greenland, but NONE of them were able to do anything about it. I am proud to be the President that permanently and conclusively addressed this very important situation.
“This is an “Infinite Life” Agreement, there is no end! We are very honored and proud of what has just taken place, and everything agreed to today will be cherished by the American People. We will immediately begin the process of developing a large Military presence in the appropriate part of Greenland, of which there are many. We will work with the people of Greenland in its development and construction. This solution is a great one for the United States of America, Denmark, Greenland, and all of our Allies. We look forward to working with the wonderful people of Denmark and Greenland toward a magnificent future with respect to this large, and highly strategic, parcel of land.
“We will be very protective of it! This is a dream come true for the United States of America, one that is very important, historic, and special. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP.”
Ryan Fournier tweeted a clip from December 24, 2024, and said, “They laughed when Scott Jennings said Trump would secure Greenland. Well, who’s laughing now?”
We now have a place to deport illegal aliens.
ITEM 4: Citing a survey, Mark Tapscott asked, “What does it mean when only one of 10 Americans say they have confidence in information generated by any of the hundreds of federal agencies?”
It means the Founding Fathers would be proud of 9 out of 10 Americans.
ITEM 5: CNBC reported, “The nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office estimates the Iran war has cost the Pentagon $38.1 billion through Aug. 1 and could cost another $2 billion to $3 billion for each additional month of fighting.”
No problem. Just shut down those daycare centers to pay for it. Welfare moms can watch their own kids.
ITEM 6: AP tweeted, “A new report reveals that 12.5 trillion tons of ice from Greenland and Antarctica have melted since 1979. This massive glacier melt is mainly due to warmer waters eroding the ice sheets from below and the sides.”
There are 27,000 trillion tons of snow and ice on these two land masses. At this rate it will take a million years to make the lands ice free. Looks like I’ll have to wait a while for my West Virginia home to become beachfront property.
ITEM 7: NBC reported, “Human rights experts commissioned by the U.N.’s top human rights body say they have found reasonable grounds to believe the U.S. committed war crimes in two strikes in Iran, including on a school in the southern city of Minab.”
The UN Relief and Works Agency participated in the October 7 rape, torture and slaughter of 1,200 people at a music festival by goons funded by Iran.
ITEM 8: Variety tweeted, “Sydney Sweeney has lost over 200,000 Instagram followers following backlash over her nude sports-betting advertisement.”
She’s down to her last 25,935,275 followers.
ITEM 9: TWZ reported, “U.S. Admits It Has Weapons In Orbit.”
Nice to see that some of my tax money isn’t being wasted on gender studies and Planned Parenthood.
ITEM 10: CNBC reported, “Ford Motor is expanding the availability of V-8 engines and lowering the starting prices of some performance models for its 2027 lineup of F-150 pickup trucks.”
Lower prices and bigger engines. Who said you need Sydney Sweeney to sell products?
ITEM 11: AP reported, “Iran hesitates to clamp down on defiance of headscarf rules as war and economic pressures mount.”
The revolutionary guard is running out of bullets.
ITEM 12: Mitch McConnell returned to the Senate this week.
And you said there were no ghosts in the Capitol.
ITEM 13: The Federalist reported, “A public interest law firm filed a lawsuit today against the city of Dearborn, Michigan, for allegedly establishing Islam as a religion in violation of the U.S. Constitution and civil rights laws. The American Freedom Law Center is pursuing the suit on behalf of Dearborn resident and Federalist Senior Legal Correspondent Margot Cleveland.”
Now where would she get the idea that Dearborn discriminates against Christians?
Other than Mayor Abdullah Hammoud telling Pastor Ted Barham, “Although you live here, I want you to know as mayor, you are not welcome here. And the day you move out of the city will be the day that I launch a parade celebrating the fact that you moved out of the city because you are not somebody who believes in coexistence.”
ITEM 14: The New York Post reported, “Americans’ household income hit a record high in 2025 while the poverty rate fell to its lowest level ever, according to new US Census data.”
We deported the poor.
