Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We are sharing approximately every other story from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, and are now sampling Volume Three’s ninety chapters. In today’s episode from the late summer of his first year in office, President Buckstop’s soup aide, Russell Rhoades, tries to have a sensible discussion about American tourism with the old man.
Travel, Lockdowns, and Vacation Condo Soup
Dateline: September 5. Begin Transcript:
“Good evening, sir! How would you like some Vacation Condo Soup, sir?”
“I don’t have a condo. I live in a house. Mansion, actually. Couple of them.”
“I’ve been meaning to ask you, sir, how have you managed to afford all these mansions, sir? I mean, you know, with a lifetime as a public servant, only getting government salaries all that time, sir.”
“Buy low, sell high.”
“You talking about investments, houses, or your country, sir?”
“Huh? What’s that?”
“Oh, never mind, sir. Here, we have tonight’s soup. It’s called Vacation Condo Soup, sir.”
“What is it?”
“The cook said it’s basically a tomato vegetable soup, with sausage and chicken, sir. And here are your crackers, and a stack of napkins and your children’s soup spoons, sir.”
“Mmm… looks good!”
“The title reminds me, sir. my family’s been talking about a fall vacation. It’s a challenge, sir.”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“Well, sir, you’re always on vacation, right? I mean, the press is always reporting that you’re here in Delaware all the time; even when you go to Georgia or Louisiana or something, you’re always home by bedtime, sir.”
“If I’m not in my own bed at home, I can’t sleep well.”
“Did you ever consider the possibility, sir, that you can’t sleep well because of how you spend your time in your office, sir?”
“Oh, no, in my office I practice video games. My games tire me out. I sleep like a baby.”
“I see, sir. Odd thing is, sir, a lot of Americans can’t sleep at night because of how you spend your time in your office.”
“Well, they should get videogames too. Now let me eat my soup.”
“Certainly, sir. My folks and my brothers and sisters and me, well, we used to take summer vacations. Nothing big, nothing fancy, you know, but a week or so visiting a town with things worth doing, like towns with a state fair and a zoo and some museums, things like that, where we could get groupons or family discounts and stuff … all while we were growing up, you know?”
“Mmm.. Uh huh.”
“Well, sir, now that we’re all grown up, but none of us have kids yet, we’ve been looking forward to doing vacations like that in the spring or fall, since there’s no school in the way.”
“You want to get to the point, kid? This is good soup. I’d rather concentrate on the soup. The sausage is a nice touch.”
“I’ll tell the cook, sir.”
“You do that. What’s your name again?”
“Russell Rhoades, sir.”
“Uh huh. Good soup.”
“So anyway, it’s been so frustrating that a lot of the places we want to visit are closed to us now, sir. Closed to practically everybody.”
“Come on, man. Get to the point. I’m eating here.”
“Well, sir, both last year and now this year too, lots of governors have been issuing edicts banning tourism. Shutting down restaurants except for carry out, requiring that museums be online tours only, requiring mask-wearing for shopping in those little tourist-focused shopping districts that are the core of old town squares and little seaport communities…. It’s been just awful, sir.”
“Gotta protect folks.”
“But for a 99.9% survivable illness, sir, look at the human cost, sir! If you live close to a restaurant, sure, maybe you’ll order carryout. But you can’t do that on vacation, sir. You’re not going to travel somewhere and stay in a hotel for a week, if you can’t do anything but stay in your hotel room, sir!”
“Why not? I stay in my room every day. Happier that way. Safer. I know where everything is. I can pull the curtains and close the door if I don’t want to see anyone. It’s great.”
“Well, yes, sir, I see that you like it… but normal people want to get out and see the world, sir.”
“Look, here’s the deal: the world is overrated. There’s really nothing to see. You’re better off staying home.”
“You may think that, sir, but hundreds of millions of Americans don’t agree, sir. Look at states like Maine and New York and Michigan, sir, where their draconian mandates have basically robbed their states of two whole years of tourist seasons, sir. There are whole communities, whole counties, that depend completely on tourism to exist, sir. The jobs are all tourism related. Stores closed, restaurants closed, hotels closed, nightclubs closed. It’s been hell for them, sir. Countless businesses have been shut, countless more will continue to be shut, sir.”
“We gave ’em unemployment and welfare. We’ve taken care of ’em.”
“Sir, those things don’t make up for a real salary, nor should they. And we’re talking here about small businesses, families that have sunk their life savings into starting a travel agency or a lakeside business or a riverside restaurant, or antique shop or kitchy souvenir shop… These people are having their lives destroyed by this thing. Most of these small businesses couldn’t survive one closed season, virtually nobody can survive two in a row, sir!”
“Of all the things I have to worry about, you think I care about a few rich entrepreneurs losing their shirts?”
“Hardly any of the people I’m talking about are rich, sir… and even the few who might have been when all this started, sure aren’t anymore, sir! There are a lot of areas of the country where only 20% of businesses are expected to survive this thing, sir!”
“That’s okay. Don’t worry. Big investors will buy them out. They’ll still be open when you go visit next year.”
“How can you be so sure, sir?!”
“Because that’s what those investors do! I know a lot of ’em. Sat with them on the Amtrack for 30 years when I was in the senate. They look for empty husks to buy cheap, then they make money on them. Better for the employees anyway; working for a big company, they’ll get better benefits, union privileges, good stuff.”
“But sir, it’s destroying the small businesses themselves! You act like you don’t care about them at all! We count on that, sir. The small theatres, the little independent restaurants and shops. When you travel to these little places on small vacations, sir, you’re free of all the big national chains that you see around the local mall all year. A vacation has to be different, sir. If there’s no variety, why leave home?”
“So DON’T leave home. Come on, man!”
“But sir, I don’t think you get it… didn’t you ever take your family to little vacation spots, like the small towns around Portland, Maine and Newport, Rhode Island… or like Mackinac Island or South Haven, Michigan… or right near here, sir, like the Eastern Shore of Maryland… didn’t you ever take your kids to these kinds of places, sir?”
“I was busy in the Senate. Didn’t have time for that sort of thing.”
“Well, sir, the nation’s economy – and the nation’s culture too – are based on those places, sir. And these restrictions, these unconstitutional closures, and near-closures especially, are killing them!”
“No government has shut down any of those places. They just mandated that they operate safely, that’s all.”
“Safely, sir? Requiring a two week quarantine in your hotel before you visit anyplace, like Maine did, sir? Most people don’t even have a two week vacation! Who’s going to travel somewhere for a week just to sit in a hotel?”
“Shouldn’t be driving around like that anyway. Gonna have to give it up when you only have electric cars, anyway. It’s not like you’re going to be able to drive from Delaware to Michigan in a car that can only go 100 miles on a charge. May as well get used to it, kid.”
“Wait, but sir, I thought all your mandates of electric battery operated cars were based on battery technology getting better so that they could eventually have dependable ranges like normal cars, sir!”
“Heh heh. You keep thinking that, kid.”
“Sir, to hear you talk, one would think you’re okay with America’s small businesses all being engulfed by chains and multinational investors, and that you’re okay with people being locked into their own communities, with the travel that has been fundamental to the American experience becoming a thing of the past, sir! People are beginning to get that impression, sir! That’s how it sounds, sir!”
“And they call ME slow. Heh heh.”
“But this isn’t legal, sir! Government can’t force these kinds of changes, sir!”
“We can if there’s a pandemic, kid. This is good soup, though. Why don’t you get me some more? And don’t forget the crackers.”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. President of the Ethnic American Council in the 1980s and Chairman of the Milwaukee County Republican Party in the 1990s, his book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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