Move over COVID-19, there’s a new pandemic sweeping the nation—and this one isn’t infecting your lungs, it’s going straight for the brain. It’s called Woke Mind Virus (WMV), and doctors are ringing the alarm bells. Currently affecting 47% of the U.S. population, this mind-numbing condition is spreading faster than bad TikTok dance trends. Scientists are scrambling to create a vaccine at warp speed, but so far, the only preventative measures are a strict regimen of personal responsibility, hard work, and—wait for it—having a meaningful purpose in life.
What exactly is WMV, you ask? It’s a condition that leaves its victims obsessed with canceling everything they don’t like, virtue signaling their every move, and believing that their “lived experience” is all that matters. Experts recommend avoiding television and social media, where the virus is most contagious. The scariest part? The longer you’re exposed to it, the more you start to believe that feelings are facts and that working hard to improve your life is just a capitalist myth.
Authorities are urging the public to quarantine themselves from infected individuals immediately. The CDC now suggests staying away from woke-indoctrinated Instagram influencers and TikTok “activists” to prevent the spread. Those infected with WMV tend to preach constantly about social justice while doing nothing to actually make a difference. Be on the lookout for symptoms like extreme sensitivity, using words like “toxic” unironically, and an inability to have a reasonable conversation.
In terms of treatment, there’s no miracle drug on the horizon just yet, but researchers are seeing promising results from a groundbreaking combo of hard work, personal responsibility, and purpose-driven living. The side effects? You might become happier, more successful, and gasp more immune to pointless outrage. Doctors recommend integrating these into your daily routine, much like you would a balanced diet, except this one keeps your mind sharp and virus-free.
So if you want to stay healthy, turn off the TV, put down your phone, and focus on actually doing something productive with your life. Avoid humans who have already contracted WMV at all costs—they’re out there, and they’re ready to argue with you about anything. Stay safe, stay strong, and most importantly, stay woke-free!
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