Don Surber’s take on this week’s offerings from the news media will make you think and often laugh out loud. Enjoy!
ITEM 1: It used to be all about the Benjamins. Thanks to Bidenflation, the $1,000 bill, which features President Cleveland, has replaced the $100 bill.
Now it is all about the Grovers.
OK, I used the line in a previous newsletter but a reader sent this image and it was too good to throw away.
ITEM 2: In a segment on Mitch McConnell’s hospitalization, CNN quoted a tweet from non-existent Congressman Jack Kimball.
Senators Anita Mann, Mike Hunt and Ben Dover must have been unavailable for comment.
ITEM 3: Democrats struggled to find a replacement for Graham “Cracker” Platner for the Senate in Maine.
Hard to nominate a normal person when your party has none.
ITEM 4: CNN tweeted:
The 2026 Dem insurgency is a new tea party on steroids
Approval of Own Party
🔵 Democrats 2026: 47%
🔴 Republicans 2010: 52%
House Members that have lost primaries:
🔵 Democrats 2026: 5
🔴 Republicans 2010: 2
Judging by what happened to the Tea Party, expect massive disappointment within the Vodka Party next year.
ITEM 5: France beat Morocco in that World Cup thingy. Moroccans tried to burn down the Eiffel Tower.
So I thank the USA team for tanking to Belgium because I would not want to have my Belgian waffles burnt.
The Moroccan moles also vandalized London, which was a relief to all the children they didn’t defile that night.
ITEM 6: The Patriot Front photo-bombed the celebration of America’s 250th.
They pose such a danger that no reporters interviewed them and CNN did not doxx any of them.
Did I spell “psyop” correctly?
ITEM 7: After Iranians reneged on the previous Memorandum of Understanding, the USA delivered a new one called Ka-Boom.
Welcome back to FAFO.
ITEM 8: Housing prices have fallen in Red China’s 70 major cities from a peak in September 2021 to a low that wipes out 20 years of gains.
They must have communist mayors like Chicago, LA and NYC do.
ITEM 9: Secretary Marco Rubio tweeted, “Laotian national Tou Lue Vang was convicted of sexually abusing a 10-year-old girl in Minnesota.
“He was set to be deported until Governor Walz issued him a pardon.
“Then, I revoked his legal status. ICE has removed him from the U.S. and he will never endanger another American.”
Too bad we couldn’t send Tampon Tim with him.
ITEM 10: For the last time, liberalism is NOT a mental illness.
NYT reported, “Democrats at every level of the party assumed that women who had supported Mr. Platner would be thrilled that he was being pushed out of the race. Instead, some women in this independent-minded slice of the country who powered the progressive upstart’s meteoric rise are angry and grieving.”
Never mind.
ITEM 11: Oregon Governor Tina Kotek signed legislation permanently eliminating the state’s requirement that high school students demonstrate proficiency in reading, writing, and math to earn a diploma.
Keep them dumb and ignorant and Democrat.
ITEM 12: Alabama police arrested Democrat Andrew Gillum for driving with meth, bongs and pot. He was on Hillary’s short list for VP in 2016 and Obama campaigned hard for him for governor of Florida in 2018.
Well, at least this time Gillum wasn’t found wasted in a motel room with gay prostitutes.
He’d make a good chef for the Obamas.
ITEM 13: An ICE agent shot and killed an illegal alien who rammed a federal vehicle.
The media says he’s a father of three who has lived in the country for 35 years. That means he had 35 years and 10 federal programs to get legal.
ITEM 14: Mitch McConnell has been in the hospital for a month and had a heart attack on Friday. Matt Drudge asked, “Cover up to avoid election?”
He was faking it only if he clutched his chest and hollered, “This is the big one, Elizabeth! I’m coming to join you, honey!”
ITEM 15: Charles Schwab held a half-billion bucks in escrow for Donald Trump until last August when judges defenestrated Tish James’s bogus lawsuit. Schwab used an automated trading program, which made 21,000 trades in 11 months and made a pile of money for Trump.
The president should thank New York’s attorney general for making all this possible.
ITEM 16: The Daily Mail reported, “Britney Spears horrifies drivers as she CLIMBS OUT of car roof on busy freeway months after DUI arrest.”
Remember when the New York Times campaigned to “Free Britney”?
ITEM 17: The U.S. House is expected to vote on abolishing the seasonal time changes. under the Sunshine Protection Act.
Eric Daugherty tweeted, “Get it done! This would mean no more changing the clock.”
Finally, voters will catch a break from Congress. Never mind the SAVE Act and passing a national concealed carry law. Changing the clock twice a year will save the public two minutes each year.
ITEM 18: Mossad tweeted, “Pakistan’s Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif says he spoke with Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian about the ongoing conflict, reaffirming Islamabad’s willingness to mediate.”
A ceasefire depends on whether the USA needs to reload.
There’s an old Persian saying—trust but obliterate.
ITEM 19: President Trump fired the remaining Democrat members of the independent Election Assistance Commission on Thursday.
I haven’t been this upset since my bank fired Willie Sutton from its board of directors.
ITEM 20: An official in Mayor Mamdani’s office tried meeting with Iran, but the State Department reminded her of the Logan Act.
Send this Juanita Valdez back to Colombia where she can pick coffee beans.
ITEM 21: Palm Beach’s airport officially became Donald J. Trump International Airport and Casino.
OK, I added the casino part.
ITEM 22: This week’s reason for hating Mark Zuckerberg: Meta’s data center in Wyoming contaminated Cheyenne’s water supply.
Hear me out. We build a human-sized hamster wheel and have Zuckerberg generate all the electricity Meta needs.
Ever notice that when the crowd that pushes solar power and windmills suddenly want coal, which generates 60% of the electricity used in Wyoming, which is the No. 1 coal state in the nation—by far.
ITEM 23: Media-ite reported, “Former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is reportedly divorcing husband Bryon in the wake of a bombshell report he was involved in the online cross-dressing scene.”
She’s just mad because he looks better in heels.
ITEM 24: Palantir’s Chief Tech Officer said, “For $10 billion, Elon Musk put 300 rockets in orbit. For $11 billion, the state of California has built 1,600 feet of elevated rail—with no rail.”
To be fair, Musk didn’t have to pay off any stooges, inspectors and regulators.
ITEM 25: The low-budget movie Young Washington opened and topped Supergirl at the box office. 294 years old and GW is still kicking butt.
But I was surprised that it wasn’t a Mel Brooks production like Young Frankenstein. Come on. They could have at least included a musical number with Dancing Hessians.
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