Have you noticed how mad Joe Biden is? I mean, President Cockwomble just screamed at reporters that he’s sick of Americans questioning his greatness. It’s not like he has to answer to us or anything. Well, Joe’s level of madness doesn’t even move the needle on Putin’s mad meter. Things are not going well for Vlad the Mad Russian and his imperial expansion plans. He’s really mad. Vlad is ticked that Ukraine didn’t sprinkle his path to Kiev with rose petals and is hinting that he may be ready to go nuclear.
Heck, Vlad has even raised Russia’s nuclear alert level to prove he’s serious – and mad. How mad is he? He’s mad enough to take on the world with nukes, even though he can’t seem to get a truck convoy to move down a paved road. He’s made it pretty clear that he won’t hesitate to use nukes if it’s necessary. I assume it’s only necessary to save face, because he won’t actually win anything with it – except a scorched wasteland and a reputation to rival Hitler’s.
The whole thing is so disturbing that John Kerry found his way to the microphones. Kerry is the Special Presidential Envoy on Climate. I’m not sure if that’s a really good “special” or a short bus “special.” But anyway, our Envoy announced to the world that the war in Ukraine has the potential to do grave harm to the environment. To add emphasis, The Atlantic chimed in to point out that a nuclear war would seriously contribute to anthropogenic climate change – because things don’t get much more anthropogenic than atom bombs going off.
I wondered how this could be. I thought the fear with a nuclear war was nuclear winter, not global warming. Won’t the two just, like, cancel each other out? So, I did some fact checking. It turns out that a nuclear blast does in fact release more harmful gases than Joe Biden, John Kerry, and Nancy Pelosi combined. However, I believe Eric Swalwell still has a nuclear exchange beat on the noxious gas front.
Luckily Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D, Socialist) has a contingency plan. She assures us that she can correct the damage from a nuclear conflagration with adequate taxpayer funding. She will just resurrect and resubmit the Green New Deal legislation. Of course, it’s estimated cost will need to increase from $93T to $150T to cover the additional carbon load.
That sounds expensive, but you need to keep in mind that it will also pay for universal healthcare to cover radiation sickness. Under the healthcare provisions, free abortions will also be available to ensure that the birth rate doesn’t get out of hand after the nuclear holocaust. Keep in mind that after the big bang, there won’t be any more Big Bang Theory reruns to occupy everyone’s leisure time. Free abortions may be absolutely essential to avoid accidental repopulation of the Earth. Oh, and one more thing, there will also be free sex change surgeries – assuming the genetic mutations don’t already take care of that.
And you thought she was just another junior congresswoman from the Bronx. It turns out, she is a truly strategic thinker. I hear she makes a mean Manhattan too.
Even Al Gore (the guy that invented the internet) has come up with a solution to nuclear induced climate change that’s quite elegant — carbon offsets! Simply provide adequate funding to plant enough trees to offset the greenhouse gases from a noxious release – the nuclear kind, not the Swalwell kind.
Critics complain about the plan because the benefits from planting trees will not be realized for decades. Gore has countered with an ingenious method to expedite the process. We can issue contracts to clear cut every forest in North America, South America, and Europe. Then we can simply cancel the contracts. Per the carbon offset rules (which Gore wrote), we can then claim credit for not cutting down the trees that were scheduled to be cut down. And it will only cost approximately 2% of the world’s GDP – to cover the administrative costs of not cutting trees down.
World leaders will be meeting in Davos Switzerland in the near future to discuss the plan – as soon as they’ve purchased adequate offsets to cover their air travel emissions. I wonder if those carbon offsets are affected by inflation too? Greta Thunberg is scheduled to be the keynote speaker. I hear the attendees are planning a drinking game based on how many times she says, “How dare He?”
Should a nuclear exchange actually occur, Envoy Kerry intends to take the matter to the International Criminal Court (ICC). So far in the Ukrainian war, the bombing of schools, hospitals, and civilian centers has not risen to the level of war crimes. However, dumping millions of tons of carbon onto an already ailing Earth is clearly a crime against Gaia – and people may get hurt to. As punishment, Envoy Kerry will ask that Russia be kicked out of the Paris Climate Agreement – that’ll teach those Ruskies.
Personally, I think his plan is strategically flawed. I think Kerry should go to the UN now, before the nuclear war, rather than the ICC after the war. Putting Mad Vlad on notice about the high stakes in this game may get him to surrender rather than risk his standing with the international climate change community.
Author Bio: John Green is a political refugee from Minnesota, now residing in Idaho. He currently writes at the American Free News Network and The Blue State Conservative. He can be followed on Facebook or reached at greenjeg@gmail.com.
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Very good. Thought I was on Babylon Bee.