Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We are sharing approximately every other story from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, and are now sampling Volume Three’s ninety chapters. In today’s episode, President Buckstop’s soup aide inquires as to why the old man’s runningmate has been hiding her face lately…
Vice Presidents in Hiding, and Mannish Water Soup
Dateline: August 18. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir!”
“Who are you?”
“I’m Russell Rhoades, sir. Who are you?”
“Me? Oh, well, I’m … uhh… hey, come on, man! You know who I am! What’s going on, are you trying to confuse me?”
“Not at all, sir. I’m just here with your soup, sir.”
“Oh, is there soup? Are there crackers?”
“Yes sir. There are crackers. And the soup tonight is a Jamaican soup called Mannish Water, sir.”
“Oooh… Never heard of it. What’s in it?”
“Goat, sir. Goat and yams and bananas, and hot peppers, sir.”
“Oooh… how is it? Did you try some upstairs before you came down?”
“No, sir. I inquired, sir, and the cook slapped my hand away and said it was just for you, sir.”
“Oh, well, that’s saying something, huh? Hmmm… I remember liking goat, did she say what part it was? Like, is this from the rib or the leg, or the…”
“No, sir, she didn’t say.”
“But she might’ve…”
“No, sir, she didn’t say, sir. Just that I can’t try it, sir.”
“Oh. Awww…. oh well. “
“So I’ve been wondering, sir. If I could ask a question, sir.”
“Oh sure. Can’t hurt. Mmm… Good soup. Interesting…”
“Well, sir, I’ve been wondering where your runningmate is these days, sir.”
“Huh? Who?”
“Your runningmate, sir. I was told you don’t like people to refer to her by name, sir.”
“You’re damned right! Nothing but trouble…”
“Well, sir, I was wondering where she’s been lately, sir.”
“Who?”
“Uhh… the lady we were just talking about, sir.”
“Who’s that?”
“Your runningmate, sir.”
“Oh, HER !!!”
“Yes sir. Where’s she been, sir?
“I was just going to ask you!”
“Seriously, sir… she hasn’t appeared with you on any press conferences or anything, sir… And there’ve been rumors, sir.”
“Roomers? Don’t be silly. She doesn’t need to take in roomers.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“She’s paid pretty well… and she’s married to a rich guy now… and she’s got that funny-looking stepdaughter who models weird clothes.”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“You know, the girl who always looks like a dish brush got stuck in an dish rag.”
“Oh yes. I forgot about her, sir.”
“So they’re rich. They don’t need to take in roomers. She doesn’t have to come up with, uh, non-traditional ways to earn money anymore like she used to. Can’t imagine where you heard a thing like that.”
“No sir, there have been rumors… R.U.M.O.R.S., sir. Gossip, sir. Stories, guesses, theories, sir… about what she’s been doing lately while she’s out of the cameras, sir.”
“Well, she’s on her way to Singapore. Everybody knows that.”
“But she’s not supposed to be in Singapore until Saturday, sir, and she hasn’t been spotted in a week, sir.”
“Maybe she’s walking. It’s a long way, you know.”
“Across the Pacific Ocean, sir?”
“Well, okay, walking AND swimming, then.”
“I don’t think that can be it, sir.”
“Oh. Well, you’re right, the Pacific is too big to swim across.”
“I should say so, sir.”
“Maybe she’s going the long way round, and swimming across the Atlantic. That’s narrower.”
“Umm, yes, sir, you have me there, sir. The Atlantic is narrower.”
“Uh huh.”
“That’s quite a theory, sir. Can’t pull the wool over your eyes, sir.”
“Yup. Gotta wake up pretty early in the morning to, umm… what is it… to catch the worm. That’s it.”
“Well, sir, One of the theories that a lot of people had was that she’s been in for surgery, sir.”
“Oh? Why would that be?”
“Well, sir, when people in the public eye hide for an extended period of time, sometimes it’s because they don’t want it known that they’re in for something embarrassing or dangerous, sir.”
“Oh, yeah, you know, I’ve heard that too. Wonder.”
“Is there anything you know that she needs done, sir?”
“You mean like a face lift?”
“Well, I wasn’t going to guess that, sir, but yes, something like that, perhaps?”
