Another week of crack journalism has passed and the examples simply become fodder for the Surber sarcasm machine. Enjoy!
ITEM 1: Science Alert reported, “Blocking a Single Immune Signal Made Old Mice Act Young Again.”
The story didn’t say if there was a cocoon involved.
ITEM 2: Citizen Free Press reported, “A Nigerian chieftain billed Medicaid more than $36 million, then snapped up luxury properties in California and built a magnificent palace in Abatete, Nigeria—including a golden statue of himself.”
And we wonder why Nigerian princes still email us.
ITEM 3: ABC reported, “Trump gave gifts totaling $155,000 to 4 White House aides, including Natalie Harp.”
All Cheapskate Clinton gave Monica Lewinsky was a cigar.
ITEM 4: Iran International reported, “Iran to open registration for first foreign-currency investment fund.”
The initial investment is 2,279,000 rials—worth 92 cents.
ITEM 5: President Trump told Republicans of James Talarico, “He ran a campaign to ‘beat meat.’ He called it ‘beat meat.’ I don’t know what the hell he meant by that. He wants to ‘beat meat?’ I’m getting myself in trouble.”
Reminds me of the sign on the butcher shop: No one can beat our meat.
ITEM 6: Jock talkers on ESPN were shocked that LSU wanted to let players cut by NFL teams play on the college’s team.
ESPN also reported, “Leaders of the College Football Playoff on Tuesday agreed to open a 30-day negotiating window with ESPN, signaling their greatest interest yet in a 24-team CFP field that could begin as soon as 2027.”
More teams means more games which means more money which means you’re going to need more players.
ITEM 7: This week marked the 25th anniversary of the creation of Islamophobia to protect acts of terrorism.
In response, this became the most popular retweet since Hillary said happy birthday to the first woman president.
ITEM 8: NBC News tweeted, “Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton warns that the Trump administration isn’t doing enough to monitor and thwart terrorists who still pose a threat to the U.S., 25 years after the 9/11 attacks.”
I have an idea on how to thwart terrorists. Let’s bomb the country that sponsors Hamas, Hezbollah and the Houthis.
ITEM 9: President Bush said, “I became a wartime president. There’s no doubt in my mind that this was not a law enforcement event. This was a war.”
He was a wartime president—a very poor one.
ITEM 10: Zero Hedge reported, “China’s Sinopec, the world’s top refiner by capacity, expects Chinese oil demand to drop by 8.9% in 2026 from a year earlier amid demand destruction from higher oil prices and the acceleration of electric vehicle adoption.”
That is twice the drop the USA suffered. Maybe helping Iran wasn’t Xi’s smartest move.
ITEM 11: Kellie Farina, a juror in the Lindsay Clancy mistrial, said of the lone juror opposed to letting her walk, “he had the hardest time getting off the fact that Lindsay viciously killed her children.”
The kids are having a hard time getting over it as well.
ITEM 12: The New York Post tweeted, “Lindsay Clancy on 24/7 suicide watch after mistrial, lawyer says: ‘I worry about her every day.’”
Can we send in the team that watched Jeff Epstein?
ITEM 13: Jill Filipovic wrote of the Clancy debacle, “I suspect, instead, that many people—especially people who have not borne children, especially people who put much stock in traditional gender roles, and especially people who take a more simplistic black-and-white worldview—simply cannot wrap their minds around the fact that sometimes, even good mothers can crack up with the most unthinkably awful results.”
Filipovic has no children. She did have an abortion. But she did stay at a Holiday Inn Express.
Let’s compromise. Accept the insanity plea and lobotomize Clancy.
ITEM 14: The Poynter Institute did a story on a chain of newspapers cutting staff. It said, “When Marbin Miller first joined the Miami Herald in 2000, the newsroom had roughly 300 journalists. With the layoffs and eliminated vacant positions, it will have fewer than 50—a blow to the city’s largest media outlet.”
An 83% drop.