ITEM 15: Cultured Swine tweeted, “Now that its clear we Canadians are going to be come Europeans, we need to decide which KIND of European we will be:
- Beer European
- Wine European
- Aperol Spritz Europeans”
After a decade of Justin Castreau apologizing for colonization, Mark Carney wants Canada to be a European colony again.
ITEM 16: Now that he’s no longer a trillionaire, how is Elon Musk doing?
He posted a video of him living in a trailer in Tennessee.
ITEM 17: Holdout juror Michael Desronvil lawyered up and told News Nation, “I didn’t have any doubts. As I tried to explain different possible theories during deliberation, I kept getting cut off as if I had doubts based on the evidence.”
I feel for him. I had four older sisters. Never got a word in edge-wise.
ITEM 18: Yahoo reported, “Oil prices in China hit record highs Wednesday, as energy disruptions from an escalating Middle East conflict spilled into the world’s largest market for imported crude.”
Well, they can always buy Venezuelan oil—from Trump.
ITEM 19: Buffalo opened its new stadium with the singing of the national anthem—of Canada. No players knelt. So much for solidarity with the indigenous First Nations people.
Not everyone was pleased.
MSN reported, “In specific areas of the stadium, fans shared photos showing railings blocking their view of the end zone and nearly the entire field while seated. Those positioned higher up in the stands reported their sightlines being obstructed by glass partitions and flooring.
“Additional complaints centered on a concrete slab obstructing views in certain seating sections, while some seats remained inaccessible due to a strap.”
What do you want for $2.1 billion? The ability to see the game? Spoiled brats.
ITEM 20: The New York Times tweeted, “A crocodile-inhabited river in Australia has been chosen as a venue for rowing and canoeing events at the 2032 Olympic Games in Brisbane.”
Expect new speed records.
ITEM 21: The Supreme Court blocked a Trump administration effort to restrict mail-in voting via Postal Service rules.
We’ve replaced the ballot box with the mailbox. The next Congress will go postal on us.
ITEM 22: The Federal Reserve raised interest rates.
Don’t worry. I’ll still collect 0.25% on my savings account at the bank.
ITEM 23: Warren Buffett, 96, announced he is stepping down as chairman of Berkshire Hathaway after more than 50 years.
Now to get a few senators to take the hint.
ITEM 24: Pennsylvania recorded it 670th case of measles this year.
Maybe not requiring illegal aliens to be vaccinated wasn’t such a bright idea.
ITEM 25: Trump tweeted. “I am proud to announce that, effective immediately, I am banning Fake News CNN, MSNOW (who recently changed their name from MSNBC due to lack of viewership and credibility!), and Politico (The recipients of an illegal and ridiculous $8 Million Dollar subscription, an All Time Record, directly from the United States Government, under Crooked Joe Biden, in order to keep them alive. Seems like corruption to me!), from the White House as a result of their constant reporting FAKE NEWS!
“Media Outlets shouldn’t be able to constantly write or report FICTION and LIES when they’re covering the President of the United States, the Trump Administration, or the United States of America. Other Fake News Media Outlets to follow. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP.”
Chief Justice John Roberts orders another case of Excedrin from Amazon.
ITEM 26: Polk County (Florida) Sheriff Grady Judd said his office accidentally discovered a mom and her son had sex but “only 100 times.” Her husband said he never knew.
Judd said, “They got charged with incest. She got charged with adultery. It’s still on the books.”
Never de-criminalize anything. You never know when you may need it.
ITEM 27: Reason reported, “A $95,000 Fine for Transporting a 6-Pack of Beer Defies the Eighth Amendment, a Supreme Court Brief Argues.”
Buford T. Justice hardest hit.
ITEM 28: The Daily Loud tweeted, “Ichiro Suzuki threw a 127 pitch shutout at 52 years old against women.”
Wow. Once the transition is complete, he will be the first woman in the Hall of Fame.
THE BEST OF TWITTER.
Help.
Deep Thoughts About Yom Kippur.
FINALLY, Salena Zito wrote about the groundbreaking for an AI data center somewhere in Rust Belt Pennsylvania.
Poca, West Virginia, has plenty of space and there is room to build another John Amos power plant to serve the center. The race is on. Beat Red China and save the world.
Again.
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This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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