I receive a lot of emails, but I can’t answer them all. People have suggested I use auto-generated email responses designed to robotically thank people for messaging. But I don’t like this idea. Too impersonal.
When I was 7, I wrote the governor. Weeks later I received an impersonal form-letter with the governor’s signature, urging me to vote.
I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, I read every email, letter and message I receive. Many of these messages are questions. So I’ve compiled the most common questions in a letter:
Q: Dear Sean, I am 384 years old and I have just gone through a very hard period in my life. Sometimes I read your work and I wonder what kind of advice you would have for me, specifically, during this difficult time.
A: I am the last guy who should give advice. I am just some guy who learned how to type.
Q: So you don’t have ANY advice for me?
A: The best advice I ever received came from my mother. She told me the one proven way to achieve success in life: Be sweet.
Q: How do you find the stories you write about in your column?
A: Mostly, people send them to me. As I say, I receive emails from all over the world. Yesterday, I got an email from the prince of Nigeria. He was offering me a lucrative investment opportunity in exchange for my personal bank account information.
Q: What kind of stories do you receive most?
A: It varies. Usually, personal accounts from people. Also, I get a lot of angel stories.
Q: Angel stories? You don’t actually believe in that stuff, do you?
A: The question isn’t whether I believe, but whether you do.
Q: What’s that supposed to mean?
A: I heard David Carradine say that on an episode of “Kung Fu” once.
Q: Hi Sean, I’m a young writer, I’d really like to get my work published, but I keep getting rejected. What should I do?
A: I’m going to tell you like your mother told you after your girlfriend or boyfriend dumped you. Don’t stop putting yourself out there because of one heartbreak. Don’t quit having fun. Don’t quit going to dances. Don’t rebound too soon. Don’t bash your ex. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t revenge date. Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t be so quick to settle. Don’t eat your feelings.
Q: Are these metaphors?
A: Hyperboles.
Q: But what do I do after being rejected? It hurts so bad.
A: I suggest changing into cozy pajamas and watching your personal DVD copy of “Steel Magnolias.” If that doesn’t work, try “Terms of Endearment.”
Q: “Terms of Endearment?” With Debra Winger?
A: Yes. Debra Winger was told not to become an actress. She was rejected at auditions. She was told to give up. Then, one day she had a bad accident. She fell off the back of a truck and was blinded. She suffered a serious cerebral hemorrhage and was bedbound for a long time. Doctors said she would be blind and paralyzed for life. She resolved to pursue a career as an actress if she ever recovered, no matter what people said. She made a full recovery. The rest is history.
Q: Huh. I didn’t know that.
A: Debra Winger also did the voice of E.T.
Q: Hey, Sean, I saw you driving in traffic on Highway 280 in Birmingham. You were sitting in your truck, and it looked pretty crappy. How old is your truck?
A: My truck is 24 years old.
Q: Why don’t you buy a new one?
A: Get rid of my truck? Now that it’s finally old enough to drink?
Q: Dear Sean, I’m afraid to meet you in person because I’m afraid you won’t be like I imagine. I want you to be a real guy, but deep down I am afraid you’re a fake like everything else today.
A: I am too.
Q: Seriously, tell me. Are you for real? Are you the same guy you write about?
A: I am lazy. I procrastinate. I take everything for granted. I talk too much. I commonly discuss professional baseball players as though I am directly involved in their personal lives. So you will definitely find me underwhelming. Unless you play me in Scrabble.
Q: Why? Are you really good at Scrabble?
A: I’ve only been beaten twice.
Q: Who beat you?
A: Once, it was my wife. She won because she cheated. I allowed her to use the word MOIPE. Which, I believe we can all agree is not a proper noun. The second time was by a 9-year-old girl in Texarkana.
Q: Nine years old?
A: I’m still not over it.
Q: Why do you harp on the suicide issue so often? We all get it, we know what happened when you were a child. Your dad died that way. Why not move on?
A: You talk about it so you CAN move on.
Q: But surely it can’t be healthy to dredge up the past.
A: Says who? I talk about suicide because 800,000 people die each year by suicide. To give you an idea of how many that is, consider this: Each year, 602,000 die of cancer in the U.S. Should we stop talking about cancer?
Q: Wait. Really?
A: Yes, really. One person dies every 40 seconds from suicide. One teenager every day. By the time you finish reading this pitiful attempt at a column, around eight people will have died.
Q: I had no idea.
A: Most people don’t. Because—surprise—nobody talks about it.
Last month was suicide prevention month, but did you hear much about it? We wear ribbons for cancer. Where are the suicide ribbons?
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: Chicken and dumplings.
Q: How old are you?
A: Old enough to remember home ec teachers.
Q: Coffee or tea?
A: Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Q: Rock and roll or classical music?
A: Willie Hugh Nelson.
Q: Do you have any words of wisdom for me? I am going to graduate high school this year and I feel a little confused about what I want to do with my career. My parents are putting pressure on me to college, but I’m not sure I’m ready. Is it wrong for me not to be ready?
A: You are still a kid, you aren’t supposed to plan the rest of your life. In fact, adults aren’t either. Just plan today and see what happens. Enjoy the next 60 seconds at a time.
Take small bites. Don’t regret anything that makes you smile. Don’t be afraid to screw up. You are not required to have your next few steps figured out. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
But only if you remember to be sweet.
Questions: SeanDietrich@gmail.com
Visit the Sean of the South Website
Find out where you can see Sean live.
Originally published on Sean’s website. Republished here with permission.
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