Ah, Michigan—land of great lakes, endless potholes, and the ever-expanding political theater of Governor Gretchen Whitmer. When she first graced us with her grand campaign promise to “fix the damn roads,” Michiganders dared to dream of a future where their vehicles wouldn’t need monthly alignments. But instead of asphalt, we got… lockdowns, lectures, and a Dorito-based sacrament that left even lapsed Catholics feeling uneasy.
Fixing the Roads—By Not Letting You Drive on Them!
Whitmer’s first step in her revolutionary road-repair strategy wasn’t an influx of construction crews or infrastructure investment. No, no, that would be too conventional. Instead, she opted for the elegant solution of locking everyone in their homes. Who needs smooth roads when you’re legally prohibited from driving? Genius, really. If you don’t leave your house, you won’t hit a pothole—it’s science.
Of course, while you were banned from buying gardening supplies and watching your elderly relatives suffer alone, Whitmer and her pals were still hitting the road for their own personal getaways. But that’s beside the point!
Doritos & Desecration—A New Public Works Initiative
Just when we thought Whitmer had run out of ways to irritate the working class, she blessed us with her latest spectacle: playing priestess in the Church of the CHIPS Act, offering up a sacred Dorito to a TikTok influencer as if she were distributing Holy Communion. If only she had that level of commitment when distributing actual road funding.
While Michigan’s roads remain a minefield of craters large enough to swallow small sedans, Whitmer is out here performing snack-based blasphemy. Perhaps we misunderstood her campaign slogan—maybe “fixing the damn roads” was actually code for fixing Michigan’s faith in government with performative internet stunts.
Surprise! More Taxes for the Same Potholes
But wait, there’s more! After six years, a 40% increase in state revenue, and a $9 billion surplus, Whitmer has a new solution: raise taxes again. Yes, despite the already exorbitant taxes Michiganders pay, she now insists that the only way to fix the roads is to dig deeper into your wallet.
It’s almost as if—stay with me here—she never intended to fix the roads with the money we were already paying. Instead, that cash seemingly disappeared into a black hole of “pet projects” and corporate handouts, while the roads themselves remained a post-apocalyptic obstacle course.
The Whitmer Way: Potholes, Pandemics, and Political Theater
So, here we are: still dodging potholes the size of moon craters while Whitmer plays influencer-in-chief. Instead of functional infrastructure, we get lockdowns, snack-based sacrilege, and the inevitable tax hikes that follow every bad policy decision.
At the end of the day, Whitmer will always find a way to shift the burden onto taxpayers while avoiding accountability. We elected her to fix the roads, not to jack up taxes to maybe fix them later. Michigan deserves better.
But hey, maybe if we just pray hard enough (and pay more taxes), she’ll actually do her job
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