In 2000, circulation was 338,800. Today it is 12,363—plus 30,840 digital subscribers.
An 87% drop.
Dairies laid off milkmen when people started buying milk from the stores.
ITEM 15: Citizen Free Press tweeted, “Markwayne Mullin drops major hint on criminal case against Ilhan Omar.”
Sure. And she’ll go to jail right after Hillary.
ITEM 16: ABC reported, “The former treasurer of a high school football booster club in California faces federal charges, with prosecutors alleging she stole more than $400,000 from the organization to pay her mortgage and other personal expenses.”
A high school booster club in California had $400,000 to steal? I could see if it were Texas, but California? Come on.
ITEM 17: Headline: “Supreme Court Grants Stay in Missouri Redistricting Dispute, Meaning the 2022 Map Will Be Used for the 2026 Midterms.”
They already used the 2026 maps for the primaries. This is what happens when you have judges who never held elected office.
ITEM 18: To avoid federal law that he must give equal time to Ken Paxton, Jimmy Kimmel aired his interview with Freako Talarico on You Tube instead of Kimmel’s The Manless Show.
Kimmel then said Trump censored him.
ITEM 19: Reuters reported, “German Bundesbank President Joachim Nagel said on Thursday he is concerned about the rise of far-right parties in Europe, following the Alternative for Germany’s election success in the eastern state of Saxony-Anhalt.”
It’s easy to stop the far-right. Just stop bringing in unaccompanied Muslim men of military age.
ITEM 20: Mike Konczal asked, “Why Are Women Over 100% of the Jobs Gained Under Trump’s Second Term?”
Maybe because Trump is not a misogynist who sniffs the hair of little girls, unlike that other fellow.
ITEM 21: The Center for Immigration Studies tweeted, “Since January 2025 when President Trump took office, data shows an unprecedented 2.9 MILLION DECLINE in the foreign-born population—naturalized citizens, lawful permanent residents, long-term temporary visitors, and illegal immigrants.”
3.1 million of the 2.9 million departing were illegal aliens. But yes, list all those other categories.
ITEM 22: Dr. Calum Miller tweeted, “The UK Parliament has voted by 286-270 to REJECT assisted suicide/euthanasia.”
Replies consist of people saying to the government thank you for not killing me. The 21st century is dumb.
ITEM 23: Jeff Bezos’s WaPo reported, “Woman deported to Afghanistan in first use of Alien Terrorist Removal Court.”
She’s an Afghani who admitted being an alien terrorist.
She should have pled post-partum depression.
ITEM 24: NBC reported, “A man has been arrested in the death of Tasia Fortune, the 29-year-old black woman who was found hanging from a tree in Mississippi last month, police announced Friday.”
The story didn’t mention the suspect is black. But it did include this quote from Jackson Police Chief RaShall Brackney, “We understand the questions and the desire for answers given Mississippi’s history.”
Gotta keep the racist fires stoked because reparations are just around the corner.
ITEM 25: The New York Post reported, “‘Right-hand-man’ son of genocidal Somali dictator who killed 200,000 found living in Ohio, linked to $1.8 million Medicare firm.”
As Democrats say, diversity is our kickback, um, I mean strength.
Finally, conservatives wonder how we can fix Hollywood. It is too woke and going broke. Whatever happened to the great storytellers, conservatives wonder.
I say bring back the Jews. They founded Hollywood:
- Adolph Zukor (Paramount)
- Carl Laemmle (Universal)
- William Fuchs (Fox)
- Louis B. Mayer and Samuel Goldwyn (MGM)
- The brothers Wonskolaser (Warner Brothers)
- Harry Cohn (Columbia)
There were Gentiles as well, but Jews gave us most of the good movies. They told great tales and didn’t try to proselytize. We still eat bacon, right? Jews are great storytellers. They wrote the best-selling book of all time—and it’s non-fiction.
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This article first appeared on Don Surber’s Substack. Reprinted here with permission.
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