Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:
Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…
Note: We are sharing approximately every other story from Evening Soup with Basement Joe, and are now sampling Volume Three’s ninety chapters. In today’s episode from the first year of his regime, a young door to door salesman brings the old man his soup.
Spending Money, Naming Bills, and Bean Counter Chowder
Dateline: September 27. Begin Transcript:
“Good morning, sir… I mean, sorry, I mean, Good evening, sir!”
“Who are you?”
“I’m Grit Fuller, sir.”
“What are you doing down here in my basement?”
“Well, sir, I just knocked on your door, sir… you’re on my route, sir… and your cook said that nobody would be interested in what I was selling, but I could make five bucks if I brought some soup down to you, sir, so since it was almost 8 so I had to end for the night anyway, sir… I said sure!”
“What’s your name again?”
“Grit Fuller, sir.”
“I’ll never remember that.”
“Fine with me, sir. Here’s my business card.”
“How old are you?”
“Just turned 15, sir! This is my first job!”
“Serving me soup?”
“No, sir… selling encyclopedias and book clubs, sir, door to door!”
“I didn’t know people still did that. I thought everybody bought their books online now.”
“Oh no, sir. True, there aren’t a ton of us left, sir, but I sell sets of encyclopedias, sets of popular music collections, and other reference books, sir. We’re particularly proud of the Encyclopedia of Encyclopedias, which categories the history of the encyclopedia ever since the 17th and 18th century pioneers… it’s quite a book, sir!”
“You sell a lot of these, kid?”
“Well, sir, I don’t know what you’d call a lot, but I sold one set of general encyclopedias, one set of music encyclopedias, and a set of cookbooks tonight, sir. Three hours, three sales, not bad, sir.”
“You wouldn’t last a day in the stores I shop at. They see hundreds of customers every day, make dozens and dozens of sales.”
“Understood, sir, but we door to door salesmen have a different cost model, sir… no bricks and mortar… and give me a break, sir, in this neighborhood, the houses are incredibly far apart! One thing’s for sure, around here, I’m not going to believe it if anybody tells me they can’t afford it!”
“I’m hungry. Why am I hungry?”
“Oh, well, yes, I got distracted, sir. I was sent down with your tray of soup, sir, and I put it down. Here we go. Let’s see now… your cook said this is Bean Counter Soup, sir.”
“What’s in it?”
“Onions, beans, tomato, garlic, noodles…”
“What else?”
“Beats me, sir. I didn’t make it.”
“Oh, right, you’re the kid who was selling stuff door to door, and… hey… do you have a license to do that?”
“Was there anything else you needed besides the soup, sir?”
“Are there any crackers?”
“With a noodle soup that’s chock full of macaroni, sir?
“Come on, man! I asked you first!”
“Okay, well, let’s see… crackers… yup, here’s a bowl of crackers, sir… and here’s the stack of napkins and soup spoons… wait a minute… these are plastic children’s spoons, sir..”
“Yeah, well, I spill a little.”
“Oh. I see. Well then, that’s everything I was sent down with, sir. Soup, crackers, napkins and spoons, sir.”
“Mmm. Well, I’ll try it. What’s your name again?”
“Grit Fuller, sir. Interesting timing, all this, sir.”
“How’s that?”
“Well, sir, I was doing my rounds with my earbuds in, sir… Long, long walk between houses, and all, you know… and I was listening to the news. Don’t always know what they’re talking about; I think those news anchors assume everybody already knows the stories so they just need to read the headlines… but I usually don’t know what they’re referring to, sir…”
“What’s your point, kid? I’m trying to eat here.”
“Well, sir, they mentioned some crazy talk about the budget. They said the issue today is a $3.5 trillion dollar plan that will probably cost at least double or triple that… So I asked myself, if it’s really going to cost double or triple that, then why not include the real number in the name of the bill, right, sir?”
“Huh? Umm… I don’t know… I don’t name these bills…”
“And then – and this is the great part – they said that YOU said it would cost nothing, sir, nothing at all. That a bill that’s going to cost somewhere between $3.5 trillion and seven or fourteen trillion, is really going to cost zero. Absolute nothing to the American people, sir. So all I could think was, boy, would I like to get a chance to talk to that lunatic, sir.”
“Huh?”
“And what do you know, just an hour later, and here we are, sir, you and me. Face to face, sir. So I can actually ask you in person! Cool, huh?
“Wait a minute, let me check my notes.”
“What notes, sir? What for?”
“For your questions…. hmm… let’s see. What’s your name?”
“Grit Fuller, sir. For the third or fourth time now, sir.”
“Right…. let’s see… Nope, you’re not on my list of people whose questions I can answer.”
“Huh? I don’t understand, sir. You only answer questions of people who’ve been put on some list?”
“I just can’t change the rules completely, just for you!”
“Really? My dad says that you change the rules every day. Sometimes several times a day, sir.”
“Look, kid, here’s the deal. I’ll answer a bit. But not much. We can’t be crossing over a picket line or anything.”
“What picket line, sir?”
“Mmm… Well, okay. What are your questions again?”
“Well, sir, I wanted to start with the name of the bill, sir. $3.5 or $5.5 trillion or whatever. Why don’t they just say what they really think it will cost, sir?”
“Umm… you never really know, kid. It’s just a guess. These are all just guesses.”
“Oh. So then why not use the higher number so the government is prepared, rather than an artificially low estimate so that the government will have to scrounge around for money halfway through the cycle, sir?”
“Uhh… next question?”
“I beg your pardon? Oh. Umm… my other question, sir, was why you said it would cost zero dollars, sir.”
“I don’t have to tell you that, kid.”
“Well, yes, sir, I know you don’t, technically, but if you have an honest answer, sir, what harm can it do? And if you have a bad answer, then it could be pretty awful for the economy and for future generations, sir. Right, sir?”
“Where did you go to school, kid?”
“I was homeschooled, sir.”
“Oh, great. Well, uh, let’s see… uhh… it costs zero, because its benefits outweigh its costs, see?”
“But isn’t that statement dependent on guesses, sir? You’re assuming success at all levels, sir. And even if it is, even if the benefits do outweigh the costs, sir, those are still numbers, sir. We can’t just say zero and expect it to just be accepted, sir!”
“I don’t see why not. I won, so I define the numbers. Just use my numbers and leave me alone.”
“But you can’t say that a $3.5 trillion bill costs zero, sir. It’s just crazy, sir. It’s nonsense. Everybody knows that, sir.”
“Look, I don’t have to stand here and take this abuse from a kid!”
“Actually, you’re not standing, sir. You’re sitting, sir.”
“Huh? I am? Oh, well, so I am. Hey, are there any more crackers? This is good…”
Copyright 2021-2024 John F Di Leo
Excerpted from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume Three: How Is This Not Over Yet?”, available in paperback or eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. President of the Ethnic American Council in the 1980s and Chairman of the Milwaukee County Republican Party in the 1990s, his book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I, II, and III), are available in either eBook or paperback, only on Amazon.
His newest nonfiction book, “Current Events and the Issues of Our Age,” was just released on July 1, and is also available, in both paperback and Kindle eBook, exclusively on Amazon.
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