Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We continue reprinting roughly every other chapter from Volume Two. In today’s episode, Joe Buckstop meets a new soup aide, Porter Norfolk, and learns a few things. But will he remember them?
Constitutions, Elections, and Norfolk Dumpling Soup
Dateline: July 9. Begin Transcript:
“Hello? Anybody there?”
“Who is it?”
“Umm… I’m here to deliver some soup… am I in the right place?”
“Sure, come on down. I’m always ready for soup!”
“Well, uhh… good evening, sir. I’m just here with your soup, sir. Where do I serve it, sir?”
“Oh, right here…. Let me move my game controllers here… I was just practicing Mario-Kart in case I ever play against my granddaughter again. Let’s see… okay, just set it right here!”
“Okay, sir… let’s see…. here’s your soup, and your crackers, and, wow, they sent quite a stack of napkins, there must be twenty here… and… three spoons?”
“Right, that’s great. Mmm…. what is it?”
“It’s chicken dumpling soup, sir… kind of funny coincidence, it’s Norfolk Dumpling Soup, sir.”
“Oh? What’s funny about that?”
“Oh, right, sorry, sir, I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Porter Norfolk, sir.”
“Oh. What’s funny about that?”
“Uh, nothing, sir, but the soup and I have the same name, so it just struck me as funny, sir. As a coincidence, sir.”
“Oh. Okay, if you say so. What does it mean?”
“Um, just that it’s a dumpling soup, named after a town in England, sir. Norfolk, England, sir.”
“Oh. And your name?”
“Just happens to be the same, sir. First name Porter, sir. Porter Norfolk, sir. Pleased to meet you, sir.”
“Interesting name. There a story behind it?”
“Just a family name, I guess. Goes back to when ancestors came over from the UK, hundreds of years ago, sir.”‘
“Oh. No, I meant your first name.”
“Oh, right. Porter. Yes, that’s not from my family…. My grandfather’s favorite singer when my dad was a little boy. Grandpa used to watch his show on TV, and Dad named me after him.”
“Really. Who are you talking about?”
“Porter Waggoner, sir. Country singer, had a TV show in the 1960s and 70s, sir.”
“Oh. Never heard of him.”
“Well, anyway, that’s me, sir. Porter Norfolk.”
“Where did you come from?”
“Uh, well, I came here straight from my house, sir. In Elsmere, sir.”
“No… I mean, where did you come from?”
“Sorry, sir, I don’t understand…”
“Who sent you?”
“Well, your cook, sir.. she handed me this tray and told me what it was, then sent me down.”
“Come on, man! Are you from State, or Interior, or Defense? Where are you from?”
“OH, you mean my job… I’m sorry, sir… I didn’t know what you meant. I’m from the temp agency, sir. The one that your cook hires assistants through, sir. I’m a temp, sir.”
“Ah. Got it. What’s your name?”
“Porter Norfolk, sir.”
“Oh. Okay. I’ll never remember that.”
“Um… I have no response to that, sir.”
“No matter. Good soup. Really good.”
“Glad to hear it, sir. Should I stick around, sir, or do you have work to do, sir? I’m new, so I don’t exactly know the expectations, sir…”
“Oh, we usually talk about my day, as I eat my soup.”
“Oh, well, okay… how was your day, sir?”
“Awful. Signed a big fat executive order today. Soon as I issued it, people started complaining.”
“Well, sir, that’s only to be expected, I guess.”
“Why? Why should complaining be expected? Why don’t they just accept it and move on? Fools don’t know what’s good for them.”
“Uh, well, sir, considering the size and scope, sir, your team couldn’t have been surprised that it was met with concern, sir, you know?”
“How’s that?”
“Well, sir, it’s huge, sir. For one executive order… 72 separate initiatives, covering dozens of different agencies… lots of it unconstitutional… your office had to know it would run into a brick wall, right?”
“Don’t mention the wall.”
“I mean, this thing’s going to be met with a ton of lawsuits… Why not do things through legislation, sir?”
“It takes forever to get anything through Congress.”
“Well, sir, yes…. I mean, that’s the whole point, after all.”
“Huh?”
“Well, you know… the Framers’ plan… make legislation go through a few steps, so that we don’t just have flurries of new laws all the time. So the government doesn’t fly off and do all kinds of unnecessary or destructive things on a whim all the time. It makes sense, sir.”
“No it doesn’t. I won, and I get to implement my initiatives!”
“Wrong on all three, sir.”
“Hey, stop mumbling, kid. I can’t hear a word.”
“Oh, sorry. Well, just that, that’s not how it works, sir. You must know that, sir!”
“No, I don’t.”
“Well, sir, I mean, the Framers’ plan was a constitution, sir. The voters don’t really vote on initiatives or plans or programs at all. They vote on who shall have the honor of doing what the Constitution allows them to do. Not to do anything they want, sir, just to do what the Constitution allows. You know that, sir.”
“Why do you keep telling me what you think I know? Don’t you dare assume I know anything!”
“Umm… all right, sir… sorry… I just assumed… you have a law degree and all… and you spent, like, half a century in Washington…”
“So? What does THAT have to do with anything?”
“Well, I mean, being there that long and all, you must know the Constitution backward and forward, right?”
“Other people can read that stuff. I’ve always been busy making contacts, and fundraising, and getting my legislation passed.”
“But that’s the point, sir. The Framers didn’t design the system to allow most of that kind of legislation.”
“You keep talking about old white men. I don’t care about the framers. I couldn’t care less about a bunch of old white men.”
“But, umm… you’re an old white man, sir.”
“Come on, man! Now listen here, you lying dog-faced pony soldier… I was elected to do things. And I’m doing them. Don’t care whether it’s through executive orders or bills or what.”
“Well, sir, I’m just saying… you can’t be surprised when people who disagree take you to court over their unconstitutionality, sir.”
“Well, what’s the point of getting into politics if you don’t DO things, kid?”
“Well, sir, for a lot of people, sir, that’s the whole point. I think the Founding Fathers wanted people to get into politics SPECIFICALLY to keep the government from doing things, sir. That’s what the Constitution is for, sir. To stop the government from overstepping its bounds, sir.”
“Look, kid, here’s the deal: I won. That’s what matters.”
“Well, no you didn’t, and no it’s not.”
“Huh?”
“How’s your soup, sir? Is it good?”
“Umm, yeah, really good. I think I’d like another bowl.”
“Shall I go back upstairs now and get you another helping, then, sir?”
“Yeah, and don’t forget my crackers!”
“Yes sir. You’re crackers. After today, I will never forget that, sir.”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Two, from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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