Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We are sharing approximately every other story from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, and are now sampling Volume Three’s ninety chapters. In today’s episode from the first year of his regime, his soup aide talks to him about the football season, and a new college football cheer that’s been making the rounds.
Chili, Crowds, and Football Soup
Dateline: September 13. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir. I’m here with your soup.”
“Why you?”
“Okay, sir, I’ll bite. Why me?”
“Huh? Wait… I asked you a question.”
“Oh, I thought it was a riddle, sir.”
“It’s not a riddle! Who are you?”
“I’m Rocky, sir. I’m the temp who brings you soup each evening now, sir.”
“You are?”
“I am indeed, sir, at least, until I can’t stand it anymore, like all my predecessors, sir.”
“Look, it’s a busy day. If you don’t have anything worth saying, just leave the soup and go.”
“Well, sir, it’s called Football Soup. It’s basically a white chili soup, sir. In this case, the highlights are onions, beans, chili, chicken and cheese, sir.”
“Are there crackers?”
“Can’t eat chili without crackers, sir… especially not this weird white chili. So here’s your bowl of crackers, sir. Soup, crackers, napkins, spoons. Dig in, sir.”
“Doesn’t look like chili.”
“I know, sir. i think it needs tomato and beef, or they shouldn’t call it chili. But it is what it is, sir. Enjoy.”
“Why’d she pick a weird soup like this anyway?”
“Well, sir, I can’t read minds, but I assume it’s because football season is getting in gear, sir. A couple of games in, and football fans are packing the stadiums from coast to coast, sir.”
“They are?”
“Oh yes sir. College games have been full the last two weekends; tens of thousands of people packing the stands. It’s wonderful to see, isn’t it?”
“No. It’s scary.”
“What could be scary about it, sir? College students and alumni and their families have been packing the stadiums at college football games for a hundred years or more, sir. It’s a great American tradition, sir!”
“Well, so’s professional football.”
“The NFL, sir? Are they still around?”
“OF COURSE the NFL is still around!”
“Funny, once the NFL drove off all their fans, I would’ve thought they’d at least have the decency to fade into the forests and stay invisible for a few hundred years, sir.”
“Come on, man!”
“Sir, you like politics. Fine. And I can talk politics if I have to. Fine. But the American people don’t want our sporting events to be political. And the NFL was one of the first ones, a few years ago, to really make their sport political. The American people hate that. We want preaching in church, not in a football stadium, sir.”
“Man. Do people really eat this stuff while playing football?”
“No, sir. People watching football eat this soup, sir. Nobody eats it while playing the game, sir. It would be spilled, sir.”
“It would?”
“You can’t run up and down a field while holding a bowl of soup, sir.”
“Oh, right. You wouldn’t have a free hand to hold the football.”
“Can’t get anything past you, sir. No wonder you served in the senate for a hundred years.”
“You know, it’s not bad. Doesn’t taste like chili, but as long as we call it Football Soup, it’s fine.”
“Glad to hear it, sir. And hey, speaking of hearing things, have you seen any of the footage of the college games, sir?”
“Oh, no. I’ve been busy. You know, busy busy busy, every day. Meetings, briefing books, speeches, Smash Brothers…”
“Yes, sir. Well, sir, the college football teams have had some really terrific attendance the past couple of weeks, sir. Tens of thousands of people in the stands, cheering and eating and shouting, and just having a wonderful time. It’s terrific to see people enjoying big events again, sir, you know?”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. Sounds awfully irresponsible to me. Super spreader events.”
“Sir, seasonal flu season is starting. It’s always coincided with college football, sir. Some people always got the seasonal flu, and a tiny percentage of them died. It’s heartbreaking, sir, but it’s just life on earth, sir. No way to avoid it, sir. Covid is going to be like that now, too, sir.”
“Oh no. Gotta avoid crowds. Gotta get the jab… Gotta wear fabric on our faces and plastic face shields even when we’re alone in our cars… gotta buy hand sanitizer by the gallon.. and social dee… what is it… social dee… or, darn it… social dee… come on, you know the thing…”
“Social destruction, sir?”
“No, of course not!”
“Social destabilization, sir?”
“I told you to stop using big words!”
“Oh, sorry, sir. How about social distancing, sir? Is that what you’re thinking of, sir?”
“Huh? Yeah. Social distancing.”
“Do you remember, sir, how it started out as just a couple weeks of inconvenience, sir? We were told we should just shut down for a couple weeks to help the hospitals, sir. We went from, ‘Three weeks to slow the spread,’ to ‘A year and a half to make our overseers laugh.”
“Well, I certainly won’t be going to any games.”
“You don’t need to, sir. You’re on their minds even if you’re not in attendance, sir.”
“I am?”
“Why, certainly, sir. Haven’t you heard the new cheers, sir?”
“No. New cheers, huh?”
“Yes indeed, sir. Thousands of people in the stands each weekend are joining in, chanting a new cheer in your honor, sir.”
“Is that so?”
“It’s so nice to see college students, parents and alumni with their hearts in the right place, sir. Some of their chants are loud and clear. I’m not even a real football fan, sir. But that new cheer just speaks to me.”
“Is that so? What’s it about?”
“How’s your soup, sir? Is it good? Do you need more crackers?”
“Oh, sure. I’ll take seconds. And yes, bring me some crackers too.”
“Okay, sir. I’m on my way, sir. See you in a few minutes, sir.”
“What’s that cheer again?”
“Sorry, sir, can’t hear you… I’m on the stairs now, and you know how noisy they are…”
“But what if I hear the cheer and people expect me to sign autographs?”
“Sir, I can’t make a lot of promises these days, but I’ll guarantee you this, sir… the people shouting out their newest cheer won’t be nagging you for autographs, sir.”
“They won’t?”
“No, sir, they’d only want your autograph on one thing, and since it’s only been done once before, I think they all know the odds are against it, sir. When something hasn’t been done since August of 1974, I think you can probably figure it’s unlikely to happen again anytime soon, sir.”
“What’s this cheer again?”
“Oh, never mind, sir. Just enjoy your soup.”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. President of the Ethnic American Council in the 1980s and Chairman of the Milwaukee County Republican Party in the 1990s, his book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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