Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We are sharing approximately every other story from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, and are now sampling Volume Three’s ninety chapters. In today’s episode, President Buckstop’s new soup aide asks the old man about crime.
Crime and Criminals, Borders and Maryland Style Crab Soup
Dateline: August 9. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir… Good evening, sir. Sir? May I come in, sir?”
“Huh? Oh, just a minute! … hmm… low on health… maybe that gem… Got it! … that should help… Huh? Wait a minute… OH DAMMIT !!!”
“Sir? What’s wrong, sir? Are you all right?”
“Oh, yeah, never mind, never mind. Just, umm.. finishing something up here. Come in, come in.”
“Good evening, sir. I have your soup here, sir… Maryland Style Crab Soup, sir.”
“What makes it Maryland style?”
“I’m afraid I don’t know, sir.”
“Well, is it good?”
“I didn’t make it, sir. But it’s hard to imagine a crab soup not being good, sir.”
“Hmm. Sure. Well, go ahead, go ahead… put it down…”
“Here you are, sir. Soup, crackers, napkins, and … the three children’s soup spoons, as usual. It’s the oddest thing, sir…”
“No, it’s fine, it’s fine. Mmm… Smells good. What did you say it’s called again?”
“Your cook called it Maryland Style Crab Soup, sir.”
“Mmm… And who are you again?”
“I’m Russell Rhoades, sir. I’ve been here four nights in a row now, sir.”
“Oh, yes, of course. Right. Every night. You bring down my soup.”
“Yes sir.”
“What’s your name again?”
“Russell Rhoades, sir.”
“Hmm… Any relation to Hampton Roads? There’s a very famous person in Virginia named Hampton Roads. Or maybe he’s in North Carolina. I can’t remember now. Can’t place him, come to think of it…”
“Sir, umm… Hampton Roads isn’t a person. It’s a region around the Chesapeake Bay, sir.”
“Oh. So… then… you’re NOT related?”
“I don’t know how to answer that question, sir.”
“Mmm… Well, with practice, I’m sure you’ll manage eventually.”
“While you’re eating, sir… I was just wondering, sir. There was a news story today, that got me wondering something, sir.”
“Well… mmm… I’m eating, but go ahead. What’s on your mind?”
“Well, sir, the news is full of reports about all the shootings last weekend in Chicago, sir. Heck, every weekend, frankly, but especially last weekend, sir.”
“It’s these violent video games. That’s what’s behind it. All these shoot-em-up video games. It’s no wonder people shoot everybody nowadays.”
“Sir, there are no studies indicating any connection between violent video games and the gangland shootings of our big cities, sir.”
“Oh. Well then we need to commission some studies, huh? No problem, I’ll just write up an executive order…”
“NO, sir! Please, no, that’s not what I meant, sir. There ARE studies, they just haven’t confirmed your suspicion, sir.”
“My what?”
“Your suspicion, sir. The studies give the impression that the violent thugs who commit the vast majority of the shootings do not spend their time playing video games, sir. They spend their time outside, with their gangs, or committing crimes, or loitering, or partying, sir, but video games aren’t the reason for their crimes, sir.”
“Oh. Well, then it’s the guns. Plentiful guns. Guns everywhere.”
“Sir, there have been plentiful guns all over America ever since the War of Independence. Americans are hunters, target marksmen, police and military, and retired police and retired military, and always have been, sir. The vast majority of gun owners never commit a crime with a gun, sir.”
“Well, what are you complaining about, then, kid?”
“Kid, sir?”
“Well, what else am I going to call you? You want me to call you old man?”
“No, sir, I just thought you addressed your aides by name, no matter whether they’re important cabinet secretaries… or not, sir.”
“Oh. Well, okay then… What’s your name?”
“Russell Rhoades, sir.”
“Oh, yes. Right. Russell Rhoades. Good name. I’ll never remember it.”
“I see, sir. Well, good to know where one stands, anyway.”
“Oh, no, feel free to sit down. I’m just eating soup here.”
“No, sir, I meant… oh… never mind. Anyway, sir, in Chicago last weekend, there were about 90 shootings, sir. Thirteen fatally, sir.”
“Well, it’s Chicago.”
“Yes sir, I understand, but it’s been getting worse the past couple of years, sir. Way worse.”
“So what’s your point?”
“Well, it’s become a sort of national poster child for the problem of big city crime, sir.”
“Huh? Poster child? What do you mean?”
“Yes sir. Chicago is emblematic of the problems of America’s big cities, sir. So people refer to it as a poster child for that problem, sir.”
“Cool!”
“Cool, sir?”
“Well, sure! I didn’t know there were poster children. I thought they had to wait until they were 18 or something…”
“Uhh… sir… umm… I have no response to that.”
“This IS good soup.”