“It’s possible. I doubt it, but it’s possible. i think it’d be a waste of time, however. She wouldn’t really need plastic surgery to look better.”
“No? Why not, sir?”
“All she really has to do is comb her hair forward so it covers her face. That’d be cheap, easy and quick.”
“I see, sir. Anything else you can imagine her doing? Maybe something she wouldn’t want known, sir?”
“Well, maybe she could do something about her throat.”
“Oh? What’s wrong with her throat, sir?”
“Come on, man! Haven’t you heard her? All she does is laugh all day and all night. Maybe they could do something about that.”
“I doubt that, sir. But I suppose anything’s possible, sir. I don’t think there’s an operation that stops a person from laughing, sir.”
“King Henry VIII had a pretty successful method…”
“I beg your pardon, sir?”
“Oh, never mind. Hmm… what were we talking about again?”
“You were thinking of possible reasons why she’s been out of sight for a week, sir. Thinking about possible health procedures, sir.”
“Could she be having liposuction?”
“Why would you expect that, sir?”
“Well, she’s from California, isn’t she? Don’t they all have liposuction out there?”
“I wouldn’t know, sir. Sounds rather extreme, sir. I wouldn’t say she’s that overweight, sir.”
“It’s California, though. Everybody does it.”
“Would explain a lot, sir. They might put in the hose wrong and suck out her brain.’
“Oh, so you think she’s already had it done, then, huh?”
“Well, interesting you should say so, sir.”
“Hmm… this is good soup, by the way. The meat is so interesting. You said it’s goat, right?”
“Yes sir.”
“What cut?”
“Oh, yes, sir, it’s cut. Otherwise it would be hard for you to chew, sir. So anyway, sir, we were talking about why your runningmate might be hiding.”
“Hiding? You think she’s hiding? You mean, you think she’s avoiding being seen with me?”
“Well, sir, a lot of us suspect that she doesn’t want to be photographed with you right now. Or maybe ever again, sir.”
“Come on, man! That’s not fair! We’re supposed to be a team!”
“Do you like her, sir?”
“Well, Hell no! But then, nobody does, so we’re even.”
“So do you think she’s plotting, in hopes of getting your term shortened by the 25th Amendment or something, sir?”
“Well, sure, I mean, well, you know, the thing… it’s just how people are in Washington. You’d expect it. Ambition and arrogance are our main attributes in Washington.”
“You’ve noticed that, sir?”
“Why do you think I’ve come so far?”
“I see sir. Could she be meeting with political advisors, planning a coup, sir?”
“What does she need a coop for? Is she using carrier pigeons, now?”
“No, sir, I didn’t say coop, I said coup, sir. Could she be plotting to displace you somehow, sir?”
“Oh, displace, dat place, it’s all the same for me… i never really leave my basement anyway. doesn’t matter where.”
“I see sir. I guess what everyone’s really wondering, sir, is…. could she be avoiding you because she thinks you’re toxic, sir?”
“Oh, no, that wouldn’t be a problem for her. She always wears a mask.”
“That’s not what I meant, sir, I meant…”
“Hell, she kisses her husband with a mask on. Did you see her in our debate last fall? She goes out on stage with her husband, both of them wearing masks, and they kissed each other with their masks on. To tell you the truth, I thought about dropping her from the ticket right then. Have you ever seen such a fool?”
“Coming from you, sir, that’s saying something.”
“You’re telling me!”
“So, do you think she might be avoiding you because of your recent policy errors, sir?”
“What? I haven’t had any policy errors. Everything’s going great!”
“How’s that, sir? Gasoline prices have doubled, over 200,000 illegals poured over the border into the USA last month, your Afghanistan fiasco is going to cost tens of thousands of lives within a month, not to mention billions of dollars worth of abandoned weaponry that the Taliban can now use against us!”
“Oh, well, if you put it that way…”
“So, I don’t know about you, sir, but I think we can all see why she’s avoiding you… I mean, if she really is avoiding you, you know.”
“She might not be avoiding me. She might just be busy.”
“For over a week, sir?”
“Well, sure! People can be busy. She might just be busy.”
“Doing what, sir?”
“Maybe she’s putting on her makeup.”
“How could that possibly take a whole week, sir?”
“Have you SEEN her face?”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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