Today in Cloft’s Corner, Dave tackles the critical, societal issue of drunk assault trucks…
In a stunning display of correlation-based crusading, a group of self-proclaimed “Karens” has emerged from the depths of suburbia, armed with their statistical prowess and signature haircuts. Introducing the “Sensible Moms Opposing Pickup Trucks,” or SMOPT, as they hilariously refer to themselves. Yes, folks, buckle up as we delve into the twisted logic behind their latest mission to rid the world of those dreaded assault drunk trucks.
According to the esteemed SMOPT, the statistical relationship between drunk driving incidents and pickup trucks is simply too compelling to ignore. Armed with their trusty spreadsheets and pie charts, these Karens have connected the dots and concluded that pickup trucks are nothing short of vehicular accomplices to inebriated mischief.
Their campaign centers around a simple yet bold notion: ban all pickup trucks. Because, as any rational person would deduce, removing the vehicle entirely from existence is the most logical solution to the problem of drunk driving. After all, if there are no pickup trucks, there will be no drunk drivers behind the wheels of said trucks. Genius, right?
Picture it: a world where the countryside echoes with the forlorn cries of contractors and outdoor enthusiasts who’ve been stripped of their beloved pickups. Their trusty steeds confiscated in the name of statistical convenience. Surely, a paradise where personal liberties take a backseat to a group of concerned moms who’ve mastered the art of manipulating data.
But let’s not get caught up in the absurdity of this crusade just yet. We must acknowledge the tireless work put forth by the Karens of SMOPT, compiling data from surveys conducted during their weekend brunches and fiercely debating their findings while sipping on Chardonnay.
In their noble pursuit, these courageous warriors refuse to let pesky details like individual responsibility or due process get in the way of their righteous mission. Why should we focus on punishing drunk drivers themselves when we can simply eliminate the vehicles they prefer? It’s a flawless logic that would make Socrates himself bow down in awe.
Now, imagine a world without pickup trucks. The farmers, the ranchers, and the adventurers will be left stranded, their trusty workhorses replaced by electric scooters or pedal-powered carts. But fear not, fellow citizens, for the Karens have assured us that public transportation and ride-sharing apps will fill the void left by the absence of these assault drunk trucks. Because, of course, nothing says freedom quite like cramming into a bus or relying on a stranger to drive you around.
In light of the World Cup soccer matches and this article, I am suddenly reminded of the Rush Limbaugh anti-soccer campaign Keep Our Own Kids Safe.
I hope my boss and our Fearless Leader will forgive me the indulgence in a little four-letter language required to give the ONLY appropriate response to such people (and yes there really ARE sorts that deranged out there)…
“Piss off, Karen.”
Please note that I do NOT use this language in a family-friendly venue lightly, especially when it’s MY job as moderator to keep the crud pressure-washed off our sidewalk and picked up off our lawn.
There is a term a rather, um, “alternative” friend of mine uses for this particular species of Karen. As she puts it:
“Lesbincel – a woman so ugly and angry that even other ugly angry women won’t give her any action.”