“Very happy to hear it, sir. I’ll tell you cook.”
“You do that. Mmmm.”
“Well, sir, what I was wondering, sir… is that all the cities that have these issues, have exactly the same circumstances, sir.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, sir, they’re all sanctuary cities, sir. Chicago, Baltimore, Los Angeles, New York, Philadelphia… They’re all inviting large numbers of illegal aliens in, all the time, and that’s a group that includes a disproportionately high number of gang members, sir.”
“Coincidence.”
“And they all have a long history – going back generations – of driving out productive manufacturers, basically removing gainful employment and good adult role models from poor and lower middle class neighborhoods, sir.”
“Oh… that doesn’t have anything to do with it.”
“And they’re all in states where they’ve recently turned away from imprisoning criminals, sir… they throw open the prison gates for mass releases, or even when they convict people, they sentence them to time served so they get right out, sir… or they just refuse to prosecute at all, sir.”
“Immaterial.”
“Immaterial, sir?”
“Sure! Pretty good word, huh? I like it. It’s a good word for a kid from Scranton.”
“I don’t see how this can be immaterial, sir… obviously if there are more hardened criminals on the streets, there’s going to be more crime. A city, county or state that intentionally let’s known, convicted violent criminals to go around free is obviously going to have an ever increasing number of violent crimes, sir.”
“Not necessarily.”
“Why do they put up with it, sir? EVERYONE knows what we need to do to reduce crime, sir. It’s not like it’s in doubt.”
“What’s that?”
“I said, sir, everyone knows how to fix the problem, sir.”
“Right. Ban guns.”
“Oh, come on, sir… this is serious. It’s so simple, we need to close the border and return to tough prosecution and sentencing of violent criminals. And stop these idiotic mass releases at the drop of a hat.”
“Come on, man!”
“What i don’t understand, sir, is why you and the political leaders – of both sides – don’t unite to solve these problems. They shouldn’t be partisan, you know, sir?”
“Everything’s partisan.”
“Only because you make it, so, sir.”
“No, I didn’t make it. It is what it is.”
“Sir, if you poll your constituents, sir, you’ll find that these issues are almost unanimous, sir. All sides of the political aisle, sir: from conservative to liberal, most Americans support immigration law and the prosecution and sentencing of violent criminals.”
“Not an option.”
“What do you mean, sir?”
“You don’t know the whole story.”
“Sure I do, sir! There’s a constant flood of violent people, coming over the border and attracted by sanctuary cities, and flooding out the sidewalk from prison gate mass openings, sir.”
“Well, then there’s just one thing to do. Stay out of those places.”
“Sir, it’s not that simple. You could close the border to all but legal immigrants, sir… you could do it in a heartbeat , if you wanted to. So why don’t you?”
“Come on, man!”
“I’m serious, sir. This is something I just don’t understand, sir. I’m studying for criminal justice, sir. I’m trying to understand how all this works, politically, sir. These crazy policies can’t possibly be popular, sir!”
“You’d be surprised, kid.”
“Sir, your constituents are not in favor of these insane, criminal-friendly conditions, sir.”
“That’s okay.”
“How can it be okay, sir?”
“Because i have other constituents who are fully in support of the current process.”
“But that’s crazy, can’t they tell that the current process is totally destructive, sir?”
“That’s a matter of opinion, son.”
“Opinion, sir? But this isn’t opinion, sir! Given these conditions, the result will always be crime, sir. It literally goes without saying, sir.”
“Don’t waste your time worrying about this stuff, kid. Study something else.”
“But sir, this is serious, sir! It’s turning our biggest cities into war zones, sir! It’s gotten so bad in a lot of them, sir, that they don’t even require people to post bond anymore! It’s like they actually WANT more crime, more rampant endangerment, more shootings, sir! Refusing to charge people a bond at all. It’s insane, sir!”
“Bond? What does Bond have to do with it?”
“Bail, sir. You know, when a criminal posts a bond so he can be let out of jail, sir?”
“Oh. I like Bond. Bond is great.”
“Yes sir, used right, sir, a bond can keep a criminal from jumping bail and fleeing, sir. Bonds are good tools, sir.”
“Bond is terrific. I’m a big fan. I liked Sean Connery the best. But that guy who only had the one movie… umm… the Australian guy in the kilt… boy, he was great.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“Yup, that guy in the kilt. Boy that guy must’ve had fun making that movie…”
“Sir, we weren’t talking about James Bond… we were talking about setting bond amounts to keep criminals in jail so we don’t let them all back onto the streets, sir.”
“I’d rather talk about James Bond.”
“But this is a current issue, sir, a very severe issue, and it’s nationwide, sir.”
“I wonder. I wonder if James Bond ate crab soup. Hmmmm…”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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