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ITEM 1: ABC tweeted, “GM says tariffs could cost up to $5 billion. Is the admin open to giving automakers more relief?”
This begs for a Willy Wonka answer to those who weren’t American and did not buy American.
ITEM 2: Former second lady Doug Emhoff tweeted, “Today, I was informed of my removal from the United States Holocaust Memorial Council. Let me be clear: Holocaust remembrance and education should never be politicized.”
Biden appointed him 3 days before Trump’s inauguration.
ITEM 3: Pascal-Emmanuel Gobry tweeted, “French study confirms what we all knew and what American studies have shown: conservative young men have the highest levels of life satisfaction and psychological health, young leftists have the highest levels of depression.”
Which came first, the socialism or the depression?
ITEM 4: Peter A. McCullough tweeted, “Pfizer Recipients Face 37% Higher Risk of Death Than Moderna Recipients.”
Well, it is nice to know that now that everyone has taken the vaccine, scientists are studying it to see what it actually does.
ITEM 5: Senator Kennedy on AOC: “God gave her a Billy goat brain and a mockingbird mouth, you know?”
The Lord has a sense of humor. He gave us the platypus, the sloth and AOC.
ITEM 6: The College Fix reported, “U. Louisville cancels ‘Lavender Graduation’ ceremony for LGBTQ students.”
Louisville needs a gay George Wallace to say Lavender Graduation today. Lavender Graduation tomorrow. Lavender Graduation fo-ev-ah!
ITEM 7: Rupert Murdoch’s WSJ cried, “He’s Held in El Salvador’s Mega-Prison, Without Any Criminal Charges.”
Wow, Bukele is treating members of Tren de Aragua the way Biden treated J6 protesters. Cry harder, Rupert.
ITEM 8: The Washington Free Beacon announced, “Trump Admin Targets $500 Million Iranian Smuggling Network in Fresh Batch of Sanctions.”
45 years of sanctions haven’t done much but they have kept the corruption of the ayatollahs down. $500 million? Come on. How much oil is that? Elon Musk farts more money than that in a day.
ITEM 9: Gateway Pundit said, “A high-ranking official at the U.S. State Department has pleaded guilty to stealing more than $650,000 in taxpayer money—and the media is barely covering it.
“Levita Almuete Ferrer, 64, of Montgomery Village, Maryland—also known by her alias Levita Brezovic—admitted in federal court today to looting $657,347.50 from the State Department over a two-year span while working as a Senior Budget Analyst in the Office of the Chief of Protocol.”
She has an alias. Very good. I like old school crooks. You know if she were a man, she’d have a gun moll.
ITEM 10: WFIN reported, “Wisconsin judge accused of obstructing ICE could face years in prison, DOJ has ‘upper hand’: former prosecutor.”
She is Milwaukee County Circuit Court Judge Hannah Dugan, 65. Sadly, she does not have an alias. I suggest Heidi Hidem.
SubscribedITEM 11: CNBC reported, “U.S. Chamber of Commerce asks Trump for tariff exclusions to ‘stave off a recession.’ ”
Of course it does. The Chamber of Collaborators made us dependent on foreigners. Enjoy the shaved head haircuts, you sellouts.
ITEM 12: Axios reported, “Elon Musk and Tesla’s chair early on Thursday vehemently denied a Wall Street Journal report saying the EV company’s board had launched a search process for a new CEO to potentially replace the world’s richest person.”
Rupert bought the best paper in the USA and turned it into the Weekly Standard.
ITEM 13: Sur reported, “Electricity prices rise 450% after Spain’s blackout.”
Pay more for less reliable electricity.
ITEM 14: Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt told reporters, “I think I speak for everyone at the White House: we encourage Kamala Harris to continue going out and doing speaking engagements.”
Such good sports.
But Kamala’s speeches should come with your choice of French or Russian dressing.
ITEM 15: The Washington Free Beacon reported, “The Harvard Law Review is awarding a $65,000 fellowship meant to serve the public interest to Ibrahim Bharmal, the Harvard Law School student who faced criminal charges for assaulting an Israeli classmate, according to a new report.”
It is part of the nation’s oldest college’s Beat A Jew, Win A Prize promotion.
ITEM 16: TND reported that Bharmal also landed a law clerkship at the Public Defender Service for the District of Columbia.
Your tax dollars at work.
ITEM 17: NBC tweeted, “McDonald’s reports its worst quarterly sales for the U.S. since the height of the pandemic in 2020” with this picture:
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I have seen happier funeral parlors. Bring back the garish red-and-yellow plastic McDonald’s with playlands.
My children want the McPizzas back as well. They’re in their 40’s.
ITEM 18: CBS tweeted, “Astronaut Anne McClain joins all-female spacewalk—6 years after missing out over suit sizing issue.”
Suit sizing issue is a fancy way of saying a woman could not find a thing to wear.
ITEM 19: “Honey, does this spacesuit make me look fat?”
“No. All that food you ate does.”
ITEM 20: The Independent Newsroom reported, “FBI Places Censorship Agent Elvis Chan on ‘Terminal Leave.’ ”
We used to call them permanent vacations.
ITEM 21: Fox tweeted, “Joe and Jill Biden run to friendly show for first post-White House interview. Yes, it’s The View.”
Maybe Whoopi needed a medical doctor.
MONDAY IS CINCO DE MAYO:
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ITEM 22: National Review reported, “Trump Names Mike Waltz U.N. Ambassador; Rubio to Serve as Interim National Security Adviser.”
