Asked my wife if she is my brother. She said no. I was relieved until she added, I am your sister.
It’s been another week of so-called news and Don Surber is a master of translating exactly what is behind the nonsense the legacy media reports. And he does it with style and a sharp wit. Enjoy!
ITEM 1: Putin released retired teacher Stephen Hubbard, 74, who was held hostage for 4 years.
Trump did not have to trade an international arms dealer for him but the downside is, Hubbard won’t be playing in the WNBA.
ITEM 2: Fox reported, “California nurse’s husband claimed ICE took her—now he’s charged with murder. Burned and buried remains found 70 miles from the couple’s Sacramento home were confirmed as the missing nurse.”
Shouldn’t that read, “Distraught husband said ICE took his wife away. Police later found her dead 70 miles away”?
ITEM 3: Ilhan Omar’s husband (the one who isn’t her brother) sold millions of dollars worth of wine that turned out to be nothing but empty barrels.
This gets around the whole Islamic ban on selling wine because the Big Mo said nothing about selling empty wine barrels.
ITEM 4: PJ Media reported, “In a surprise move, Disney announced Wednesday that it’s shutting down FiveThirtyEight as part of sweeping layoffs affecting approximately 200 positions—about 6% of its workforce—across ABC News Group and Disney Entertainment Networks.”
Wow. Disney is dumping its most prolific producers of fiction.
ITEM 5: Study Finds reported, “Most GLP-1 Users Say They No Longer Recognize Themselves In The Mirror, For Better Or Worse.”
I am so old that I remember when lose 10 pounds of ugly fat and cut off your head was just a joke.
ITEM 6: On Sunday, gangs ambushed four Salvadoran aviation technicians (non-combatants supporting medical evacuations) with the UN-authorized Gang Suppression Force in Haiti.
Bukele sent in 3,000 soldiers to hunt for the four techs. Guatemalan troops are backing El Salvador up.
Welcome to the Shield of the Americas is real. My guess is they will act more like the IDF than NATO.
ITEM 7: In college football news, Brigham Young University defeated Notre Dame.
I like their uniforms, especially the Fighting Irish helmets.
ITEM 8: In NFL news, the Saints and the Steelers are playing in Paris on Sunday morning.
Do they still make asbestos uniforms?
ITEM 9: ABC tweeted, “A Florida teen is speaking out after her parents—who were undocumented—were deported after being placed in Border Patrol custody, leaving her to take care of her younger siblings still in the U.S.”
Taxpayers would have paid to fly the whole family to Guatemala. Instead, the parents decided to abandon their children to their eldest child. I call them our parents of the season, or POS for short.
ITEM 10: Hen Mazzig tweeted, “Israel has banned United Airlines pilot Sina Amjadian from flying aircraft into Israel after numerous pro-terror posts were found on his social media accounts. He praised Hezbollah and the regime in Iran.
“Would United let him fly their planes into New York City?”
Well, it is not like someone is going to fly a plane into a building.
(In Gilbert Gottfried voice) Too soon?
ITEM 11: Senator Elissa Slotkin, D-Ranged Michigan, said, “Right in the last two weeks of the election, they [Trump’s administration will] somehow come up with a national security incident that only they can protect us from.”
Elect retired CIA agents, get paranoia.
ITEM 12: CBS Evening News with Tony Dokoupil tweeted, “Some parents are ditching plates and silverware for a dump dinner, pouring the meal straight onto a foil-covered table and letting the kids dig in. For these families, it’s less about manners and more about making memories.”
You heard of raised by wolves? These kids are raised by pigs.
ITEM 13: (In Carmac the Magnificent voice) A poster with three Bottoms.
(In Ed McMahon voice) What is this?
 |
ITEM 14: BBC tweeted, “Bush clan members back Democrat James Talarico in Texas Senate race.”
They’re finally out of the closet. His turn.
ITEM 15: ABC tweeted, “Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy told ABC News’ James Longman on Friday that the Starlink network is still not working, despite assurances from President Trump.”
Sounds like Ukrainian IT sucks.
ITEM 16: Marlene Robertson tweeted, “PM Mark Carney has confirmed he’s cutting ties with Musk and Starlink and heavily backing a $2.3 billion contract with Telesat Lightspeed. Musk and his mood swings has shown us who he is and we believe him.”
So who is going to launch Lightspeed into orbit? Santa Claus?
(Narrator’s voice) The goal is to keep Canadians from having Internet access that their government does not control.
ITEM 17: Religion explained.
But nuns do fly.
ITEM 18: Trumpenfreude explained.
The New York Post tweeted, “Minneapolis restaurant that offered free meals to protest ICE raids announces closure.”
ITEM 19: AP said, “Blistering record heat in Europe this summer helped kill more than 50,000 people, with nearly two-thirds of that death toll blamed on human-caused climate change, a new study found.”
Ironically, fossil fueled air conditioning would have saved that “nearly two-thirds.”
COMMENT OF THE WEEK: Wm. R. Bridgeman posted, “I recently saw a cartoon take on an old saying …
“First they came for the Gypsies, and I said nothing for I am not a Gypsy.
“Then they came for the Somalis, and I said ‘make sure you get ‘em all!’”
ITEM 20: The New York Post tweeted, “Italian priest gives middle finger to mob of masked rioters who chased scared tourists into church.”
 |
Father Giannicola Maria Simone. He doesn’t stand for any of your BS at confession.
ITEM 21: Will Chamberlain tweeted, “The en banc Fifth Circuit just held, 11-6, that illegal aliens caught in the interior can be detained without bond for the duration of their removal proceedings.”
Commies: That’s unconstitutional.
Article IV, Section 4 (the Guarantee Clause): “The United States shall guarantee to every State in this Union a Republican Form of Government, and shall protect each of them against Invasion; and on Application of the Legislature, or of the Executive (when the Legislature cannot be convened) against domestic Violence.”
ITEM 22: Media-ite reported, “Politico Responds to WH Threat With Major Correction to One of Its Stories—But Argues Errors Aren’t Grounds For Censorship.”
Telling someone to correct an error is not censorship just as going after a president tooth and tong is not journalism.
ITEM 23: Actress Christina Applegate revealed she was misdiagnosed as having multiple sclerosis. The same thing happened to my sister.
Megyn Kelly said, “She has no idea what she actually has, and I just think this is like the problem with celebrities, wanting to lean into their health problems, and ‘now I will be the face of MS.’ And I’m sure there are a lot of MS sufferers out there who are like, ‘What? And she’s crying because she doesn’t have MS?’ She’s crying now because I guess she no longer gets to be the face of this disease, and as she says, she’s back to ‘square one.’ She’s made like a cottage industry of talking about her MS.”
Yes. We need to give Applegate MS to punish her.
Kelly is now the female Tucker Carlson. Make that white female. I forgot about Candace Owens.
TWEETS OF THE WEEK:
Always something there to remind him.
Read this in Andy Rooney’s voice.
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This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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