Oh, I did not fire the cat from poll writing. I made the cat ambassador to Mars and renamed her Nikki Haley Jr.
ITEM 23: Drudge linked a Daily Mail story, “TRUMP LAUNCHING HIS OWN DRUDGE REPORT USING TAXPAYER DOLLARS!”
The story said, “The founder of conservative news website Drudge Report said that he’s mulling a $1 trillion lawsuit against the Trump administration after it launched its own aggregation site that looks suspiciously similar.”
Discovery may reveal how much tax money the deep state paid him to turn on Trump.
ITEM 24: CNN said, “English Football Association to ban transgender women from women’s soccer.”
The cable channel said this will affect 20 trannies. Maybe they should compete as men.
Oh wait, they did—and they lost.
ITEM 25: The New York Post reported:
President Trump followed through on a promise to make Ukraine pay for its military aid with the new mineral rights agreement between Washington and Kyiv, which creates a new path for the U.S. to send weapons to the eastern European nation—without spending a single taxpayer dollar.
The agreement, inked on Wednesday after months of negotiations, created a shared investment fund to which both nations will contribute — including through oil, gas and mineral rights licenses sold in Ukraine — with the profits split 50/50.
Instead of investing money into the fund, the United States reserves the option to earn credit toward their total contribution equal to the cost of any military equipment, technology or training it sends across the Atlantic, according to the deal.
So Trump indeed is getting our aid money back. It sucks to be Germany and the rest of NATO.
ITEM 26: Campus Reform reported, “Yale University officially revoked the registration of its Students for Justice in Palestine chapter after members defied university warnings and staged an unauthorized encampment protest that allegedly included anti-Semitic harassment.”
You don’t have to do more than one (Columbia) to get them all to fall in line.
ITEM 27: CNBC reported, Red “China says it’s evaluating the possibility of trade talks with the U.S.”
The question for them is whether to bend the left or the right knee. Be safe, do both.
ITEM 28: Benny Johnson tweeted, “President Trump signs an executive order cutting off taxpayer funding for NPR and PBS.”
This should be no problem because NPR itself said, “Presently, NPR receives funding for less than 1% of its budget directly from the federal government, but receives almost 10% of its budget from federal, state, and local governments indirectly.”
Surely NPR can survive a 1% budget cut.
ITEM 29: Chuck Schumer: “Trump has the lowest 100 day approval rating since they started polling.”
Reporter: “A poll has your approval at 17%, lower than any other Congressional leader.”
Schumer: “Polls come and go.”
Unfortunately, senators do not.
ITEM 30: AP said, “Army plans for a potential parade on Trump’s birthday call for 6,600 soldiers, AP learns.”
Just now they are learning about it?
It is the Army’s 250th anniversary.
Revoke AP’s tax exemption because it has become the Weekly World News of wire services.
ITEM 31: ABC reported, “Trump says he’s ‘taking away’ Harvard’s tax exempt status.”
If he really wanted to hurt Harvard, he’d end its student visas. 27% of its student body are foreigners.
ITEM 32: From WSJ, the makers of “Dow Headed for Worst April Since 1932 as Investors Send ‘No Confidence’ Signal,’ ” comes “Trump’s First 100 Days Were Worst for Dow, S&P 500 Since Nixon.”
Nixon went on to become the first president to carry 49 states.
ITEM 33: In the first two days of May, the Dow Jones Industrial Average rose nearly 1,000 points.
It’s headed to 125,000 by the end of the year, right?
ITEM 34: Politico reported, “Ketanji Brown Jackson sharply condemns Trump’s attacks on judges.”
The Jasmine Crockett of the Supreme Court says what?
ITEM 35: Rob Pyers tweeted, “The new CEO of California’s High Speed Rail Authority unveils an ambitious plan to have trains running from Palmdale to Gilroy as soon as 2045.”
Only a government would pretend that a 20 year wait to get somewhere is high speed.
ITEM 36: AP reported, “Vatican firefighters install a chimney on the roof of the Sistine Chapel for the papal election.”
Black smoke means no one is elected, white smoke means someone is. How ordinary. They have been doing this for nearly 2,000 years. Time to upgrade that reveal party. Gets some balloons or confetti. Better yet, have drones create the image of the new pope above the Vatican.
ITEM 37: CBS tweeted, “The release of Grand Theft Auto 6 will be pushed back to May 26, 2026, Rockstar Games said in a statement on Friday. The game was expected to be released later this year.”
In California, it will be sold as a driver’s education supplement as it is now only a traffic ticket if the stolen vehicle is worth less than $250,000.
ITEM 38: Michelle Obama said, “How do you raise kids in the White House? It’s dangerous. As the first black potential president, we knew there would be death threats.”
Tell Melania about it.
More from MO: “How would we afford it? Because it’s expensive to live in the White House, as many people don’t know. I mean, much is not covered. You’re paying for every food, every bit of food that you eat.”
No one in America should live like that. Food is a right.
Well, she is out of the expensive White House now. She can relax in any one of her four mansions as she no longer has to worry about paying for food.
Finally, Jason Cohen tweeted with a video:
3 Black Trump Voters—who previously opposed Trump—tell CNN’s Van Jones why they flipped🚨
“Part of it is he’s an *sshole. I like authenticity.”
That’s the same reason I gave!
This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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